Monday, September 18, 2017

Evening Dhamma: Purification of View

Crashing Thoughts Imploding Together in My Head

My mind is fucking racing, my emotions switch at the pass of a second of time, one minute I am in XTC, then I am suicidal.
Then I am furious, such injustices surround me, life is not fair and then I slam into music fired mania.
My head is suddenly swinging into paranoia, I think people are passing m house trying to plan to kill me, and then, I am thinking about my dead girlfriend who died from AIDS 20 years ago,
In the mean time I have music blasting in my ears, Michael Jackson to drown out the voices no one else but me hears.
I am terrified, everyone is a suspect, an enemy, a gang stalker, a spy, a gang member trying to stalk me.
It is almost midnight and I am fired into confusion fear and mania, changing every 10 seconds
The Pointer Sisters are blasting into my head right now, upside down, turn me inside out, her song goes, that is me.
I feel totally unstable and I know my neighbors are spying on me and laughing at me, those mother fuckers.
The night comes earlier in September, the more darkness of the fall the more danger, the more the number of the dark places my enemies can hide waiting for me to walk down the street to pounce and stab me.
Fucking synthesizers, blasting in my ears, I hate fucking synthesizers, but I hate my voices more, it is going to be a long night of terror, fear and suicidal ideation.
It is fucking hot for fall, it is midnight and I still have to have the fucking air conditioner on, it is muggy, I am sweaty, smelly, a filthy , worthless person.
I walk down the street with my mobile smart phone at the ready, to video tape those who are stalking me, the only weapon I have, to document my enemies presence in real physical evidence.
Fucking disco music, Celebrate! Holiday! Holiday of death, fear, anxiety, self hatred, others despise me, I am worthless.
But I am 51, not dead, not dead like my sister patty, who blew her head off with a shotgun, I have not inflicted death on myself, I doubt I will tonight, or ever, I am a coward.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, If You Are there God, by any name, Fuck You

I do not believe there is a mean, magical old white man called God living in the sky constantly spying on me and who hates my fucking guts and wants to punish me in Hell for something I did not do.
This imaginary clown has been given many names like God, Jesus, Father, Lord, Allah, Jehovah, Zeus, Yawey, Krishna, Vishnu, Jupiter, Master, King of kings, The Prince of Peace, Christ, Eli, Elijah etc. etc ad nauseam.
None with a shred or crumb of physical evidence of their actual existence in any form, plural or singular.
One famous scientist, it may have been Dawkins, I am not sure, pointed out that in Africa, in the filthy drinking water lives a parasite, a worm.
A worm that enters into the body of a child through drinking contaminated water.
The worm then gestates in the child, reaches adult stage, the worm, not the child, and proceeds to work its way into the eyeballs of that child and literally eat there eyes out.
Nice, huh?
It seems odd The Great King in Heaven only appears to a small number of privileged people when they are alone and there are no witnesses and the people receiving revelations are usually ignorant, uneducated paupers and goat herders.
Jesus, a carpenter, poor, in an isolated desert area, Moses, alone on a mountain top and a talking bush or shrub with fire for special effects, like the movies.
Joan of Arc, no one heard the voices but her.  Mohammad, an uneducated, illiterate Arab alone in a cave talking to Gabriel for decades and no witnesses.
Bernadette, from Hollywood fame The Song of Bernadette, and of Roman Catholic lore, a star child, a poor, uneducated French girl, alone, not witnesses, sees the Virgin Mary and they discuss the upcoming World War before it started or actually happened.
Yes, that makes sense, God sent his mother to talk to a nobody prepubescent girl about world geopolitics and war.
An odd occurrence in India for hundreds of years is a child is born with literally several working, functioning arms and legs, a severe birth defect seen by the locals, the child, as a god.
Oddly enough many Hindu Gods Are multilegged or multiarmed.
A deformed child is God because the child is deformed.
Do you see where I am headed with this?
If this or that god or gods do exist and let worms eat out an infants eyes, fuck your god(s)

Thursday, September 7, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Paint, Primer, Pills and Poison To Cope

I was sixteen, alone, with no friends, I was vaguely aware that drugs were out there among my high school crowd, but I had no friends and I did  not even know what would be the first step in getting weed, acid or coke.
Oh there was booze, the same shit that my mother drowned herself to death in and my father maintained in the house near the dining hutch, it was easy enough to get booze and after it being my first drug, I found it bland and boring, although I would continue to use it through my stay at the state psychiatric hospitals, group homes and into college.
An accident happened in my bedroom, I was bored and I had gone to the basement to take a piss because my bitch sister was hogging the upstairs bathroom.
In the corner of the basement was a gallon size can of primer, the kind you would put on a car in body work before paint.
My brother was a mechanic and such chemicals laid around unused for years.
The primer had a smell to it not unlike glue, glue used to make model cars and airplanes.
I never thought about it before, the glue had fumes and I was not unaccustomed to accidentally getting dizzy from it.
So, for some odd reason, I read the label on the primer can.  The main ingredient in model glue was here in this primer, Toluene.
And so I put the very large opening to the can to cover my mouth and nose and thus I accidentally discovered how to get high without a dug dealer and without raiding my father's booze, which he ignored and knew about, but he did not know about Toluene.
After that I became very interested in the chemistry of household chemicals that could help me escape from reality as my mental health was already in trouble even before Toluene or booze.
For my mother, the combination of alcohol and schizophrenia would kill her when I was eight and in me by the age of fifteen I was sliding gradually into psychosis.
Schizophrenia. Delusions. Paranoia. Violence.
Then the Toluene huffing was only accelerating my mental breakdown, my father refused me a psychiatrist but the point became mute when I turned eighteen in 1984, it was no longer my father's decision if I would see a shrink and be put into the local Rochester mental asylum, both happened to my father's dismay, and I had a new list of chemicals to play with, Black Hash, and pot I used with the other asylum patients, booze, Thorazine, Valium, Stelazine, Mellarill.
Some how I manged to leave Rochester and actually got to college where the chemical play ground only expanded for me.
Tricyclic anti-depressants, Lithium, and I was by the age of 21 a heavy, one pack a day, paranoid cigarette smoker, and nicotine to the chemical play ground.
They actually gave away free tobacco to state mental patients until the antismoking movement kicked in, it was to late, I was already hooked.
In Johnstown, NY I was accidentally or purposely introduced to PCP without knowing what I was using, I thought it was just pot, My college room mate, I suspect even today, gave me that shit without telling me what it was.
I became almost violent and tried to jump out the second story dorm window but was stopped by my other room mate, a Japanese student who stayed with me until the Dust wore off.
And cocaine, that was deliberate on my part.
I had several more breakdowns and still managed to graduate high school and Community College.
Years later, around 2000, the internet was picking up speed and I wanted to escape, the death of my girlfriend of ten years was imminent from AIDS.
On a computer you can get anything with a credit card, which were also easy for me to get, I had no real good or bad credit score.
The shit I bought online, diet pills, amphetamine, Klonopin, Valium, Phentermine, Ambien.
All illegal, delivered nice and promptly by Fed-Ex, who the government would go after later charging Fed ex with knowingly trafficking illegal prescription drugs from China, Pakistan, India among other countries.
I had grown up in the late 20th Century taught that taking pills was equal to being healthy, so I popped aspirin, Tylenol, Caffeine tablets, Benadryl.
I drank cold syrup that was 20 % alcohol and filled with dextromathorthan.
One day, from the aspirin abuse I started suddenly bleeding internally and almost bled to death vomiting pure blood in an ambulance on the way to the hospital and I risked liver failure from the Tylenol abuse.
I figured if this shit was over the counter it must be safe, in any dosage.
They are not, and there is my chemical soup that still washes in my brain in the form of legally prescribed Seroquel, Klonopin, Hydroxazine, gabapentin, Protonix.
I have never been able to function without chemicals, never got caught, never went to jail nor forced into drug rehab and the chemicals of coping I use today are legal, properly prescribed for my Schizophrenia, which as as an aside, my older sister had Schizophrenia and blew her head of with a shot gun.

Monday, August 21, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow , Twitter and Marxism

Twitter is a company that hides things, they keep secrets, they have dirty laundry and the emperor has no clothes.
Twitter is under total control of America's enemies, Marxists, collectivists, communists, third wave feminists, social justice warriors.
What filthy little secrets are Twitter trying to hide behind fake accusations of Islamaphoia and racism?
Well there are the secret doings of fascists that for some reason Twitter supports.
This fascism, this ideology, this fascist political party pretending to be a religion is Islam, The Islamist countries.
I was on Twitter earlier, I posted truth to power, the evil corrupt power of leftist, Marxist, feminist, collectivists.
I dared point out the crimes of Islamist fascism, acid attacks disfiguring women, young girls.
The sexual mutilation of Muslim 9 year old girls getting their clitoris cut off by their own mothers with a rusty razor blade.
The public murder, execution of gays by throwing them off roof tops, stoning any survivors of the fall.
The public hanging of teen age gays and lesbians in Iran young as 13, they are hung on construction cranes.
Islamist, Taliban warlords in Afghanistan dress young boys in girly makeup and female clothes then makes them dance, then rape them anally.
If you leave the fascist political party known as Islam, you will be killed in these fascist countries of Islam.
Twitter does not want you to talk about these things, but I do, and I will, on and on and on.
Twitter has been hijacked by third wave feminists, ANTIFA, Marxists, anarchists, communists, Black Lives Matter, leftist racists of identity politics.
They want to complain about non-existent western patriarchy, non-existent rape culture, non existent systemic racism and hatred of women.
But Twitter and its leftist overlords hide secrets and crimes they support by their silence.
Crimes of homophobia in the form of murder by Muslims.
The mutilation and rape of children.
The murder of apostates, antisemitism, and the murder of atheists and Christians.
Twitter and youtube and facebook and google are hiding these murderous secrets as well, but I will keep writing.  

Sunday, August 13, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow The Road to Stupidity is Paved with Racists, Fascists, ANTIFA and Marxists

The United States is heading into pure stupidity.
Or at least some of its extremist citizens of both the far left and far right in politics are headed that way.
There was violence over the past couple of days, riots in Charlottesville, Virginia.
And the usual violent suspects were there, white nationalist jackasses who do not speak for me as a white person and the far left Marxist, Anarchist,  Antifascist extremists wearing masks because of being the cowards they are.
Is this how things will be done now in our country? Is this how we will make decisions? Violence in the streets by left/right lunatics and the political centrists saying and doing virtually nothing to oppose these extreme racists and communists.
Part of the rioting had something to do with a statue of The American Civil War confederate General Robert E. Lee.
The leftists wanted to have the statue removed, after all it is racist, the leftist violence got what they wanted, out of fear the Mayor of Charlottesville decided to remove the statue.
I personally do not give a fuck about the statue itself or whether or not it represents racism.
My beef is with how decisions are being made, by riots and threats of violence that cowardly mayors like the one in Charlottesville give into and make decisions based on who is most violent.
If you want the fucking statue removed, then call for the State of Virginia to have a voting referendum
with local voters deciding whether or not to remove the statue
That is how a fucking rational, classic liberal Constitutional Republic with democratic features governed by the Bill of Rights are suppose to make decisions.
By voting, it is not that fucking complicated.
I lived in Brockport NY where we had a local referendum vote on whether or not to disband the Brockport police department, the police force won the day in that election, they still exist.
The point though was there were passionate feelings on both sides but no one in Brockport rioted and tried to burn shit down because they are sore losers, they called for a vote, it was held, the decision was made, then everyone went home and went on with their lives, jobs, friends and families.
Left/right extremists do not seem to understand that most Americans are in the political center and we in the center oppose you white fascists but we also despise far left feminist, Marxist, left wing identity politics leftist racists.
The ironic thing is I am a confirmed, diagnosed officially, paranoid schizophrenic who's thoughts and feelings are suppose to be confused, making the schizophrenic act in bizarre ways.
But yet as the crazy person, I am not the one  in the streets acting irrationally with violence.
You fucking fascists and leftists need to be stopped, not from holding rallies or protests, you must be stopped  from making the government making decisions based on violence and threats of violence, you are all traitors against The United States Constitution and The Bill of Rights.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

"We Have Monthly Ắbortion Quotas" Plánned Párenthood Exec TELLS ALL

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Not Easy

It is not easy to be vomiting all the time, every single god damn day, especially when there is no physical cause.
Just fear and anxiety and paranoia and living in constant terror that there are people out there that want to kill me tearing up my gut.
I get up every morning with stomach acid turning in my gut so much it is actually audible, you can hear it, if I vomit, well, then you get to see and smell it.
Which only reinforces it, get sick, vomit, see, smell, get sick, vomit, see, smell, get sick,
My neighbors are assholes who are constantly slamming their doors, that really pisses me off, it only turns my stomach more, that acrid anger in my gut.
Those fucking assholes also leave the front door to the building unlocked so their fucking nurse can come in, or anyone, can come into the building any god damn time they want to.
This does not help my paranoia, fear, terror, and vomiting, always the vomiting.
I jump at load noises, that comes from the PTSD of me being tied up as a child with duct tape and being tortured, I jump at everything, every noise, every sound.
I just want to tell the world to fuck off but I can not do that without interrupting my own life, goals and freedom.
Always the vomiting.
I am drowning in debt barely able to pay my rent not to mention the electric bill and internet and paying back the bank.
It does not help my gut any or the constant nausea I feel that I smoke cigarettes and eat a shitty diet, pile on that anger and stress and the vicious circle.
My lower back hurts and my lack of exercise only makes the pain worse, I am in constant fear that I will be murdered.
I see enemies in every bush, shadow, corner, house and hallway, I am shaking in fear and I want to kill myself which would make many happy but I do not have the guts to do it.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, BAMN! From Mr. X

"By any means necessary" is the quote of Malcom X.  What did Mr. X mean by that quote?
What was the context of him saying this?   What was the speech he gave that included this quote?
What was its context and purpose intended by Mr. X in giving that speech?
Well below you will find a partial video of that speech given by Mr. X, he gave the speech to form what he called the "Association of Afro-American Unity".  Formed to both strengthen the rights of the black community in the United States as defined by The United Nations Universal Declaration Of Human Rights and The United States Constitution and The Bill of Rights contained there in.
The two main rights spoken by Mr. X in that speech was the "right to self defense" and "the right to bear arms" that black Americans had a right to, because all Americans were SUPPOSE to have these rights.
Now let me turn a hard left to a different subject and come back to Mr. X later.
BAMN!  What is BAMN!?  Well it is an organization intended to support the continued existence of Affirmative Action Laws in The United States and to fight "white supremacy", "fascism", "racism", "homophobia", Islamaphobia" the only word in this list that has no real meaning or purpose but to hide the violence and fascism of The Islamist World by calling anyone who brings attention to Islamist fascism and violence an "Islamaphobe" or a "racist", Islam is not a race.  Mr. X pointed that out after returning from Mecca.
The letters in the title of this organization are the abbreviation letters from the quote from Mr. X "BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY". BAMN!.
By any means necessary. Including self defense for blacks in America, in The USA, as well as their right to bear arms.
What does BAMN! want? Do they want to uphold the Rights of Blacks in America to self defense and the right to bear arms, which I agree they have, should always have had, or do they seek something else altogether?
BAMN! says they are defending the rights of gays, blacks, women, the disabled, people of color, immigrants who are not white, transgender people, bisexuals, and anyone who is marginalized in The United States.
If that were true of them, BAMN!, then I would have no problem with them or their tactics or goals.
There would be no reason or point to writing this if these were BAMN'S! goals.
Their actual goal, singular not plural, is to create violent random violence and riots in the name of human rights, by committing arson, assault, murder, theft, identity politics of racism, clubbing people with baseball bats, burning and attacking random people with fire works or throwing gasoline on them and setting them on fire, randomly, no one in particular.
And stabbing people and violently attacking political and social opponents not breaking the law who are peaceably assembled for redress of grievances.
This is first attack instigation of violence, not self defense.
It is just crimes, not protests, not political or social free speech or protest, just crime.
Mr. X was a Muslim, a Muslim who wanted to unite black people in America under the banner of self defense, not violent criminal activity. Not riots. Not assault. Not murder, shootings, beatings, stabbings, theft, and arson.
BAMN! is nothing remotely similar to the "ASSOCIATION OF AFRO AMEMERICAN UNITY" established by MR. X nor are the ideals and tactics and ethics or morals of BAMN! similar to "THE AOAAU" of Mr. X.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Withdrawing from poisoning.

It begins with some mild nervousness, then moves it agitation then fear, then craving as the poison is no longer there in me.
I begin to pace, I am agitated, fearful, craving, craving, craving the poison, it is not there anymore, but the craving.
I am  racked with insomnia, fear and terror as my brain breaks down into chemical confusion, the brain is use to the poison, it can not function normally without it.
I begin to breathe rapidly, I feel sick to my stomach, my abdomen is distended, bloated and filled with pain, my heart is racing.
Actually my heart is pounding in my chest, the poison is not there, the body and brain are confused, where is that poison? I NEED THAT POISON.
My endorphins are not released to control the pain, my transmitter chemicals are falling and rising in confusion, I begin to vomit, to wretch without control, the stomach expels its contents until it is exhausted, there is nothing left but severe dry heaving.
But there are other things happening without the poison, my blood is more enriched with oxygen, it is
becoming less thick with cluttered platelets that no longer clog, leading to brain or heart attacks.
The Monoxide poisons that cuts air and oxygen from the brain is dropping to zero, more oxygen is reaching my brain, it is no longer being choked off.
The blood is increasing in its efficiency in all the work it has to do without the poison, my heart beats with less strain, my lungs begin to clear of black soot without the poison, without the Nicotine

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, A Life Of Its Own

Psychosis and anxiety are intertwined in me, they are inseparable traits in me, for some anxiety by itself is terrifying, i.e. panic attacks that spin out of control and loom larger and larger to the point of being a mental cripple.
Their pain and suffering are real, anxiety can balloon into a huge mess with a life of its own.
Sow into that fabric of uncontrolled anxiety psychosis.
Psychosis, when you hear and see things that are not real, and all the more terrifying because they are not real for no one but the psychotic sees and hears these hallucinations and demons.
Then there are the delusions that mark the psychotic, false, persistent beliefs held to be real with absolutely no evidence to support them and even have mountains of evidence of their falsehood.
These are terrifying things that also have a life of their own, and bring anxiety in spades, in uncontrolled panic attacks and terror.
I walk down the street drowning in delusions, I keep my composure well, I am not going to commit suicide, become violent or break the law because of psychosis, anxiety and internal terror.
I do not run around in public or private yelling and screaming at people with nonsensical world salad nor do I talk to myself, at least not in public.
I keep my appearance presentable, I shave, shower daily, brush my teeth, do my laundry, floss, use antiperspirant and deodorant.
I refrain from saying fuck you to my neighbors downstairs that I do not like, yet they are obnoxious, but I keep my composure, I will not surrender to my internal fear and terror by lashing out at others who have not caused it nor even know that it is there in me.
I often walk down the street and people do or say strange things that are real, because my friends see them too.
But that is where IDEAS OF REFERENCE SURFACE, delusions that random events around me are somehow related to me or even targeted at me on purpose by individuals and large groups called perps who are gang stalking me, the targeted individual, to push me to isolation and suicide.
You can google the terms Gang Stalking, Perps and Targeted Individuals yourselves.
I am not convinced gang stalking is never real in my life, actually I have taken videos and pictures of my stalkers and put them online, letting the stalkers know I just recorded and documented their stalking and they will be famous in social media across the world wide web and internet.
Some of the things these gang stalkers do is weird, out of the ordinary but not illegal things to try to terrify me into suicide , like running backwards passed me in groups, that happened today, it happened to fast to record with my smart phone so I just threw them the finger and said fuck you.
My friend Ron was there he saw it, it was real, it happened, but was it really aimed at ME?
I do not know this shit is taking on a life of its own.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Theft

People steal all of the time, I have been robbed 7 times in the past three years, people have been taking things from me they did not earn or work for by I did.
4 days ago someone stole my bike right off my porch in broad daylight, it was 3:00 PM in the after noon.
The bike was double locked with two separate 2 in thick steel cables with 2 heavy duty Kryptonite Pad locks, very heavy and thick
The cables were wrapped around the frame, made of wood, of the front porch.
I always thought that no one would take the time to try to cut through either the thick steal cables
or the thick, heavy metal locks, especially on my front porch where there was a high probability of attracting the attention of the of the tenants that live in my house.
And if they did steal my bike, I thought they would find it easier to break the wooden frame of the front porch, take the bike, and cut the locks later.
But nope, I had gone down to the front porch to have a cigarette around 2 and the bike was still there.
I went back upstairs to my apartment to argue with my bank and Medicaid over some financial issues for about a half an hour.
I went back downstairs for another cigarette and when I opened the front door to go out, the first thing I saw was the two heavy locks laying on the front porch, cut open, into several pieces of metal.
The bike and cables were gone, they did not need to break the wooden frame of the front porch.
They came prepared, whatever they used to cut the locks had to be some heavy duty bolt cutters, a very large set of bolt cutters, to cut through those locks quickly, in less than thirty minutes without anyone noticing.
Or maybe they did notice, my neighbors in my building, they just did not do anything about it and they just told me when I asked they knew nothing of the theft when they did.  No one likes to be a snitch, even at the expense of honesty, ethics and the law.
This was the third bike stolen from me in three years time, each bike costing more than 130 dollars a piece.
I lost well over 350 dollars in property.
Oddly enough, about three weeks ago someone stole money, electronically, from my bank account, my checking.
It was about seventy dollars and it took my bank three weeks to recover my money, forcing me to overdraft my account for food, which means ultimately I never actually recovered the stolen money, because I had to borrow from my bank and pay them back in 60 extra dollars in overdraft charges, I got nothing back in the end from that bank theft, I just lost more when my bank legally robbed me.
People and banks can be such assholes. They steal from you, or they see someone else steal from you and say and do nothing.
I have had other packages of things that I had ordered online when the United States Postal Service or those fucking assholes at UPS and Fedex just dumped the packages on the front porch for anyone to steal without getting a signature.
And steal they did.
About 180 dollars worth of stealing in one shot, with one package, and of course the USPS, UPS, Fedex all said it was not their problem, they just deliver packages, whatever happens after that is my problems.
I was renting a room about 4 years ago from a young couple and the bedroom I was renting had no lock and since they were the only other people living in that house, all of us sharing the entire house, they stole from me, 100 dollars.
Liars, thieves, crooks, nonwitnesses who know but say nothing.
I hate people.


Tuesday, July 18, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow Gang Stalking Part 2

It is happening again, my paranoia, depression, suicidal feelings, I am thinking people are after me
to spy on me, to kill, me, to harass me, to destroy and vandalize my house where my apartment is.
I had a brand new bike, it was locked outside on my porch with two, 2 inch thick cables and padlocks to the wood frame of the open porch.
They cut the padlocks, dropped and left the cut locks on the porch and took the bike and cables.
Over the weekend, someone went into the back of my apartment building and threw the garbage from 7 different apartments all over the yard, sidewalks, and street.
People are leaving trash and litter all over the front yard as they walk by.
This all seems to coincidental, to convenient .  This does not seem random.
I am afraid, afraid for my life, my physical safety and existence.
Last week someone stole 70 dollars out of my bank account electronically.
That to has fueled my paranoia and suspicion, if that is what it is and not real gang stalking and community based harassment.
I feel like there is a very large group of diverse people working in tandem to stalk me, they are the perps.
Their goal is to isolate me, ruin my reputation, destroy me financially, to get me fired or evicted.
They want to let me know they are there unseen, always watching trying to make me so afraid has to isolate myself and commit suicide.
Thing is, I do not have the courage to commit suicide and never will.
But now I am always looking over my shoulder, using my smart phone to video record and photograph suspicious people and posting their faces and images all over the internet.
 I jump at every sound, every bump, every slamming door, I am depressed, I want to commit suicide but can not, will not.
The best I can do is stick to my daily schedule, act normally.
I am awaiting a call from my psychiatrist.
This is either real gang stalking or psychotic fantasy or both in part.

Friday, July 14, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow Fugue

I was riding my mountain bike in the city today, I was on my way to Price Right supermarket on university Avenue.
I was riding along toward my destination on my regular, quickest most logical route to the market.
Then I started drifting away mentally as I was riding my bike, I guess you could call it daydreaming.
I was not present in the moment, I was riding my bike exactly as I was suppose to, as any person would.
But it was all out of automatic learned habits that made me ride my bike normally and safely, but I was not actually there mentally while riding.
I was in a trance, my mind did not guide me on my normal route to the market.
I turned automatically down the wrong street in the opposite direction away from the market, not toward it.
I suddenly became aware, I was once again able to know what had happened, which was I was on the wrong street not remembering going there, it was just a sudden awareness that I was not where I was suppose to be.
I knew the street that I found myself on after amnesia, I knew the street in relation to my neighborhood, BUT I WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THERE AND I DO NOT REMEMBER GOING THERE.
Yet, there I was, on my bike, riding, automatically then waking up to my location.
This has happened before to me.
Under stress, fatigue and the tranquilizer Klonopin I often have in the past disconnected from the world around me into my own brain and doing things automatically and waking up, so to speak, that I was in a strange place or the wrong place, not knowing how I got there.
I blame stress, lethargy, tiredness, but I mostly blame the Klonopin.
This drug is known to cause memory loss while continuing to do things automatically they way you are suppose to do legally and safely, like walking, riding a bike, or even more complicated tasks like driving a car and then suddenly become aware that you are somewhere not remembering how you got there.
Klonopin is often used deliberately to cause you to forget, to forget surgery, invasive medical procedures like colonoscopy while you are technically still awake but drugged with Klonopin, to reduce the stress of any memories of such uncomfortable procedures, this is also used for electroshock therapy sessions in psychiatry, a deliberate inducement by drugs to cause memory loss of having electricity shot into your head causing a brain seizure.
But no one got hurt, in the end in this fugue, you often do everything you normally would, safely, and it is confusing but no one is actually harmed.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Why Atheism

Why Atheism?
Why did I go down this road, reach this destination and to stubbornly decide to stay here?
Well, look around you, I will state and show you the obvious reasons you already know and want to ignore.
I was told by the Pope and his local cohorts here in Rochester NY that Jesus walked on water, at first it never occurred to me that I NEVER saw ANYONE walk on water, I was told that in a 2000 year old story that I just believed with no evidence.
Hell, I could have reached the conclusion, eventually I did, that no one ever walked on water unless it was ice but God in some form might still exist, I saw these as two different points.
I remember listening to the rock groups AC/DC and Motley Crue with secret guilt that I was going to hell for it at the age of sixteen.
I also remember finding out around the age of thirteen it was possible to be Christian and not be a Roman Catholic, those Sunday morning T.V. preachers were definitely not Catholic.
I even remember as young as 8 years old praying to God to forgive the people in Hell, I mean an eternity of fire for stupid shit did not seem fair and yet I still clung to the Roman Church.
Entering the world of Islam or Judaism never came up, not because they are anymore or less rational than being Catholic, but just because I was never really exposed to them.
I suffered from severe mental illness all my life, I have no doubt this was beginning in my early childhood and went unrecognized by family who did not want to see it because my mother died from drinking booze to cover up her own mental problems after having 11 children after WW War 2 up until my younger brother was born last in 1967 and my mother lost one child, my sister, Beverly in infancy.
I even believed in Purgatory, which other denominations would later point out to me is no where in the Bible.
So my journey began by simply walking away from the Roman Christianity because it was not consistent with the Bible.
Baptizing babies, veneration of the Saints And Mary, Purgatory, Praying to the Virgin even though she was not God, none of these things were Biblical.
But, I did not know that because the Catholic Church did not make a habit of handing out Bibles in any form, they wanted to tell you what it said and meant for you.
So, I ran around for years looking for the form of Christianity that was both correct and Biblical.
But as I searched, every denomination, usually very conservative, that I came across said only a few people out of 6 billion would be saved and go to heaven.
So billions of Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Mormons, JW's, Jews, Catholics, among others were all going to hell.
Atheists and agnostics as well.
Again, that did not seem rational or fair.
God really started to look like an asshole no matter which one I tried to believe in.
I actually started praying to Satan out of frustration, my way of saying fuck you to the God or Gods of eternity.
I had heard of Atheism before of course, but it had been soon fed to me all my life that Atheism meant communism, and in the 1980's the Soviet Union still existed and they were the evil Empire according to Ronald Reagan.
But then a funny thing happened on the way to the true God or Gods I had not yet found but believed were still out there somewhere, someone had the truth.
The internet happened.
Slowly and cumbersomely at first, with slow dial up connections and having no technical expertise needed to get on the internet and find a limited number of websites that existed in the 1990's.
Then, around the year 2000 things started rocking, fiber cables, more servers, point and click navigation started rolling.
I got my first desktop computer around 2006 and it was connected to a slow dial up connection over copper telephone wires and then I switched to broadband.
Wikipedia blew up in my face, history, religion, science, prehistory, evolution, biology, physics, philosophy, art, literature, it was all there.
Nothing disproved the existence of God, gods or the Supernatural, but nothing proved them either that they existed.
It dawned on me that whether God existed or not was not knowable in this lifetime and had no evidence anyway, and surely any rational god that might exist was not represented by any known religion or cult, past or present.
No evidence, no proof meant that I would live my life as if there were no God, gods or the supernatural, the movie The Exorcist was no longer frightening.
If someone could give me evidence, I would believe, no one has.
Why not believe just in case?
After all no one WANTS to go to Hell by mistake.
It is obvious if any god is real, he is not the monster of The Bible, Koran, Torah, Talmud or any such barbaric psychopathic god.
IF He is there, he has not revealed himself, so our knowledge of his existence is not important to him and can be assumed to be not real.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Ask an Atheist: Why doesn't FFRF go after Islam?

A poem by Gary G Pelow, ANTIFA

Black masks, black clothes, hidden like ISIS, spoiled young white teenagers thinking they are special, that they stand against fascism, antisemitism, for freedom.
But why the masks? Why the black clothes? Why hide behind these things like cowardly ISIS?
Who are you really fighting? What are you really fighting for? What is your cause you use violence of the black block technique to support? Do you even know? Or are you deluded?
The Brown Shirts, The S.A., they would gather in crowds in the early days of German fascism.
They would punch, kick, club, stab, murder,  their enemies, be they communists or social democrats of the 1920's.
Yet, oddly, and this is not praise for the Brown Shirts, but a critique of ANTIFA, The Brown Shirts did not hide behind masks, oh no, they were quite content to let everyone know who they were publicly as the engaged in street violence, arson and assault for Hitler in the early days of real fascism.
And they crushed dissent and free speech over a decade before Hitler even came to power.
This is what ANTIFA does, spoiled, cowardly, pampered, rich, white teenagers with nothing better to do but be fascists themselves as they attack free speech in Western, Civilized Countries and ignore the Fascism of Islam, Iran, ISIS, Afghanistan, and Arabia.
And the pedophilia and forced child marriages and genital mutilation of nine year old girls.
And the videos of beheadings, ironically, mostly against other Muslims.
So, I ask again what is ANTIFA fighting for or against?
Well, they may or may not know it, but they are fighting FOR FASCISM, ANTISEMITISM, MURDER, SEXUAL SLAVERY OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN, MURDER OF GAYS, WOMEN, HOMOPHOBIA, RAPE CULTURE, PATRIARCHY, where these things actually exist, in the world anywhere that Islam IS THE GOVERNMENT OR STRIVES TO BE THE GOVERNMENT.
Islam as a theology may not even be the real issue, nor people who are Muslims, BUT THE PLACES ISLAM RULES, WHERE THE KORAN IS THE CONSTITUTION OF THEOCRACY.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, I do not know.

I do not know what is going on here on Monroe Avenue, The affluent, the poor, the crazy are all here,
in a weird dance that somehow actually works for all involved.
Except for me, this atmosphere of rich, homeless, grunge, emo, crazy, drugged, tattooed, body piercings crowd frightens me, it is not easy here on Monroe ave.
I am psychotic, I am paranoid and have been for a very long time. I have Schizophrenia, NOT multiple personalities, I hear voices no one else can, I feel like I am being watched, followed, spied up, harassed, stalked, even hunted to be injured or killed like a wild boar in the bush.
You see, Monroe ave is a place of diversity, not a bad thing, but not easy for me, when I walk down the Monroe strip, past the bong shops, tattoo parlors, bars, cafes, comic book stores, art and dance class centers, past The Bug Jar, people come up and bother or harass me.
Now, logically I know most of the people who approach me to harass me are usually just random, homeless or poor mentally ill people, but I am not always convinced of that.
Just today some black guy rode up to me on his bike and got very close to me asking me, "How are you doing young man?" and then started making grunting sounds as he got his bicycle very close to me invading my space, like he somehow knew when I was going to leave my apartment to go to dinner and was waiting there at that traffic light with no other purpose, premeditated ahead of time by some gang, in a very sophisticated and organized way, other than to just bother me, crowd me, gang stalk me, mob me, to push me to act angry in public, force me to insanity and criminal violence by following and harassing me on a daily basis or to push me to commit suicide or look foolish or crazy or violent in public, and they are left unscathed.
I keep my composure though, stalked or not, I do not need to go to jail nor get evicted for bizarre behavior, public or private.
I sometimes think my neighbors down stairs are plotting against me to spy on me, complain to the landlord with lies about me and things I have not done wrong but they say I do.
It is very exhausting, frightening to think there is a very real, organized attempt by a very large group of people who's sole purpose is to ruin my life by getting me evicted, fired, homeless, isolated alone or even to kill me.
The harassment on The Monroe strip is real enough, as are the mentally ill who are doing it to me, I just do not know if it is planned and organized by someone ahead of time by some group of people I do not even know, every single day before I even leave home everyday.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

#FinsburyPark: A Look @ London's Centre of Vibrant Enrichment Radical what, Buddhism? no.

A poem by Author Gary G Pelow, Reality From The Brain

Do you remember the movie "The Song of Bernadette"?
If you are not or were never raised as a Roman Catholic you may not know what I am speaking of.
This is a movie based on the supposed evidence that a young girl, very young, saw The Virgin Mary in a form that just happens to align with traditional Roman Catholic portrayal of The Virgin Mary.
There were of course no other witnesses to the appearance of "The Lady in White", very convenient.
Now this does not mean that The Church or other people believed Bernadette immediately that she had a vision of someone, who looked like The Virgin Mary, the Mother Of Jesus.
There were actually decades of investigation into the visions, plural, that Bernadette said she saw 17 times.
Eventually The Church said they believed Bernadette was not lying nor was she insane, they believed her in the end, she became a nun and Saint after death.
ALL of this with zero number of other witnesses and zero evidence of any kind to verify these visions.
Bernadette was NOT a liar or insane, but she was fervently Catholic before her visions, hallucinations have been known to take place in the fervent believer of any stripe, they WANT TO SEE SOMETHING AND BELIEVE, so the brain accommodates that wish and creates hallucinations, under the stress of strong emotion the brain gives what the person wants to see, without drugs, an apparition, an angel, Jesus, God, The Angel Gabriel of Mohammad, The Virgin, even demons or Satan, none of which are real.
These experiences are NOT mental illness, mental illness is usually defined as that which happens  over many months, years or decades with very specific diagnostic criteria.
Bernadette was not lying, she believed everything she recounted, and she was not mentally ill.
She very much wanted to please God, The Church (consciously or subconsciously) and to believe she was connected to God.
But in a similar  way so did Mohammad in Islam when he was ALONE experiencing visions of Gabriel, an Arch Angel of God, A general in God's Army.
The example of Mohammad obviously goes back many centuries before the birth of Bernadette.
Whether mentally ill or not, I do not believe Mohammad was deliberately lying to form some sort of attention or power base.
He believed what he recounted in his visions.
These people may not, and probably almost certainly were not mentally ill, but they saw what they wanted or needed to see and hear, there was a whole in their hearts that needed filling.
Hallucinations under great stress, or fervent need to believe can create a false reality, again, without drugs.
But they are still not real, these visions, they are a false reality caused by the physical human brain, the human brain IS A PHYSICAL OBJECT.
Complicated for sure, maybe the most complicated, but still physical.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

A poem by author Gary G Pelow, Rational

There exists nothing anymore that is rational, people, places, things, events, minds, even God are not rational.
It is not that God as a real being is irrational, believing in his existence is irrational, he is not real in any imaginary incarnation of any human being's imagination.
People are certainly not rational, including me, I take six psychiatric drugs to try and squash down the obviousness of my irrationality, I am irrational because I keep trying, I keep going, I do not stop, I will not get lost in suicide, violence, drugs or crime, although those could be considered rational in a world that offers nothing of purpose or meaning.
Muslims , Jews and the 30,000 different Christian Sects that exist are not rational, these three groups claim divine knowledge from what Christopher Hitchens described as Bronze age, illiterate, pedophile, savage goat fuckers like Mohammad, Jesus, Peter and Paul.
White and black people are not rational, not in the USA they are not.  Instead of talking things out, which I know sounds childish but the other choice is evil, we forget that like it or not blacks, not of voluntary choice of immigration history, are Americans, yet whites do not always see that citizenship of blacks in the United States but that are also blacks who do not easily or willingly take the title of "American".
Yet blacks nor whites are being realistic if they think that some fantasy of a separate set of nations of the races is possible or even desirable are gone and have wandered into the forest of insanity known as "I refuse to grow the fuck up".
Terrorist groups like the NEW BLACK PANTHER PARTY, that have nothing to do with the ORIGINAL Black Panther Party, openly call for the murder of whites and the terrorists of Black Lives Matter fostered the atmosphere that has gotten five police officers executed from elevated positions with high power rifles at a distance of a couple of hundred yards at multiple targets in Dallas Texas.  There are videos easy to find of Black Lives Matter supporters calling for the murder of police officers on YOUtube.
Whites are irrational for thinking THEY are the ones who can solves all problems magically for black people, that is young, rich, affluent, white, college educated, liberal, progressive social justice warriors who want to help or speak for blacks as if blacks are to childish or retarded to solve problems on their own, no they need white liberals to save them.
Of course there is nothing rational in white people like Richard Spencer or David Duke and his fake, useless, meaningless Doctoral degree.
I voted for Donald Trump, I now see to late I helped vote an irrational person to power.  Not because Trump is a racist, homophobe, sexist, misogynist, fascist, Nazi, white Supremacist, I see no evidence he is any of those things.  What I DO SEE IS HE IS SEVERELY MENTALLY ILL as Sam Harris has pointed out, Trump is mentally unraveling before our eyes in real time with possession of nuclear weapon codes.
So what is my point? I have no point. There is no point, there never was.
But, most of us will keep going, keep trying to live, to keep working, having families, going to college, not be violent or be criminals or serial killers.  For me, I will continue my Spanish classes, my work in marketing, my poetry, my hobbies, my social life, such as it is.  To keep going, to keep living, to not be violent, to give a shit about other people, to not kill or abuse each other, to go to work everyday and reluctantly pay taxes.
Nothing is rational about these things, there is nothing rational about the opposites of these things.  We are her because we are here, not rational, no point, just reality as it is according to the laws of physics and the non-existence of god, gods or the supernatural that do not exist.
The stars, Sun, galaxies, planets, comets, The Earth itself all keep going, so do we.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Unforgiving

"They are my family, my kin, how could I do such a thing to them?" my girlfriend asked me.
My kin, as my girl put it, includes 8 living brothers and sisters and one sister who died as a baby and another sister who committed suicide by removing her head rather messily with a sawed off shotgun.
And what did I do to my "kin" that was so horrible? Well, basically I told them, ALL OF THEM, to go fuck themselves.
To leave me alone, to make no contact with me, I do not hide myself in any deliberate way, I am on facebook, my account is not restricted for viewing, I am on twitter, blogger, Tumblr,, I am not hiding, I am there online in plain sight.
So what happened? What evil things has my family, that is my brothers and sisters, my parents are dead, do to me that was so horrible that I would cut them out of my life like I was removing a cancerous tumor with a scalpel?
Well, lets go back to the first line written above.  My girlfriend, or now, my ex-girlfriend.
We had met online, on some dating site called Zoosk, we talked for six months on the phone then we met later when she drove from Buffalo to Brockport.
It went well at first, I learned to trust her implicitly, I saw her as one of the nicest, most rational, even tempered and mature woman I had ever met, I still believe she is.
But as time went on the distance between us, about 200 miles, was putting stress on the relationship. It was hard for either one of us to travel back and forth between Buffalo and Brockport, her by car, me by bus.
Somehow the distance made honest communication difficult, or at least it made it more difficult for either one of us to know what we were telling each other was true.
She no longer trusted me after I lied to her and told her I went to a family reunion when I did not. I did not think it was a big deal, this was my family, my problem, the information, the lie was not that important.
But oddly enough, before I even told my girlfriend that lie she was already talking to my brother Tom and his wife, my sister-in-law, by phone for months behind my back.
That is how she knew I did not go to the reunion.
I had NOT yet cut off my family before this point.
I simply did not want to go to a reunion taking place outside in 95 degree weather, my sister drove to pick me up, I told her I was not going, it was hot, it was not a big deal.
What was a big deal was after I told my girlfriend that lie she already knew I was lying but did not say that she knew I was lying or how she knew.
She played along for a few months after the lie and then she finally blurted out she had been talking to my brother and his poor excuse of a wife already for months.
I was annoyed with her, but enraged with my brother, and by extension all of my "Kin"
They had been in contact with me normally on a regular basis never mentioning talking to my girlfriend behind my back.
When I found out about the deception, one, I might add was carried on for months, I immediately called my brother Tom and my sister Dorothy to tell them, in very vulgar, loud, abusive, random, prolific and profane language that they were never to contact me again, ever.
I told them I do not give a fuck if someone in the family is deceased, do not contact me, I DO NOT FUCKING CARE.
Twice in the past, at different times my father and his sister died and left me with some inheritance money.
I told my brother and sister if anyone else in our family died and left me money, keep it, go fuck yourselves, I do not want it, I even gave them written proof that was my sentiment should a death and inheritance come up again.
What got me was the things my brother said to my girlfriend, That I was a violent, mentally ill nut job and was dangerous, he, my brother and his wife, told my girlfriend things ONLY A RELATIVE WOULD HAVE KNOWN.
Mind you I am 51 years old, I have no criminal record, no record of violence, theft, robbery, rape, pedophilia, bank robbery, purse snatching or fucking jay walking, I do not even drive a car so I had no speeding tickets, parking tickets or DWI's.
It was the brazen lying that shocked me.  Why would my family say things like I was a violent nut job when I had no record of crime of any kind, fuck even my credit report was just average.
I never bothered to ask my brother why he id it, I simply told him, I knew he did it, he said things about me only he would know.
I called him up and that was the end of any future with contact to my biological siblings, they crossed a line, they deliberately tied  to sabotage a relationship with a woman who made me happy, like I had no right to be happy.
Hence, my girlfriend's question, Why? They are your Kin, no matter what,they are your family!
She, my girl was from rural Kentucky, "kin" was the center of all reality.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Steve Shives, Feminism, ANTIFA, and left wing fascist threats of violence.

They try to use threats, threats of all kinds to shut me up, the far left and the far right.
I say fuck you to Islam and they threaten me with violence, the Islamists do, they do not want the truth of their death cult exposed.
That their prophet Mohammad, was a fake prophet, as all prophets are, but also he was a pedophile, slave owner and an illiterate savage suffering from psychosis.
The feminists try to shut me up, as do the Fascists of ANTIFA, the fascist "antifascists", likewise with the anarchists, Black Lives Matter and the terrorist street rioters of the black block technique of violence.
They all try to label me as a fascist because I voted for Donald Trump, or some other made up excuse to label me a racist, a Nazi or a fascist.
The real fascists, and terrorists by the way, are on the far left in the uniform of the cowards, black masks and black clothes to hide themselves as they commit assault, arson, beatings, threats, stabbings, and murder against those who oppose them.
They, these left wing fascists, make up words like Islamaphobia which is a word that does not exist and has no coherent meaning, they redefine the word "Nazi" or "fascist" or "racist" or "white Supremacist" or "misogynist" to mean anyone who opposes THEIR brand of fascism, racism, THEIR Apologetics in defense of Islam while ignoring the rape and sexual enslavement of children and the genital mutilation of young girls in the Islamic world.
The far left fascists threaten me with violence because I call out the truth of their execution and murder of police officers egged on by Black Lives Matter.
Feminists like You tube cunt Steve Shives hides behind the labels of progressive, or liberal or feminist and at the exact same time advocating violence against "misogynists", "Nazis", "Fascists" or "racists", words that in his small I.Q. mind means anyone bold enough to point out his support of violence and terrorism.
The words "fascist", "Nazi", "white supremacist" or "racist" or "misogynists" have real meanings and are real words that DO describe people who hold views of racism, white supremacy, that hate women, that are right wing fascists who use violence or threats of it to support a right wing authoritarian future and real members of the political Parties that self identify as members of "new" or "Neo Nazi"  who ascribe to the ideals of National Socialism based on the ideas of Adolf Hitler.
People Like Steve Shives have not only rendered these real words as meaningless, they actually themselves have become Nazis, fascists, and racists of identity politics. They are fascist  in violent forms of feminism. That they, the left, want to use violence to shut me up, or people like me, who point out the violence, riots, assaults and beatings and stabbings and arson of anarchist, ANTIFA, Black Lives Matter and black block rioters, all who are on the left, show who the real fascists are.  The "progressives", the "feminists", the apologists for Islam and its death cult ideology that seeks a world wide authoritarian, theocratic, Muslim dictatorship in which Muslims would have free reign to murder gays, Jews, atheists, other Muslims who are apparently not Muslim enough, Christians, Sikhs, Hindus, Buddhists, any Kaffir are the real Nazis and fascists.
All supported blindly by people like Clementine Ford, Steve Shives, and Anita Sarkeesian.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Broken Mind and Statistics.

The mind, or more precisely the brain of a human being can be come "broken", "dysfunctional" or "not right".
This can manifest in many ways and down many roads, there are numbers to be looked at when the brain "breaks".
The person whose brain carries the label "schizophrenic" and the associated evidence of brain abnormalities that seem to show up, but not always, in these persons are, as adults 80% smokers and users of tobacco.
The "Non-Schizophrenic" adult is a person that has about a 20% chance of being a smoker, there is obviously something going on there, yes nicotine would be addictive to any user, schizophrenic or not, but there is something else going on there and no one really knows what that is.
There was a controversial study that claimed to show nicotine and cigarettes are a way of "self-medicating" for the Schizophrenic, but not just in the usual abuse of a drug to "self medicate" but to self medicate in that nicotine as a drug reduces psychotic symptoms of schizophrenia and reduces the symptoms of anti-psychotic meds.
This has not been verified to be true or false, the experts question the fact there was only one study that could not be replicated and was flawed to begin with.
Schizophrenics who are single,white males with high I.Q.s under the age of thirty who remember being successful in life before schizophrenia are five times more likely to commit suicides that are actually completed.
The use of booze and illicit drugs occurs 37% to 47% more often in Schizophrenic adults than non-schizophrenics.
People who end their own lives because of depression and their "broken brain" is 3%-7%, varying by some degree based on ethnicity, people of color are somewhat more likely to commit suicide than "whites".
The feed back loop of mounting anxiety that builds with intensity in the brains of anxious people are more likely to result in overeating, obesity and diabetes than the average non-anxious adult.
The Cancer rates for all mentally ill people, the whole spectrum of broken brained people, are no higher than anyone else but they are still 30% more likely to die from cancer even though the presence of cancer is no higher in mentally ill people.
I could go on, but you get the point, broken brains lead to broken lives that lead to pain and death.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Fascism in a Dress or Tent

The brown shirt Nazi fascists wore uniforms with brown shirts, tan shorts and a red, black and white swastika arm band to advertise openly their fascism, totalitarianism, and street violence done for The Fuhrer.
The black shirts of Mussolini in the twenties in Italy wore black shirts and pants to openly advertise themselves, THE ORIGINAL FASCISTS, The Fascista, and their violence and thuggery.
These two groups wore visible, identifiable uniforms that people of Germany and Italy quickly learned who these groups were, what the men as members did and believed in, and learned to be afraid of them.
This was done on purpose, using these uniforms, to intimidate people just by coming into sight of these brown and black shirts, these thugs.
Violence was not even always needed to intimidate your average German or Italian for Hitler or Mussolini and their movements.
The idea is the same for any uniform, uniforms are visible statements of who a person is and what they stand for, the same is true with groups of people.
The uniform of The United States Marines is a statement of courage, patriotism, courage, strength and love of country, The USA.
The uniform of the U.S. Navy is a statement as well, a statement again of courage, patriotism, bravery, strength and love of country, The USA.
The uniform of The Salvation Army is a statement of Christian dedication, service to others and disciplined lifestyles.
The Uniform of the regular German Army of World War 2 was a statement that the professional German soldier was a dedicated brave fighter who fought with distinction and bravery but the uniform also was a statement to create fear, fear that German soldiers would someday be in control of your country, city or neighborhood, it was a statement on the fear of conquest in the name of Hitler.
But, today there are new fascists that wear a different kind of uniform for some of the same reasons as above but also different reasons.
The uniform of these fascists worn by men are a beard, no moustache and a male version of a dress, a gown or cloth worn to show religious devotion to a religion that is not a religion, Islam.
Islam is a governmental, political fascist party that hides behind a fake God and a fake prophet to install governments world wide that will kill all unbelievers, apostates, atheists, Jews, Christians, gays and all Kaffar or Kaffir.
The uniform for women in this fascist ideology varies greatly, Islamists in Asia dress their women folk in what is essentially a tent.
The same is true for women living under the fascism of Suadia Arabia, Quatar and other Islamist states.
This fascist party wears uniforms to hide the fact they are fascists, they want you to see them as pious, devoted servants of Allah, of God.
Whether or not these Islamist fascists actually believe in Allah or not does not matter, their ideology and purpose is to use the Name of Allah to run fascist dictatorships that stone rape victims to death for adultery,
throw gay people off the top of skyscrapers to their death, to kill atheists, apostates from Islam, Christians, Jews and enslave women and girls sexually and in every other manner of slavery.
This fascism is starting to spread in the west without military war by Muslims, and that is the point.
The religious uniform of Islam is to hide their intentions and conquer the west as religious immigrants, migrants or refugees.
Do not be fooled, they are Islamists, slave owners, pedophiles, fascists.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Noise

The noise is deafening, it is all around me, beneath me, above me, on each side of me.
It is outside my apartment door in the hallway, it is on the streets in the new heat of Spring and Summer.
It blows with the bitter cold winds of winter in Rochester, NY, it is in the cold air that drops below fifty degrees below zero.
It is emanating from the people I sit next to at dinner, supposedly my loyal friends, the noise that is deafening is their when they do and do not speak.
It is deafening.
It is there when I turn on my air conditioner, and when I turn it off, in the cold or heat it is in this apartment in every room.
It is in the traffic noise outside as the cars drive by my house on this street, it is also there when there is no traffic at all.
The noise is deafening.
It is there in the middle of the night, in the dark outside, in the still of the night as I smoke  a cigarette.
It is there when strangers walk by my house and when they do not.
It is there in the conversations of my neighbors as they speak loud enough to hear them talk, it is also there when they say nothing or are not even home.
The noise is deafening.
It is there online as I work or as I entertain myself via the internet, it is there in the music, the videos, the websites.
The noise is deafening.
It is there as I cook bacon in a skillet, in the sound of the crackling of bacon.
It is there as I eat that bacon.
The noise is the complete quiet of empty loneliness.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

138 Gordon's Diaries Bichos y Escorpiones LightSpeed Spanish

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Troll

They call me a troll to shame me into silence for pointing out how bad reality is in terms of human suffering.
They especially try to shame me into silence when I suggest you can still have good mental health and good physical health, even happiness in the midst of an insane world with so much human violence and suffering.
They try to shame me into silence, because unlike them I do not just look at an insane world and complain and fret about it like scared toddlers who are helpless, and offer no solutions or healthy coping skills and actions.
Yes, you can be in good mental health by getting into treatment and sticking with it, like in my case Schizophrenia, and contribute something productive to an inhuman, cruel, vicious world.
To do something constructive to lower or prevent the suffering of other human beings, animals as well for that matter.
We can all find health and happiness in compassion, in becoming someone who does not just bleat on about their own suffering and hopelessness, and instead do things and actions, however large or small, to reduce the suffering of our fellow sentient beings, human or otherwise, by giving to charity, becoming a nurse, volunteering at a meal kitchen that feeds the homeless, lonely, mentally ill, the poor, the victims of crime or drug and alcoholism as people try to get back on their feet.
Some just give money to charity, others who have the means to do so become doctors.
Some people can become politically active for a cause that concerns them morally.
Mind you, I am talking about mentally ill people doing these things to both help themselves by giving meaning and purpose to their lives and reduce suffering of others.
I have found as a person with Schizophrenia I can maintain both my mental and physical health in the ways I just suggested.
Being a childish whiner about how bad the world and the state of humanity with no suggestions for coping that are reasonable and logical is just accepting nihilism and hopelessness.
They ignored my suggestions, they said I was a troll with a sick mind.
A sick mind? For helping others? A sick mind? Really?
So I asked them, What is your response to an insane world in your view of hopelessness of it all? Suicide? Drugs? Alcoholism? Hedonism? Beating your children? Sex addiction? Murder? Spitting on homeless people? Scientology? Teaching fables of the Bible and Koran written by Bronze Age, illiterate, goat fucking savages about Allah or Jesus or Gods?
I just hear crickets in response.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Jesus wants your lusts!

HOMOSEX PRIDE Parade: East (Tokyo) VS West

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Bombarded

I woke up early this morning, shaking in fear, lost in paranoia and delusion left over from the previous day.
It was 7:00 A.M., I went out to smoke a cigarette in front of my apartment house, my apartment is one of six in the house.
As soon as I got to the side walk and lit up a cigarette some black woman came up from behind me and started babbling out non-sensical speech, words just poured out of her mouth randomly, no sentences, no grammar, no point.
Now as someone who has a severe mental illness, Schizophrenia, I immediately INTELLECTUALLY recognized this woman as being mentally ill, her speech is what shrinks call "word salad", and mentally ill people in this neighborhood are not unusual.
But, she unnerved me none the less, there was part of me believing she was just playing a role, street theater, in an ORGANIZED conspiracy to stalk, hunt, and harass me.
You see, the previous day, I and some friends went to dinner held for free, five nights a week, in the basement of a local Roman Catholic Church.
As I approached the front entrance to the church there was a man standing there texting on his smart phone, I did not even notice him.
One of my other friends came up to me and said this guy had been standing near the church for 2 hours in the same spot not moving an inch, just texting.
As I turned around to look at him, I immediately recognized him, he had been in that same spot two weeks earlier and I had already video recorded him once before on my smart phone.
So, in front of my friends who pointed out this man to me this second time, I whipped out my smart phone and walked right up to him about five feet in front of him and was digitally video recording him, he saw me, it was obvious to him what I was doing, it did not seem to bother him to be recorded, he said nothing, I said nothing.
I recorded him for two minutes, part of me thinking he was there to harass me in particular.
I posed the video on social media and You Tube.
It may have been nothing harmful or dangerous to me, but I could not resist the temptation to do something.
Confronting him verbally and physically was never going to be a choice, that shit is illegal.
So I recorded him, posted him on the internet either because he was a dangerous stalker or private investigator in some conspiracy or I just sank into paranoia and posted a random video that means nothing.
I can never tell which.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Disconcerting

I am always distracted, there is so much information coming at me from all directions, I get confused,
I hear the traffic outside driving by my house and somewhere down the block I hear chainsaws being used to cut tree branches at the same time.
Someone drives by with their car stereos blasting music and there is banging noises coming from my neighbor's apartment.
Early in the morning, it is Spring here, I hear birds start chirping about 1 hour before the Sun comes up, once that happens I am awake for the rest of the day, my confusion begins.
I hate those fucking birds.
The Sun is blaring right now very brightly after 9 days of cold and rain and Lake Ontario flooding last week.
The traffic outside is still going strong even as I write this, it is so fucking annoying, I just want perfect quiet and calm surroundings, no noises.
I turn on my computer and immediately I am bombarded with images, music, sound, voices.
I can not seem to concentrate on one thing at a time and the information bombarding me makes me nervous and anxious and filled with dread.
Its getting warmer here, it is May, since stupid, loud and drunken assholes will be blaring their music and screaming and shouting outside along the strip, I have to wear ear plugs just to fucking sleep, if I can sleep at all.
When I am hit with so much information in all forms of images, noises, people, texting, I get insomnia, my mind races all night.
I think if I had no friends, nowhere to meet people without alcohol being present, I would go nuts.
I can meet my friends nightly for dinner, there is about ten of us, we go to the same table every night, we talk, we support each other, it is a time to talk but also to wind down our minds reeling from our troubles.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, What is real? I do not know anymore.

Cars drive slowly past my house suspiciously looking at me as I smoke my cigarette, I think they are stalking and hunting me to kill me.
I write very often of the dangers of the fascism known as Islam, I make no secret that Mohammad was a pedophile.
Maybe people are hunting me and getting ready to kill me for telling the truth, the reality of Islam, or some other subject I have spoken on or written about.
I have Schizophrenia and I fear Muslim extremists and their passive supporters are organizing a hunt against me, a literal hunt, where I will be followed, tracked, cornered and killed, or tortured and then killed like I am a fucking animal, like a deer or a pheasant, or maybe they, those hunters trying to murder me think I am less than even animals.
My reality, or my perception of it, is confused by many factors, I am mentally ill, I do have a history of paranoid fantasies of conspiracies being carried out against me like stalking me, hiring private investigators to follow me, filming me, putting me under close surveillance, I believed at one point all of this was being done by The Church of Scientology because I spent years publicly criticizing them and their fake, corporate church.
My paranoia is also inflamed by stress from the uncertainty of my future, Trump is President and if I lose healthcare coverage, or even just part of it, I could end up dead, death is a recurring theme in my fears, real or not, of those who are trying to kill me, be they Muslim or drug gangs or other enemies I may or may not have.
I live in fear everyday over the idea I am being watched and followed by a large group of people from many different backgrounds in a highly well organized plan to hunt me after years of deliberately breaking me down to the point of a mental collapse or suicide.
I have not, will not commit suicide like my enemies want, if they want me dead, they will have to kill me.
I take six different medications everyday, these help keep me in control of my own behavior regardless of what my enemies may do to harass, follow, hunt stalk and kill me like prey.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, I Am Trying

The fear and paranoia are back in full force, so is the nausea, abdominal pain, vomiting, lethargy, panic, shame guilt, physical pain, weakness, dizziness, headaches and chills and fever.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and I told her I was doing fine, that I have been doing fine for more than a month since I moved into my new apartment.
For more than a month I have not had vertigo, nausea, weakness, physical pain, paranoia but now its all back.
I am struggling to keep my work schedule everyday even though I feel miserable both physically and mentally.
I have run out of Seroquel and can not get the drug until tomorrow when I get paid.
I have to pay the rent tomorrow as well as the electric and cable Wi-Fi bills.  I am trying so hard, I feel horrible
Worst of all, I am afraid, terrified in fact, I think there are teenage hoodlums out there following me and watching me planning to kill me, I took out my cell phone and took pictures and video recording of these perps, I let them know that I took there pictures, not by talking to these thugs or confronting them, I just made it obvious I had them under watch.
I have many such photos on my phone of people following me and crowding me and hunting and stalking me to kill me.
I am keeping records, I may be wrong, it may be my paranoia, I do not know which anymore.
I am trying to keep my work schedules and meet my responsibilities in all of this physical pain, tiredness, fear, terror, worry and nausea and abdominal pain.
I hate this life.
I am trying.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Un poema de autor Gary G Pelow

Yo hoy son mucho y muy tengo mierdo, mi mente is lleno muchos problemas de deluciones y halucionados.
Mi cerebra es no normal como tu y otros gente y personas, mi miento es en un estada de confusion y terror emociones.
No se que es real o imaginario en ese mundo, yo tengo muchos problemas con otros persone por que mi condicione mental de enferma de mente.
Hay persona y diablos y espiritus mal que viven en me mente y todos tiempos yo soy me anxiedad y terror.
Em mi mundo  de psicosis, hay es no vierdads, todos de realidad es un posicion de incertedumbre, no se que es real.
La gente que son acerca mi no comprenden el dolor y terror yo siento todos dios en mi mente todos dias con no fin a el terror en mi cabeza.
Yo pregunta, Son tu mi enemigo o amiga? No se, por que todos realidad es en duda.
Yo ve enemigos en todos lugares en el mundo, yo tengo suspiciones de todos personas yo ve en todos lugares, es terible, es dolor mental que no otros persona pueble ve.
Yo ve  muchos fantasmos y espiritus en enfrente de mi ojos que no otra gente pueblen percibien.
Yo soy solo en este mundo, mi mundo y realidad es no mismo como tu o otra personas de mundo total.
Nunca personas tiene el capcidade ayudar, yo soy es solo en el mundo de mi mente y psychosis.
Yo vas exterior de mi casa que tiene mi apartmento y veo personas como mi enemigo, todos personas, regular las personas quien son extrenos, la gente yo soy no se, en el grupo de gente yo soy son todavia solo, hay no amigos or aliados, yo soy es muy loco y mucho  inestable mentale.

Friday, April 28, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Red Lights

The car is outside, They are stalking me, or I think they are, I am standing in front of my house smoking a cigarette.
They are waiting to see if I am going to walk down the street, they may try to kill me in a drive by shooting or other violence.
I had no intention to go anywhere tonight, I was just outside in the dark to smoke, but they wanted me to walk somewhere, the store, the pharmacy, a bar, wherever, they just wanted me to walk down the street so they can kill me.
They were just parked there with there big scary rear car red lights shining full blast than they drove past me, pulled into a driveway , turned around and drove past me with the scary red lights.
I saw them driving away past me, than I saw them turning around, I tried to take out my cell phone to take pictures or video of them in their car, but they drove away to fast, I did not see clearly who the people in the car were other than the fact they were white.  Also it was to dark to take clear pictures or record clear digital video from my smart phone.
I do not know what is real or not tonight, I am afraid, but violence or suicide coming from me to myself or others is absolutely out of the question, not options, not on the table.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Companions

I do not hate them, these people who are following me, who are stalking me, like John Nash and his companions.
I go to the laundromat, the coinop, and they are there, staring at me, trying to unnerve me, trying to make me afraid.
I go to Nick's Super store to buy simple food items on the corner and they are there, staring at me, following me.
They are standing on the street corner of Meigs and Monroe and they are there, staring at me, spying on me.
I go to the Roman Catholic Church for a free dinner, a nutritious dinner, and they are there, following me, spying on me, staring at me.
I often feel afraid of my companions in the sense they will eventually use violence coming from some grudge they have against me to kill me.
I see them talking and texting to their bosses or handlers, the ones who are in charge of my companions who are stalking me.
They always intend to make me feel frightened, threatened, unsafe, humiliated, meek and week, they intend to make me feel and act like a coward, a milquetoast.
But I am tired of being afraid or being threatened or stalked to make me feel constant fear, fuck that shit.
No more fear. I will stand my ground.  I will defend myself if need be. I will stand up to protect my rights and dignity without backing down. I will always follow the law but never capitulate to my companions who are my enemies, I will continue my life, they would have to kill me to stop me from living normally.
By the way, my companions, my enemies who are always there may not actually exist.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, AMNESIA

I take the drug, I have to, I have schizophrenia, I have confusion, fear, paranoia, anxiety, psychosis.
The Benzo drugs, I take one of the drugs twice daily, Klonopin, a "minor" tranquilizer, their is nothing "minor" about it.
Addiction and attachment can develop while using such drugs, over time stopping them abruptly can cause severe problems like seizures and vomiting.
Death can occur in those conditions.
So why?  Why do I ingest such substances into my body, they seem and can be dangerous.
I take them to live, I take them to live as normally as possible while in a confused state of constant paranoia and psychosis revolving around the idea people are plotting against me, that there is a net work of gang teenagers following me, reporting to their bosses about me.
I have no idea who those bosses would be, and I have no idea why they would stalk me trying to kill me.
I have no scientific proof of these beliefs, I use to go up to total strangers and accost them while accusing them of following me or spying on me, they always denied it, the spying, the stalking.
But I have to still live, I still have to work, pay the rent, get together with friends.
I still have to eat, have a place to live.
I still have to write my poetry such as it is.
The drug reduces my fears even when I am still in a state of paranoia and psychosis, if nothing else Klonopin makes the idea that their is a conspiracy against me more bearable and filled with much less fear of people trying to kill me.
This is important because I have no proof anyone is trying to stalk or kill me, so I still have to live, to function, to study my Spanish lessons and make my videos for
Klonopin keeps me on a straight, routine daily path, a daily schedule, to do my errands, to do the mundane like doing laundry.
Routine is important.
But also Klonopin puts me into a very deep sleep during the night on a very relatively low dose of Klonopin.
I wake up the next morning in a confused fog of tiredness and forgetfulness.
AMNESIA. KLONOPIN AMNESIA.  I often wake up with no memories of past negative events, if I forget something horrible or threatening, I have less stress.
So, I walk around in a tired, forgetful, amnesiac fog.
But I can sleep again, my insomnia is gone, it often lasted for months.
I am no longer going through severe vomiting brought on by stress and anxiety with no medical cause on a daily basis with severe abdominal pain and constipation and diarrhea.
These things are gone, and I remember very little of it. Klonopin suppresses the
bad things that happen, I have less trauma.

Friday, April 21, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Gallery of Zero Evidence

My cell phone has a gallery, my smart phone has records, records of what?  People.  What people?
Strangers on the street, strangers just standing there, or parked in a car for one hour with the engine idling, doing, well, nothing.
I see them everywhere, oh, maybe not the exact same people, but people acting the same, staring at me.
I see them texting on their smart phones as they follow me, or it seems they are following me.
Sometimes they are just standing across the street directly ahead of me, or on the street corner, texting someone, someone in charge as they spy on me.
Sometimes I see the same type of white van over and over again, not the EXACT same van, just lookalikes.
I can not seem to step outside my house without seeing these walkers, people just standing there or driving by.
If I am wrong, in that they are not spying on me or following me, I can not take the chance to confront them and accuse them of something with zero evidence.
I do the next best thing, no one gets hurt, I cope a little better, my life moves on.
These stalkers, these "perps", may not be stalkers or "perps"
So if they SEEM suspicious to me, I walk up as close as I can to where they are, where they can clearly see what I am doing, I whip out my smart phone and film them, I take their pictures.
If they are not stalking me or following me, than no big deal, I have a collection of harmless useless videos and pictures of random people on my phone that actually have nothing to do with me.
If they ARE STALKING ME, which I doubt, I have no evidence, but if they are, they have been caught at it, recorded and THEY KNOW IT.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Dragged

I feel like I am being dragged with no direction or control by a team of four horses with my face downward along the ground.
Fear has a tendency to do that to a person, when fear runs amok in the mind that can feel as painful as anything physical.
I am also drained by depression, I have no ambition, at least not today, that tends to go up and down wildly.
Over the past 3 weeks most of my insomnia has gone away, except last night, I was having more paranoid thoughts, it kept running through my head how unseen people and unknown enemies want to kill me and are plotting against me.
It is late April, Spring is right on top of me, yet today is cold and rainy and bleak, made more bleak by fear and paranoia.
I am uplifted in a way though, for four fucking years, up until 20 days ago, I lived in the fucking unstable and unsafe rooming houses of this city in the North.
I was in constant fear for my physical safety, and not just because of paranoia but also because I was in real danger, one of my mentally ill, heroine addict house mates attacked me 3 months ago, a statement by events it was time to go, especially since I actually had the money to go.
So I am certainly grateful for being in a my own home, with my own kitchen, stove, bathroom, shower, and furniture.
I do have some sense of achievement for plowing through the past for years with constant abdominal pain, vomiting, constipation, insomnia, depression, anxiety, worry, paranoia, psychosis, delusion to a better place.
This place.

Friday, April 14, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, What is a Racist?

Am I racist if I point out women get stoned to death in Islamic politically controlled counties for adultery, even if their "adultery" is being a victim of rape?
Am I a racist when I point this out even though Islam is not a race, it is a religion, sometimes a political system?
Am I a bigot when I point out that pampered, rich, white, first world, third wave feminist, leftists ignore these murders and torturing of women in the Islamic world and ignore its real patriarchy and real rape culture and real fascism and complain about how women are treated in the first world, the west, like how they are portrayed in video games in the west?
Where is Australian Feminist, champion of women's rights, Clementine Ford and her outrage over Islam and women?
Well she appears to be missing in action, she would rather complain about non-existent rape culture and patriarchy in the west and join the ranks of feminist Anita Sarkeesian who is more concerned about women portrayed in cartoons, movies and video games, you know IMAGINARY realms.
Go online, go ahead I dare you, Google "Stoning videos" of "Adulterers" or gays in the Islamic world political countries.
Believe me, you will find quite a plethora of videos of women, children, gays, trangenders, and dissidents being stoned, hung, flogged, enslaved, beaten, mutilated, raped, and tortured in countries of the religion of peace like Iran.
I must forewarn though, these videos are real, they are graphic, they are violent, they are brutal, brought to you by fun loving people of Allah like ISIS, The Taliban, and The Islamic Brotherhood.
Where is cunt whipped you tube user, leftist, Steve Shives? Strange I hear only crickets.
Where is facebook or twitter or tumblr and their outrage over these abuses and murders in Islam?
Well, they are apparently more concerned over humorous cat videos and make up tutorials to be bothered.
Not to bothered to censor others of these truths, so they are aware of these crimes, they just do not care.
Where are ANTIFA and the antifascists and the anarchists out to fight violence and bigotry?
Well they are to busy defending Islamic murder, torture, violence and fascism by using violence to shut people up who bring you theses facts.

Monday, April 10, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Tension

There is tension in the world today, it is a conflict of civilizations, I do not care if you call me a racist or an Islamaphobe, I know that I am not a racist and the word Islamaphobe is a made up word that says nothing, means nothing, and conveys nothing.
In the name of diversity and multiculturalism, migrants, mostly young men of military age and conscription in their home countries, are raping young women and even children, boys and girls on a massive scale in Sweden, Germany and England and the police do nothing.
Muslim migrants from the Middle East and Sub-Sahara Africa view non-Muslim women as whores to be viewed as having no rights and as legitimate targets of rape and sexual molestation.
Young boys and girls have been molested and even anally and vaginally raped, one rapist of a young boy said he committed his crime because he was having a "sexual emergency".
The media in The United States and the rest of the Western media in Europe and Canada, and Australia and New Zealand do not report these things, after all "diversity is our strength" and Islam is a "religion of peace".
I do not support hate crimes against Muslims, but nor do I support anti-Semitic and anti-Jewish hate crimes, which are on the rise in Europe and the West in general being committed by Muslim migrants and immigrants.
It is baffling that violent leftist "anti-fascists", ANTIFA and anarchists who claim they are fighting fascism by using violence against people who they do not agree with through riots, punching, kicking, pepper spray and black block violent techniques completely ignore the anti-Semitic crimes and violence and rape and subjugation of women and fascism of the political Islamic fascist world as well as fascist Muslim anti-Semites, racists and rapists.
Left wing, feminist, progressive, Cultural Marxists, ANTIFA, anarchist activists like third wave feminist Australian Clementine Ford or American bell hooks proudly bleat out loudly how they support the rights of women, gays, people of color, people in the LGBTQ community, bisexuals, and how they  oppose violence and hate speech against these groups but they ignore the public execution of gays in Iran by hanging from construction cranes or being thrown off roof tops in other Islamist countries for being gay and if they survive the fall, no worries, there is always a crowd waiting to finish the job by stoning.
These psychotic and delusional third wave feminists ignore female genital mutilation of young girls, the stoning, flogging and beating of women as well as their enslavement to men, as well as honor killings and acid being thrown in the face of women throughout the Muslim world and Sub-Sahara Africa.
People like Australian Clementine Ford are delusional and are pathological liars who have openly called for violence against their opponents.
The Western citizens of Western societies are tired of this shit, they are voting for right wing candidates because the far political left has collective erectile dysfunction.
I do not like or support the far right like Richard Spencer, but they are gaining influence because of the political left.
Donald Trump is President of The United States thanks to people like Clementine Ford.

Friday, April 7, 2017

A Poem by Gary G Pelow, On The Move

He struck me hard in the arm with a broom handle and left a bruise, a room mate I did not really know well.
I lived in that rooming house for three fucking years, the landlord said he would put five people into that rooming house if he could arrange it, find the right tenants.
He never really seemed to be able to find the "right tenants", after 2 or 3 months he often evicted most of his tenants.
It was like a fucking revolving door, people, tenants, of all shapes, sizes, races, religions, cultures, and nationalities came and went for three fucking years.
The landlord was a good guy, he kept the rooming house in good repair and enforced common sense rules for the tenants, hence the constant evictions and the revolving door.
I was was the only tenant there that stayed for an extended period without being evicted for the three years I was there as a tenant.
My room mates came and went, or more accurately, they came and then were evicted for all kinds of violations.
Drug use, drunkenness, unreasonably loud noises, yelling and screaming, and all around general chaos.
Of course some tenants had to leave simply over money, or the lack of it, to pay the rent.
Some of the tenants moved in while on "welfare" and for whatever reasons had their "welfare"  or "public assistance" cases closed by the local department of social services.
No money, no place to live.
I have been fortunate, even as a mentally ill person, in terms of financing, that is having enough money to at least pay the rent, buy food, pay for my psychiatric care and medical care and money for the bus.
I was on a form of Social Security program that was for the disabled that was need based, not on employment history and paying taxes into the Social Security system in the United States.
It was much less money for rent, food, medical and psychiatric care and transportation, I was never homeless, but it was a tight budget that I did manage well most of the time.
Then my father died.  Within five days of his death The United States Social Security Administration sent me a letter saying I was from that point forward to receive Social Security Survivor Benefits based on my father's work history and based on the fact I was considered disabled by mental illness before the age of 22.
So I had more money per month and a less strict budget but still a fixed income.
So, I was living in this rooming house for three fucking years and I put up with all kinds of bullshit because I needed the landlord as a reference to find my own apartment.
I saved up $1,200 and one early morning I got up to go the the bathroom and was promptly attacked by one of my most recent room mates with a broom handle, the fucking pigs did not arrest him and I never got to press charges against this fucking idiot who apparently went off his psychiatric meds and started using heroine.
I had had enough, my psychosis and fear and anxiety were rising, I was never really safe at that rooming house, so I bolted.
I am now living in less fear and with more privacy.

Monday, March 13, 2017

DESIDERATA - You Are A Child Of The Universe - original version

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Mud is thicker than blood.

I had a very good thing going for two years I was with her, she was smart, calm and rational, she was never hysterical.
That was more important to me than her looks or appearance, this is a woman with 7 adult children and a crack smoking ex-husband.
I was living in a small town, I met Sue on the internet, she lived in another city about 150 miles from me with a much larger population than the town that I lived in.
We talked for 6 months on the phone, facebook and using texting and emails to each other.
She actually took the trouble to finally come meet me, she drove that 150 miles to me in her truck, I did not have, and still do not have a car, and never will.
I was sitting on the picnic table sitting next to my apartment building when she drove into the parking lot.
Within ten minutes of meeting her I felt that this was a person I can trust, someone who will not betray me, and that trust was important, I am a paranoid schizophrenic, I trust no one.
So we were together for two years, I would take a Greyhound bus to see her and other times she drove to see me.
After two years though things started turning surreal, abnormal in our relationship, she seemed to start asking me questions that sounded like she was suspicious of me, wary of me.
It was not a situation that she asked me these strange questions because she thought I was cheating on her, no it was actually nothing as banal as that.
She started to question me about exactly where I was both at the immediate moment and current day in terms of my location as well as asking where I was on some other exact day and time.
I did not catch it at first, I did not pickup about what was happening.
But, I learned quite a lot as my sister was planning a family reunion.
She chose a really fucking hot day in July for this shindig, it was almost 100 degrees outside in the shade.
I had been planning to go to this reunion for a very long time, I have ten brothers and sisters and their families I had not seen in years or in some cases I never met
It was hot, I was feeling horrible, I do not do heat well.
I did not go to the reunion.
I told Sue that I did go to the reunion, she and some of my friends believed it was an obligation to go on my part, I had chosen not to see my family or talk to them in over ten years.
My oldest sister committed suicide, I did not find out about it until six years later.
So Sue and my friends believed it would be grossly immoral not to go to the reunion, after all they are my "kin" as Sue put it.
But that is not how I viewed the situation, I was molested and tortured for years in the basement  of my fathers house duct taped to a drain pipe by the son of my fathers girlfriend who had moved in with my family.
My brother Larry was 6 or 7 years older than me, he not only knew about the abuse, but also watched, he did nothing.
My mother was a mentally ill woman in the severest sense and died from booze, I was eight when she died, I was mentally ill myself early on, my behavior grew more bizarre as I approached the teen years.
My family did nothing.
So, as far as I am concerned, my "kin" were completely evil to me, they still are, the word "family" or the word "kin" is meaningless, it said nothing, it conveyed nothing.
Anyways I found out why Sue was asking me questions about what I was doing and where I was doing it.
She had been talking behind my back with my brother Tom and his wife, my sister-in-law.
They told her I lied about the reunion, which is right, I did lie about going to the reunion.
They also said that she, Sue, should leave me, that I was violently mentally ill and dangerous.
I have no record of violence or arrests for violent crimes, or any kind of crime.
My brother betraying me like that, telling obvious lies about me to Sue.
Sue admitted talking to my brother and his wife for several months without my knowledge.
She did not actually believe these lies that I was violent, but she also betrayed me simply by listening to their lies for months.
My family of blood was slinging mud at me and at Sue about me.
Apparently my family sees nothing special in the words like "kin", or "family"
So why the fuck should I.