Tuesday, May 2, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, I Am Trying

The fear and paranoia are back in full force, so is the nausea, abdominal pain, vomiting, lethargy, panic, shame guilt, physical pain, weakness, dizziness, headaches and chills and fever.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and I told her I was doing fine, that I have been doing fine for more than a month since I moved into my new apartment.
For more than a month I have not had vertigo, nausea, weakness, physical pain, paranoia but now its all back.
I am struggling to keep my work schedule everyday even though I feel miserable both physically and mentally.
I have run out of Seroquel and can not get the drug until tomorrow when I get paid.
I have to pay the rent tomorrow as well as the electric and cable Wi-Fi bills.  I am trying so hard, I feel horrible
Worst of all, I am afraid, terrified in fact, I think there are teenage hoodlums out there following me and watching me planning to kill me, I took out my cell phone and took pictures and video recording of these perps, I let them know that I took there pictures, not by talking to these thugs or confronting them, I just made it obvious I had them under watch.
I have many such photos on my phone of people following me and crowding me and hunting and stalking me to kill me.
I am keeping records, I may be wrong, it may be my paranoia, I do not know which anymore.
I am trying to keep my work schedules and meet my responsibilities in all of this physical pain, tiredness, fear, terror, worry and nausea and abdominal pain.
I hate this life.
I am trying.

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