Tuesday, August 8, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Not Easy

It is not easy to be vomiting all the time, every single god damn day, especially when there is no physical cause.
Just fear and anxiety and paranoia and living in constant terror that there are people out there that want to kill me tearing up my gut.
I get up every morning with stomach acid turning in my gut so much it is actually audible, you can hear it, if I vomit, well, then you get to see and smell it.
Which only reinforces it, get sick, vomit, see, smell, get sick, vomit, see, smell, get sick,
My neighbors are assholes who are constantly slamming their doors, that really pisses me off, it only turns my stomach more, that acrid anger in my gut.
Those fucking assholes also leave the front door to the building unlocked so their fucking nurse can come in, or anyone, can come into the building any god damn time they want to.
This does not help my paranoia, fear, terror, and vomiting, always the vomiting.
I jump at load noises, that comes from the PTSD of me being tied up as a child with duct tape and being tortured, I jump at everything, every noise, every sound.
I just want to tell the world to fuck off but I can not do that without interrupting my own life, goals and freedom.
Always the vomiting.
I am drowning in debt barely able to pay my rent not to mention the electric bill and internet and paying back the bank.
It does not help my gut any or the constant nausea I feel that I smoke cigarettes and eat a shitty diet, pile on that anger and stress and the vicious circle.
My lower back hurts and my lack of exercise only makes the pain worse, I am in constant fear that I will be murdered.
I see enemies in every bush, shadow, corner, house and hallway, I am shaking in fear and I want to kill myself which would make many happy but I do not have the guts to do it.

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