Monday, March 13, 2017

DESIDERATA - You Are A Child Of The Universe - original version

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Mud is thicker than blood.

I had a very good thing going for two years I was with her, she was smart, calm and rational, she was never hysterical.
That was more important to me than her looks or appearance, this is a woman with 7 adult children and a crack smoking ex-husband.
I was living in a small town, I met Sue on the internet, she lived in another city about 150 miles from me with a much larger population than the town that I lived in.
We talked for 6 months on the phone, facebook and using texting and emails to each other.
She actually took the trouble to finally come meet me, she drove that 150 miles to me in her truck, I did not have, and still do not have a car, and never will.
I was sitting on the picnic table sitting next to my apartment building when she drove into the parking lot.
Within ten minutes of meeting her I felt that this was a person I can trust, someone who will not betray me, and that trust was important, I am a paranoid schizophrenic, I trust no one.
So we were together for two years, I would take a Greyhound bus to see her and other times she drove to see me.
After two years though things started turning surreal, abnormal in our relationship, she seemed to start asking me questions that sounded like she was suspicious of me, wary of me.
It was not a situation that she asked me these strange questions because she thought I was cheating on her, no it was actually nothing as banal as that.
She started to question me about exactly where I was both at the immediate moment and current day in terms of my location as well as asking where I was on some other exact day and time.
I did not catch it at first, I did not pickup about what was happening.
But, I learned quite a lot as my sister was planning a family reunion.
She chose a really fucking hot day in July for this shindig, it was almost 100 degrees outside in the shade.
I had been planning to go to this reunion for a very long time, I have ten brothers and sisters and their families I had not seen in years or in some cases I never met
It was hot, I was feeling horrible, I do not do heat well.
I did not go to the reunion.
I told Sue that I did go to the reunion, she and some of my friends believed it was an obligation to go on my part, I had chosen not to see my family or talk to them in over ten years.
My oldest sister committed suicide, I did not find out about it until six years later.
So Sue and my friends believed it would be grossly immoral not to go to the reunion, after all they are my "kin" as Sue put it.
But that is not how I viewed the situation, I was molested and tortured for years in the basement  of my fathers house duct taped to a drain pipe by the son of my fathers girlfriend who had moved in with my family.
My brother Larry was 6 or 7 years older than me, he not only knew about the abuse, but also watched, he did nothing.
My mother was a mentally ill woman in the severest sense and died from booze, I was eight when she died, I was mentally ill myself early on, my behavior grew more bizarre as I approached the teen years.
My family did nothing.
So, as far as I am concerned, my "kin" were completely evil to me, they still are, the word "family" or the word "kin" is meaningless, it said nothing, it conveyed nothing.
Anyways I found out why Sue was asking me questions about what I was doing and where I was doing it.
She had been talking behind my back with my brother Tom and his wife, my sister-in-law.
They told her I lied about the reunion, which is right, I did lie about going to the reunion.
They also said that she, Sue, should leave me, that I was violently mentally ill and dangerous.
I have no record of violence or arrests for violent crimes, or any kind of crime.
My brother betraying me like that, telling obvious lies about me to Sue.
Sue admitted talking to my brother and his wife for several months without my knowledge.
She did not actually believe these lies that I was violent, but she also betrayed me simply by listening to their lies for months.
My family of blood was slinging mud at me and at Sue about me.
Apparently my family sees nothing special in the words like "kin", or "family"
So why the fuck should I.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, You speak for me?

They are all over the internet, right wing, left wing, it does not matter which, these extremists claim to speak for others that did not ask to have anyone speak for them.
The fucking intersectional, feminist, Cultural Marxist, Black Lives Matter terrorists, social justice warriors left wing crowd claim to speak for others.
They claim they speak for the gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual population because they are too weak to speak for themselves, which of course is not true.
There is an awful arrogance there on the far left, speaking for people without their permission as if they were retarded children who need protection whether they like it or not.
The regressive left also claims to speak for people of color, again without actually consulting with people of color on what they actually want, if anything, from the far left.
The feminist third wave, intersectional, Antifa, black block, anarchist, left wing racists/fascists (irony) say they speak for the disabled.
I am disabled, Schizophrenia you know, I did not ask for these left wing fascists to speak for me.
I have someone speaking for me without my permission because I am "oppressed"  and helpless?
That is fucking news to me, I did not get that memo, the fucking arrogance.
But let us not blame the left alone, that would be unfair and a denial of the reality of the far right and their brand of arrogance.
I am white. Apparently I need white nationalists who do not know me to speak for me as a white person, again as if I was a fucking retard with the I.Q. of a gold fish.
Apparently these white nationalists want to set aside a whole separate country for white people, gee isn't that nice, I get to move to a white nationalist dictatorship, because that is what it would be, a dictatorship, nationalism when extreme leads to dictatorship.
So in order for these white nationalists to represent me and protect me in a new white country, I lose all personal freedoms, I have no more rights, again as if I am a retard.
Black nationalists would do the same fucking thing, speak for others without permission or consulting those they are supposedly trying to protect and speak for.
They want a new separate black nation to protect blacks from the evil whites that ends in dictatorship with the irony being in such a black nation the rights of blacks would be stripped away by blacks.
There are a lot of people from all points on the political, religious, racial, social map running in all directions with the hysteria that apparently is needed to speak for others whether they like it or not.
Fuck you, I would rather live in a bleak, confusing multicultural United States under the protection of an imperfect, not always just nation and The U.S. Constitution.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Threads.

You know how when you get on an online forum or chat room that is designed to speak about a topic that is general and non-specific, the topic is broken down to more specifics of the subject by different groups talking or debating those specifics, each specific topic of discussion is called a "thread"?
A "thread" is a train of thought, a path and direction for the discussion at hand, an organizing tool for the discussion.
I think my mind keeps losing its "threads", my mind is always racing from topic to topic, from concern to concern, from problem to problem.
I get stuck in an ever escalating speed of thought, I spend 60 seconds worrying about one thing, I lose my train of thought, my "thread", and forget what I was thinking about just 60 seconds ago and my brain jumps to something else to worry about.
I feel like my memory is weak and damaged, that there is something seriously wrong with my mind or brain.
It simply is not normal to be thinking about what at least feels like an important subject than have it vanish in 60 seconds.
Then I end up having my mind drift quickly to another problem meanwhile still trying to remember the one problem I was thinking about before that.
This causes me a great deal of anxiety, if I think I have lost my "thread", the subject I was thinking about, and then forget it, it bothers the shit out of me because it feels like I have lost my memory about an earth shattering subject, something crucial, something of life and death.
I have been losing a lot of "threads" lately, my mind recalls an idea to ponder that feels important but an idea that quickly evaporates in a few seconds, leaving me afraid.
The ideas, the "threads", everyone of them feels urgent and important but those "threads" soon go down the rabbit hole of amnesia.
This leaves me there very disconcerted and bothered, to have constant memory loss at the age of 51 brings to me the idea of Alzheimer's disease.
It would not be impossible, I am getting older, Alzheimer's can creep in , even early at the age of 51.
I do not want to deteriorate that way, losing my mind not to psychosis or insanity but to the loss of forgetting everyone I care about, every friend, every relative.
It would be like they never existed, or that I ever existed.
Memories of our lives and selves help define who we think we are as individuals, without those memories we no longer exist.