Wednesday, March 1, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Threads.

You know how when you get on an online forum or chat room that is designed to speak about a topic that is general and non-specific, the topic is broken down to more specifics of the subject by different groups talking or debating those specifics, each specific topic of discussion is called a "thread"?
A "thread" is a train of thought, a path and direction for the discussion at hand, an organizing tool for the discussion.
I think my mind keeps losing its "threads", my mind is always racing from topic to topic, from concern to concern, from problem to problem.
I get stuck in an ever escalating speed of thought, I spend 60 seconds worrying about one thing, I lose my train of thought, my "thread", and forget what I was thinking about just 60 seconds ago and my brain jumps to something else to worry about.
I feel like my memory is weak and damaged, that there is something seriously wrong with my mind or brain.
It simply is not normal to be thinking about what at least feels like an important subject than have it vanish in 60 seconds.
Then I end up having my mind drift quickly to another problem meanwhile still trying to remember the one problem I was thinking about before that.
This causes me a great deal of anxiety, if I think I have lost my "thread", the subject I was thinking about, and then forget it, it bothers the shit out of me because it feels like I have lost my memory about an earth shattering subject, something crucial, something of life and death.
I have been losing a lot of "threads" lately, my mind recalls an idea to ponder that feels important but an idea that quickly evaporates in a few seconds, leaving me afraid.
The ideas, the "threads", everyone of them feels urgent and important but those "threads" soon go down the rabbit hole of amnesia.
This leaves me there very disconcerted and bothered, to have constant memory loss at the age of 51 brings to me the idea of Alzheimer's disease.
It would not be impossible, I am getting older, Alzheimer's can creep in , even early at the age of 51.
I do not want to deteriorate that way, losing my mind not to psychosis or insanity but to the loss of forgetting everyone I care about, every friend, every relative.
It would be like they never existed, or that I ever existed.
Memories of our lives and selves help define who we think we are as individuals, without those memories we no longer exist.

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