Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Companions

I do not hate them, these people who are following me, who are stalking me, like John Nash and his companions.
I go to the laundromat, the coinop, and they are there, staring at me, trying to unnerve me, trying to make me afraid.
I go to Nick's Super store to buy simple food items on the corner and they are there, staring at me, following me.
They are standing on the street corner of Meigs and Monroe and they are there, staring at me, spying on me.
I go to the Roman Catholic Church for a free dinner, a nutritious dinner, and they are there, following me, spying on me, staring at me.
I often feel afraid of my companions in the sense they will eventually use violence coming from some grudge they have against me to kill me.
I see them talking and texting to their bosses or handlers, the ones who are in charge of my companions who are stalking me.
They always intend to make me feel frightened, threatened, unsafe, humiliated, meek and week, they intend to make me feel and act like a coward, a milquetoast.
But I am tired of being afraid or being threatened or stalked to make me feel constant fear, fuck that shit.
No more fear. I will stand my ground.  I will defend myself if need be. I will stand up to protect my rights and dignity without backing down. I will always follow the law but never capitulate to my companions who are my enemies, I will continue my life, they would have to kill me to stop me from living normally.
By the way, my companions, my enemies who are always there may not actually exist.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, AMNESIA

I take the drug, I have to, I have schizophrenia, I have confusion, fear, paranoia, anxiety, psychosis.
The Benzo drugs, I take one of the drugs twice daily, Klonopin, a "minor" tranquilizer, their is nothing "minor" about it.
Addiction and attachment can develop while using such drugs, over time stopping them abruptly can cause severe problems like seizures and vomiting.
Death can occur in those conditions.
So why?  Why do I ingest such substances into my body, they seem and can be dangerous.
I take them to live, I take them to live as normally as possible while in a confused state of constant paranoia and psychosis revolving around the idea people are plotting against me, that there is a net work of gang teenagers following me, reporting to their bosses about me.
I have no idea who those bosses would be, and I have no idea why they would stalk me trying to kill me.
I have no scientific proof of these beliefs, I use to go up to total strangers and accost them while accusing them of following me or spying on me, they always denied it, the spying, the stalking.
But I have to still live, I still have to work, pay the rent, get together with friends.
I still have to eat, have a place to live.
I still have to write my poetry such as it is.
The drug reduces my fears even when I am still in a state of paranoia and psychosis, if nothing else Klonopin makes the idea that their is a conspiracy against me more bearable and filled with much less fear of people trying to kill me.
This is important because I have no proof anyone is trying to stalk or kill me, so I still have to live, to function, to study my Spanish lessons and make my videos for
Klonopin keeps me on a straight, routine daily path, a daily schedule, to do my errands, to do the mundane like doing laundry.
Routine is important.
But also Klonopin puts me into a very deep sleep during the night on a very relatively low dose of Klonopin.
I wake up the next morning in a confused fog of tiredness and forgetfulness.
AMNESIA. KLONOPIN AMNESIA.  I often wake up with no memories of past negative events, if I forget something horrible or threatening, I have less stress.
So, I walk around in a tired, forgetful, amnesiac fog.
But I can sleep again, my insomnia is gone, it often lasted for months.
I am no longer going through severe vomiting brought on by stress and anxiety with no medical cause on a daily basis with severe abdominal pain and constipation and diarrhea.
These things are gone, and I remember very little of it. Klonopin suppresses the
bad things that happen, I have less trauma.

Friday, April 21, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Gallery of Zero Evidence

My cell phone has a gallery, my smart phone has records, records of what?  People.  What people?
Strangers on the street, strangers just standing there, or parked in a car for one hour with the engine idling, doing, well, nothing.
I see them everywhere, oh, maybe not the exact same people, but people acting the same, staring at me.
I see them texting on their smart phones as they follow me, or it seems they are following me.
Sometimes they are just standing across the street directly ahead of me, or on the street corner, texting someone, someone in charge as they spy on me.
Sometimes I see the same type of white van over and over again, not the EXACT same van, just lookalikes.
I can not seem to step outside my house without seeing these walkers, people just standing there or driving by.
If I am wrong, in that they are not spying on me or following me, I can not take the chance to confront them and accuse them of something with zero evidence.
I do the next best thing, no one gets hurt, I cope a little better, my life moves on.
These stalkers, these "perps", may not be stalkers or "perps"
So if they SEEM suspicious to me, I walk up as close as I can to where they are, where they can clearly see what I am doing, I whip out my smart phone and film them, I take their pictures.
If they are not stalking me or following me, than no big deal, I have a collection of harmless useless videos and pictures of random people on my phone that actually have nothing to do with me.
If they ARE STALKING ME, which I doubt, I have no evidence, but if they are, they have been caught at it, recorded and THEY KNOW IT.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Dragged

I feel like I am being dragged with no direction or control by a team of four horses with my face downward along the ground.
Fear has a tendency to do that to a person, when fear runs amok in the mind that can feel as painful as anything physical.
I am also drained by depression, I have no ambition, at least not today, that tends to go up and down wildly.
Over the past 3 weeks most of my insomnia has gone away, except last night, I was having more paranoid thoughts, it kept running through my head how unseen people and unknown enemies want to kill me and are plotting against me.
It is late April, Spring is right on top of me, yet today is cold and rainy and bleak, made more bleak by fear and paranoia.
I am uplifted in a way though, for four fucking years, up until 20 days ago, I lived in the fucking unstable and unsafe rooming houses of this city in the North.
I was in constant fear for my physical safety, and not just because of paranoia but also because I was in real danger, one of my mentally ill, heroine addict house mates attacked me 3 months ago, a statement by events it was time to go, especially since I actually had the money to go.
So I am certainly grateful for being in a my own home, with my own kitchen, stove, bathroom, shower, and furniture.
I do have some sense of achievement for plowing through the past for years with constant abdominal pain, vomiting, constipation, insomnia, depression, anxiety, worry, paranoia, psychosis, delusion to a better place.
This place.

Friday, April 14, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, What is a Racist?

Am I racist if I point out women get stoned to death in Islamic politically controlled counties for adultery, even if their "adultery" is being a victim of rape?
Am I a racist when I point this out even though Islam is not a race, it is a religion, sometimes a political system?
Am I a bigot when I point out that pampered, rich, white, first world, third wave feminist, leftists ignore these murders and torturing of women in the Islamic world and ignore its real patriarchy and real rape culture and real fascism and complain about how women are treated in the first world, the west, like how they are portrayed in video games in the west?
Where is Australian Feminist, champion of women's rights, Clementine Ford and her outrage over Islam and women?
Well she appears to be missing in action, she would rather complain about non-existent rape culture and patriarchy in the west and join the ranks of feminist Anita Sarkeesian who is more concerned about women portrayed in cartoons, movies and video games, you know IMAGINARY realms.
Go online, go ahead I dare you, Google "Stoning videos" of "Adulterers" or gays in the Islamic world political countries.
Believe me, you will find quite a plethora of videos of women, children, gays, trangenders, and dissidents being stoned, hung, flogged, enslaved, beaten, mutilated, raped, and tortured in countries of the religion of peace like Iran.
I must forewarn though, these videos are real, they are graphic, they are violent, they are brutal, brought to you by fun loving people of Allah like ISIS, The Taliban, and The Islamic Brotherhood.
Where is cunt whipped you tube user, leftist, Steve Shives? Strange I hear only crickets.
Where is facebook or twitter or tumblr and their outrage over these abuses and murders in Islam?
Well, they are apparently more concerned over humorous cat videos and make up tutorials to be bothered.
Not to bothered to censor others of these truths, so they are aware of these crimes, they just do not care.
Where are ANTIFA and the antifascists and the anarchists out to fight violence and bigotry?
Well they are to busy defending Islamic murder, torture, violence and fascism by using violence to shut people up who bring you theses facts.

Monday, April 10, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Tension

There is tension in the world today, it is a conflict of civilizations, I do not care if you call me a racist or an Islamaphobe, I know that I am not a racist and the word Islamaphobe is a made up word that says nothing, means nothing, and conveys nothing.
In the name of diversity and multiculturalism, migrants, mostly young men of military age and conscription in their home countries, are raping young women and even children, boys and girls on a massive scale in Sweden, Germany and England and the police do nothing.
Muslim migrants from the Middle East and Sub-Sahara Africa view non-Muslim women as whores to be viewed as having no rights and as legitimate targets of rape and sexual molestation.
Young boys and girls have been molested and even anally and vaginally raped, one rapist of a young boy said he committed his crime because he was having a "sexual emergency".
The media in The United States and the rest of the Western media in Europe and Canada, and Australia and New Zealand do not report these things, after all "diversity is our strength" and Islam is a "religion of peace".
I do not support hate crimes against Muslims, but nor do I support anti-Semitic and anti-Jewish hate crimes, which are on the rise in Europe and the West in general being committed by Muslim migrants and immigrants.
It is baffling that violent leftist "anti-fascists", ANTIFA and anarchists who claim they are fighting fascism by using violence against people who they do not agree with through riots, punching, kicking, pepper spray and black block violent techniques completely ignore the anti-Semitic crimes and violence and rape and subjugation of women and fascism of the political Islamic fascist world as well as fascist Muslim anti-Semites, racists and rapists.
Left wing, feminist, progressive, Cultural Marxists, ANTIFA, anarchist activists like third wave feminist Australian Clementine Ford or American bell hooks proudly bleat out loudly how they support the rights of women, gays, people of color, people in the LGBTQ community, bisexuals, and how they  oppose violence and hate speech against these groups but they ignore the public execution of gays in Iran by hanging from construction cranes or being thrown off roof tops in other Islamist countries for being gay and if they survive the fall, no worries, there is always a crowd waiting to finish the job by stoning.
These psychotic and delusional third wave feminists ignore female genital mutilation of young girls, the stoning, flogging and beating of women as well as their enslavement to men, as well as honor killings and acid being thrown in the face of women throughout the Muslim world and Sub-Sahara Africa.
People like Australian Clementine Ford are delusional and are pathological liars who have openly called for violence against their opponents.
The Western citizens of Western societies are tired of this shit, they are voting for right wing candidates because the far political left has collective erectile dysfunction.
I do not like or support the far right like Richard Spencer, but they are gaining influence because of the political left.
Donald Trump is President of The United States thanks to people like Clementine Ford.

Friday, April 7, 2017

A Poem by Gary G Pelow, On The Move

He struck me hard in the arm with a broom handle and left a bruise, a room mate I did not really know well.
I lived in that rooming house for three fucking years, the landlord said he would put five people into that rooming house if he could arrange it, find the right tenants.
He never really seemed to be able to find the "right tenants", after 2 or 3 months he often evicted most of his tenants.
It was like a fucking revolving door, people, tenants, of all shapes, sizes, races, religions, cultures, and nationalities came and went for three fucking years.
The landlord was a good guy, he kept the rooming house in good repair and enforced common sense rules for the tenants, hence the constant evictions and the revolving door.
I was was the only tenant there that stayed for an extended period without being evicted for the three years I was there as a tenant.
My room mates came and went, or more accurately, they came and then were evicted for all kinds of violations.
Drug use, drunkenness, unreasonably loud noises, yelling and screaming, and all around general chaos.
Of course some tenants had to leave simply over money, or the lack of it, to pay the rent.
Some of the tenants moved in while on "welfare" and for whatever reasons had their "welfare"  or "public assistance" cases closed by the local department of social services.
No money, no place to live.
I have been fortunate, even as a mentally ill person, in terms of financing, that is having enough money to at least pay the rent, buy food, pay for my psychiatric care and medical care and money for the bus.
I was on a form of Social Security program that was for the disabled that was need based, not on employment history and paying taxes into the Social Security system in the United States.
It was much less money for rent, food, medical and psychiatric care and transportation, I was never homeless, but it was a tight budget that I did manage well most of the time.
Then my father died.  Within five days of his death The United States Social Security Administration sent me a letter saying I was from that point forward to receive Social Security Survivor Benefits based on my father's work history and based on the fact I was considered disabled by mental illness before the age of 22.
So I had more money per month and a less strict budget but still a fixed income.
So, I was living in this rooming house for three fucking years and I put up with all kinds of bullshit because I needed the landlord as a reference to find my own apartment.
I saved up $1,200 and one early morning I got up to go the the bathroom and was promptly attacked by one of my most recent room mates with a broom handle, the fucking pigs did not arrest him and I never got to press charges against this fucking idiot who apparently went off his psychiatric meds and started using heroine.
I had had enough, my psychosis and fear and anxiety were rising, I was never really safe at that rooming house, so I bolted.
I am now living in less fear and with more privacy.

Monday, March 13, 2017

DESIDERATA - You Are A Child Of The Universe - original version

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Mud is thicker than blood.

I had a very good thing going for two years I was with her, she was smart, calm and rational, she was never hysterical.
That was more important to me than her looks or appearance, this is a woman with 7 adult children and a crack smoking ex-husband.
I was living in a small town, I met Sue on the internet, she lived in another city about 150 miles from me with a much larger population than the town that I lived in.
We talked for 6 months on the phone, facebook and using texting and emails to each other.
She actually took the trouble to finally come meet me, she drove that 150 miles to me in her truck, I did not have, and still do not have a car, and never will.
I was sitting on the picnic table sitting next to my apartment building when she drove into the parking lot.
Within ten minutes of meeting her I felt that this was a person I can trust, someone who will not betray me, and that trust was important, I am a paranoid schizophrenic, I trust no one.
So we were together for two years, I would take a Greyhound bus to see her and other times she drove to see me.
After two years though things started turning surreal, abnormal in our relationship, she seemed to start asking me questions that sounded like she was suspicious of me, wary of me.
It was not a situation that she asked me these strange questions because she thought I was cheating on her, no it was actually nothing as banal as that.
She started to question me about exactly where I was both at the immediate moment and current day in terms of my location as well as asking where I was on some other exact day and time.
I did not catch it at first, I did not pickup about what was happening.
But, I learned quite a lot as my sister was planning a family reunion.
She chose a really fucking hot day in July for this shindig, it was almost 100 degrees outside in the shade.
I had been planning to go to this reunion for a very long time, I have ten brothers and sisters and their families I had not seen in years or in some cases I never met
It was hot, I was feeling horrible, I do not do heat well.
I did not go to the reunion.
I told Sue that I did go to the reunion, she and some of my friends believed it was an obligation to go on my part, I had chosen not to see my family or talk to them in over ten years.
My oldest sister committed suicide, I did not find out about it until six years later.
So Sue and my friends believed it would be grossly immoral not to go to the reunion, after all they are my "kin" as Sue put it.
But that is not how I viewed the situation, I was molested and tortured for years in the basement  of my fathers house duct taped to a drain pipe by the son of my fathers girlfriend who had moved in with my family.
My brother Larry was 6 or 7 years older than me, he not only knew about the abuse, but also watched, he did nothing.
My mother was a mentally ill woman in the severest sense and died from booze, I was eight when she died, I was mentally ill myself early on, my behavior grew more bizarre as I approached the teen years.
My family did nothing.
So, as far as I am concerned, my "kin" were completely evil to me, they still are, the word "family" or the word "kin" is meaningless, it said nothing, it conveyed nothing.
Anyways I found out why Sue was asking me questions about what I was doing and where I was doing it.
She had been talking behind my back with my brother Tom and his wife, my sister-in-law.
They told her I lied about the reunion, which is right, I did lie about going to the reunion.
They also said that she, Sue, should leave me, that I was violently mentally ill and dangerous.
I have no record of violence or arrests for violent crimes, or any kind of crime.
My brother betraying me like that, telling obvious lies about me to Sue.
Sue admitted talking to my brother and his wife for several months without my knowledge.
She did not actually believe these lies that I was violent, but she also betrayed me simply by listening to their lies for months.
My family of blood was slinging mud at me and at Sue about me.
Apparently my family sees nothing special in the words like "kin", or "family"
So why the fuck should I.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, You speak for me?

They are all over the internet, right wing, left wing, it does not matter which, these extremists claim to speak for others that did not ask to have anyone speak for them.
The fucking intersectional, feminist, Cultural Marxist, Black Lives Matter terrorists, social justice warriors left wing crowd claim to speak for others.
They claim they speak for the gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual population because they are too weak to speak for themselves, which of course is not true.
There is an awful arrogance there on the far left, speaking for people without their permission as if they were retarded children who need protection whether they like it or not.
The regressive left also claims to speak for people of color, again without actually consulting with people of color on what they actually want, if anything, from the far left.
The feminist third wave, intersectional, Antifa, black block, anarchist, left wing racists/fascists (irony) say they speak for the disabled.
I am disabled, Schizophrenia you know, I did not ask for these left wing fascists to speak for me.
I have someone speaking for me without my permission because I am "oppressed"  and helpless?
That is fucking news to me, I did not get that memo, the fucking arrogance.
But let us not blame the left alone, that would be unfair and a denial of the reality of the far right and their brand of arrogance.
I am white. Apparently I need white nationalists who do not know me to speak for me as a white person, again as if I was a fucking retard with the I.Q. of a gold fish.
Apparently these white nationalists want to set aside a whole separate country for white people, gee isn't that nice, I get to move to a white nationalist dictatorship, because that is what it would be, a dictatorship, nationalism when extreme leads to dictatorship.
So in order for these white nationalists to represent me and protect me in a new white country, I lose all personal freedoms, I have no more rights, again as if I am a retard.
Black nationalists would do the same fucking thing, speak for others without permission or consulting those they are supposedly trying to protect and speak for.
They want a new separate black nation to protect blacks from the evil whites that ends in dictatorship with the irony being in such a black nation the rights of blacks would be stripped away by blacks.
There are a lot of people from all points on the political, religious, racial, social map running in all directions with the hysteria that apparently is needed to speak for others whether they like it or not.
Fuck you, I would rather live in a bleak, confusing multicultural United States under the protection of an imperfect, not always just nation and The U.S. Constitution.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Threads.

You know how when you get on an online forum or chat room that is designed to speak about a topic that is general and non-specific, the topic is broken down to more specifics of the subject by different groups talking or debating those specifics, each specific topic of discussion is called a "thread"?
A "thread" is a train of thought, a path and direction for the discussion at hand, an organizing tool for the discussion.
I think my mind keeps losing its "threads", my mind is always racing from topic to topic, from concern to concern, from problem to problem.
I get stuck in an ever escalating speed of thought, I spend 60 seconds worrying about one thing, I lose my train of thought, my "thread", and forget what I was thinking about just 60 seconds ago and my brain jumps to something else to worry about.
I feel like my memory is weak and damaged, that there is something seriously wrong with my mind or brain.
It simply is not normal to be thinking about what at least feels like an important subject than have it vanish in 60 seconds.
Then I end up having my mind drift quickly to another problem meanwhile still trying to remember the one problem I was thinking about before that.
This causes me a great deal of anxiety, if I think I have lost my "thread", the subject I was thinking about, and then forget it, it bothers the shit out of me because it feels like I have lost my memory about an earth shattering subject, something crucial, something of life and death.
I have been losing a lot of "threads" lately, my mind recalls an idea to ponder that feels important but an idea that quickly evaporates in a few seconds, leaving me afraid.
The ideas, the "threads", everyone of them feels urgent and important but those "threads" soon go down the rabbit hole of amnesia.
This leaves me there very disconcerted and bothered, to have constant memory loss at the age of 51 brings to me the idea of Alzheimer's disease.
It would not be impossible, I am getting older, Alzheimer's can creep in , even early at the age of 51.
I do not want to deteriorate that way, losing my mind not to psychosis or insanity but to the loss of forgetting everyone I care about, every friend, every relative.
It would be like they never existed, or that I ever existed.
Memories of our lives and selves help define who we think we are as individuals, without those memories we no longer exist.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Body, Mind and Soul

What is the mind? It seems to be directed and controlled by our actual physical brains.
If a person is in a coma from brain injury they can not be aware of themselves or their surroundings.
The mind seems to go in the direction the brain tells it to, being in a coma seems to mean both the incapacitation of the brain and mind.
This makes people very upset, if the brain is the mind, then the mind is finite, it is physical, it is capable of dying, it is capable of non existence.
This bothers people who are religious, who are spiritual and those that believe in any God or gods or supernatural eternal life after death.
If the mind is the brain, and I think it is, then there is no continuation of the mind outside of the physical body after death, therefore their is no ongoing consciousness, no soul or spirit after death, no continuing incorporeal self after death.
This terrifies religious people and theists, it is clearly true there is no mind, soul or spirit after death.
And this fact completely makes the concept of any God or gods existing and loving us personally totally irrational.
But, believing in God or the gods is always irrational, there is no evidence for such nonsense, no physical proof of God, gods, spirits, souls, or eternal life.
These things are fantasies that adults use to try to comfort a child when a relative or friend dies, which is understandable, maybe for young children the concept of God, even if is not real, is needed when death occurs and has to be explained to a five year old.
But you and I are not five year old children, we are men and women, we do not believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny anymore, those fantasies have outlived there usefulness in adult hood, they are not needed.
When an adult clings to an absurd fantasy like believing in God or the gods, it is simply a childish way for an adult afraid oblivion and nonexistence after death, they are afraid of reality, so they construct fantasy to hide reality.
They are wasting their lives hoping for a next life with God or gods that do not exist.
Rather than living fully and joyfully in this life, they become paralyzed by fear of getting to a non existent after life.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow Vermin

When there is disorganization of the mind in the state of psychosis, ones outer world becomes more dangerous.
With disorganization of this sort the result is to not keep ones residence clean and hygienic .
It also results with the end of personal hygiene, not bathing, shaving, brushing ones teeth, using deodorant.
A person in this kind of state of chaos will let filth of all kinds grow in their residence, letting it  accumulate.
And then they show up, ever so slowly, gradually. The mice, the rats, the roaches, the ants, and all manner of parasitic infection like scabies, the mite of which burrows into your skin and then lays eggs.
The mice, the rats, the roaches they all bring disease, infection and parasites.
I have had the experience of scabies, it is a hellish torture of constant itching and rashes all over the body.
To get rid of the scabies one must literally put poisonous pesticide all over your body except the scalp and bottom of the feet.
I also ended up in a situation of filth where my rented room became infested, by the thousands, with bed bugs.
They were biting me so often and leaving so many sores I thought it was scabies again.
But, no it was bed bugs, an infestation so bad that nothing in my room could be cleaned or completely rid of bed bugs.
I had to throw out everything, the bed, the chairs, the cushions
I see my acquaintances walk around with insect bites all their skin, completely oblivious to it, or they just got ignore the sores and pain and see it as normal for them.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, I Atheist

I am an atheist.  This seems to trouble some people.  I tell Christians or Muslims or Jews that I am an atheist.
The different reactions are very interesting. If I tell some Christian person that I am an atheist they may say they do not believe I an atheist, they will accuse me of hating or rejecting God , that I know God is real and I am just angry at God.  Some Christians will respond to my saying I am an atheist that they feel sorry for me because I am separated from God and that they will pray for me.  I respond do as you like, I have no control over you to stop you from doing anything, including praying. But be aware that your prayers are directed to something or someone that does not exist, your imaginary friend in the sky does not exist.  If I tell a Jew that I am an atheist the reactions seem to be more varied and more positive.  There are many secular Jews that may say that my being an atheist is perfectly rational.  Orthodox Jews, if I tell them that I am an atheist they usually do not respond by trying to prosthelytize me to Judaism, they just politely say I am wrong to be an atheist, they will insist politely their God does exist, with out anger or hostility.  Conservative and reformed Jews tended not to give a shit that I am an atheist when I tell them that I am an atheist.  If I tell a Muslim that I am an atheist and I believe God, or Allah, does not exist, they may react angrily because they believe with out a shadow of a doubt that Allah is real and I am on my way to hell, Jahannam.  Or they, Muslims, may react more calmly or politely when I tell them I am an atheist but still go into a sermon about Allah and how I am rejecting him and his Prophet Mohammad.  Many Muslims are deeply entrenched into their faith, even to the point of fanaticism. They will start screaming that I am Kuffar, an unbeliever, an enemy of Islam, hurling insults and threats at me.  Other people I have told I am an atheist includes Mormons, Jehovah Witnesses, and Roman Catholics.  Catholics I tell that I an atheist often react with indifference, the "fact" that I am separated from the one true Christian Church, Roman Catholicism, means I am going to hell, but that is not their problem, it is my problem they say.  When I tell Jehovah Witnesses or Mormons I am an atheist they will go straight into a vehement but polite sermon on why their churches are the one true Christian Church. They immediately start trying to convert me, but in a very odd politely way.  Of course my telling some people of any religion that I am atheist results in me being accused of being a Satanist, a Satan worshiper, A Luciferian. That is ironic because by definition an atheist does not believe Satan is a real actual being, No God, than no Satan.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Sea of Pain

I was at emergency last night, the hospital, it is a place of pain and confusion.
I look around the room and there are fifty to sixty people waiting to be seen.
It is extremely noisy and confusing, seeing all of these people in pain, a sea of pain.
Of course I was there for myself, my nausea and vomiting, yet I am not heartless.
It is distressing to see so many people sick or in pain, they languish in their chairs, waiting.
The doctors and nurses deserve credit for working in a hell hole like an emergency room.
They take a lot of shit from a lot of angry people, the nurses and doctors deserve better treatment and respect.
There was one angry black woman and her very large boyfriend who had already gone through triage.
They refused to move out of the triage area after already being seen and evaluated.
The nurses kept telling them they had already been through triage and had to move, they refused to do so, holding up the triage patient line for one half hour, there were many people in line behind them.
The nurses had no choice, they called security, who showed up in very large numbers.
There were at least seven security officers who had responded, they had to confront this woman in a wheel chair who was cursing every other word, she said she was not moving, refusing to wait like the rest of us in that sea of pain.
Security told the woman's very large boyfriend they had to leave the hospital property, either voluntarily or by force.  They chose to leave, the woman in the wheel chair left in anger and in pain and not being treated, that is the price of arrogance, thinking you deserve special treatment and ironically getting nothing, leaving empty handed.
There were many angry people there, the woman in the wheel chair was just more obvious about it.
Many people simply left out of anger because the wait in the room was anywhere from two to seven hours.
So they left untreated, taking a gamble with their own lives by not finding out what is making them sick or in pain.
I hate the sea of pain. I hate to see others suffer. There actually is a sea of pain for all of us all the time.
The Emergency Department of a hospital is just a concentrated microcosm of the sea of pain that is everywhere.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, SHILL

Shills? What does that mean? Shills. If you listen to NeoNazis and white or even black nationalists a SHILL is an agent of the Jews of the world pretending to be opposed to Zionism and Jews in general. In their, the Jews, efforts to run large parts of society or even the world, these SHILLS are secret supporters of such Jews and Zionism. Shills are those who are trying to spread disinformation about Jews and Zionism pretending to oppose The Jews and Zionism while actually supporting them.
So, a SHILL IS A CON ARTIST, a spreader of false ideas and propaganda with specific goals in mind to be achieved
Well fuck, by that definition, every group has SHILLS, also apologists, a similar concept to a SHILL.
I was raised Roman Catholic with nine older brothers and sisters.  Roman Catholic shills include protestant extremists who try to paint Roman Catholicism as Satanic and unchristian but are, in secret, working to garner sympathy for Catholics.
The massive Islamic world of 1.6 billion Muslims have shills in the west, such as regressive leftists, cultural Marxists, third wave feminists, communists, social justice warriors and the violent left wing anarchist fascists of Antifa. Publicly these groups are saying they oppose racism, homophobia, misogyny, ableism, the "patriarchy' in the west and fascism.
Yet these left wing groups of anarchist fascists are supporting the growing threat of Islamic fascism, murder, terrorism, war and bombings and torture by labeling all opponents of Islam as racist, Islam is not a race, or Islamaphobic, a made up word that appears in no dictionary.
Whites have shills, self hating whites who wallow in white guilt with the intention of creating racial conflict between whites and blacks.
Black Lives Matter is a shrill terrorist organization saying they are opposed to police brutality and murder of blacks by cops when in fact BLM is a shill group fomenting racial war for white supremacists like George Sorros who has funded BLM to the tune of over thirty million dollars. George Sorros has no vested interest in seeing any black lives being saved under any conditions, he could care less, he just cares about his own weird personal agenda, as bizarre and as confusing that may appear to be.
A very famous Catholic shill, that is con artist, was Mother Theresa of Calcutta, a supposedly charitable and saintly women devoted to the Church and social justice. Actually her only agenda was to push the Catholic line of no birth control or abortion in the third world.  The real agenda of this "mother" of Calcutta was to commit genocide to kill third world over populations with full knowledge and support of the Vatican.  The goal? Kill as many none whites as possible  in the third world dressed up nice and pretty as charity.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Women's March: The ugly face of hate

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Unhinged

I share a house with three other men, there are four of us in total in this chaotic house.
My own paranoia and symptoms of Schizophrenia and psychosis comes and goes, it fluctuates wildly.
I have been in many horrific places that I was living at, for example, a flea bag hotel called the Cadillac Hotel.
A place occupied by hookers, drug addicts, drug users, thieves and the severely mentally ill who are not in treatment
This shit hole was also infested with bed bugs, mice, scabies mites and cockroaches. That place is filled with disease, of both body and mind.
It is hard to deal with reality when the people I am living with are becoming less connected to reality themselves.
I am a constant nervous wreck, I am always in a state of alarm and panic over my own physical safety.
My stomach is constantly turning with nausea and acid that often results in severe intractable vomiting.
I suppose I should just be grateful that I have a place to live in the middle of the cold of January, and I am grateful.
I am crashing and struggling to get through each day, I move forward blindly through the chaos not knowing where I will end up.
Me and one of my roommates a couple of mornings ago, very early, around five AM, got into an argument that escalated very quickly from yelling and screaming to violence where I shoved him back as he rushed me to defend myself and he fell over a kitchen chair, then he got up, grabbed a broom and started hitting me with the handle, he left visible bruises on my forearms as I tried to block the broom handle as I was being attacked with it.
I called the police, they came, they asked some questions, and left without arresting my assailant even though I told them directly I wanted to press charges and they, the police, replied to me: "be a fucking man!".
My world is becoming more and more unhinged, like a train speeding off its tracks.
I am both possessed by and surrounded by psychosis, my own and that of my roommates.
I am tired of living in fear and tired of the police ignoring the constant danger I live in.
The police of this cold city were worse than useless when they came over to the house, I expected justice and protection of my rights and bodily safety from the police and instead received insults and derision from them, the police.
I have never trusted these pigs in law, they have failed me at every turn, they may not have caused violence against me, but they did stand there passively letting it happen.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Unsafe

I live in a world of the constant threat of violence, I share a house with three other roommates.
On January 22 and 23, 2017 I was attacked on two different occasions by my roommate with a broom handle, this left visible bruises on my arms and body.
So I called the police and they refused to arrest the person who assaulted me, putting me in constant danger because I still live with the mentally unstable person who attacked  me.
I feel confused, I do not know what to do, I am angry, justice has not been delivered to me by the police.
I never really trusted the police in my city, they seem to arrest people at random regardless of crimes committed or not.
These are powerful people, the police, they have guns and the legal power to use them, it is frightening to complain to the police department, I am afraid of reprisal from the men and women who have guns.
When the police came on both occasions the police not only refused to make an arrest but told me to, in their words:" Be a fucking man.", whatever the hell that is suppose to mean. Am I being a man by living in fear of violence  at all hours of day and night with zero help from the police?
I am struggling with my paranoia and psychosis, but it is not easy when I live with a mentally unstable person.
The police are of no use to me, they are worse than no police existing at all, they are dangerous and fucking incompetent.
The snow is falling outside and I am cold and afraid, shivering in both the cold and fear for my safety.
The ironic thing is that local jails and state prisons are the new asylums, dumping grounds for the mentally ill.
The police have militarized them selves, they have tanks, automatic weapons, they wear masks to conceal their faces, evidence enough that fascism is creeping into The United States of America ever so slowly.
So, there you have it, incompetent and brutal police oppression or a fucking police state.

Monday, January 23, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Mental Illness And Violence.

To have a mental illness often leads you vulnerable to violence and physical attack.
The mentally ill are more likely to be the victims of violence rather than the cause of it.
Today, I was trying to perform the simple and benign task of fixing the downstairs toilet, the flush chain was broken.
It was early in the morning and my bedroom is on the first floor next to the downstairs bathroom, I turned on the lights in the kitchen and bathroom after I noticed the toilet was not working.
I needed the lights on to see what I was doing in order to fix the toilet.
One of my roommates was sleeping down stairs on the couch which he is not suppose to do.
The next thing I notice was my roommate barreling out of the living room screaming and yelling at me that the lights and noise woke him up.
He was screaming and yelling at me and as he cornered me in the enclosed space of the small downstairs bathroom, he kept threatening me and moved closer to me in the bathroom continuing  to threatening me, so I pushed back on him.
He fell backwards and  over one of the kitchen chairs, then he got up, grabbed the broom that was in the kitchen and started hitting me with it and I could not get him to stop, I had to go to my bedroom to get out of his way.
From my bedroom I called the police and told them what happened and then my roommate came downstairs to tell the police his version of the story, which was  lies.
I called the landlord and he came over around  11:00 AM, he told my roommates he was wrong for sleeping in the living room.
I was not and I am not satisfied with this outcome so I called the police again to ask why I was not allowed to press charges when the police were here earlier.
The officer that came over that morning was off duty after 7 AM and he said he would call me when he was back on shift around midnight.
We will see what happens, I will stand up for my rights, I will not live in fear in my own home, especially just because I am mentally ill.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Blacks, Whites, Humanity, The Universe, God And Insects

CNN Displays Their Disgusting Racism on Live TV!

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Insidious

There is an evil that dwells here, right next door to me, a being filled with malicious intent to harm me.
He hides behind a mask of mental confusion and physical disability to hide his evil, vindictive ways.
He makes violent attempts to harm me and denies doing so, he says he had nothing to do with it, he is an innocent, disabled old man.
Just last night this worthless piece of shit shoved banana peels and a bed pan full of shit down the toilet on purpose.
The landlord had to come over to disconnect the toilet from the floor in a watery mess to retrieve the garbage shoved into the toilet.
Of course my lying fucking piece of shit of a roommate said he had nothing to do with the toilet being jammed, he did it out of vindictiveness.
He is a bitter dying old man, his life is closing in on death and he is losing his sanity to paranoia as death approaches.
I once had sympathy for him this evil, lying entity but sympathy and empathy only go so far with this man child, this worthless piece of human feces.
I am seeking to move to my own place, my own private apartment that is quiet and solitary and away from madness.
I must look out for my own health, I must look out for my own mental health, there is no longer any empathy or pity from me for this animal who luckily for the world has diabetes and his is dying, that would be no loss to the world, to see this decrepit loser die.
I am tired and lethargic, I am sick to my stomach, my guts are turning inside of me from disgust at this piece of work.
I need to escape this insane asylum of shit lords and liars who are adults acting like evil little children.
It is to noisy here, to many people in and out of here, there is no peace or quiet, just psychotic evil behavior.
I am trying to win this battle against this persistent evil, but I am tired, I aim drained.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Every Man/Woman Rapes The Earth

This world is shrinking and its inhabitants are growing in number, the world is under growing burden.
For 150 years this problem has been unfolding, medicine, technology and machines have us living longer and longer lives.
People of every shade and color are growing in number, the weight of seven billion lives is crushing the Earth to death.
We are tearing up the Amazon rain forests for farming and killing unknown species into extinction.
I do not consider myself to be an environmentalist, but I do not have to be to notice the destruction of Earth.
I see the selfish acts of grinding away at the surface of our world and digging into it just so the lights stay on.
You can give electricity, just do not tell me where it is coming from, I do not need the immoral details.
You can give me beef steaks, ground beef, pork chops and bacon, you can give me chicken and turkey.
I will eat it with enthusiasm, just do not give me the details, the meat will curb my hunger and I need not know of the ethics of its source.
I will run up and down the streets screaming about the dangers and immorality of nuclear power and coal, but I do not protest these two things when they power my computer, I do not need to know the details, nor do I need the details of my own hypocrisy revealed to me.
I sit in my bedroom with its king size bed and oversized dresser and desk and mirrors, and I feel heat coming from the basement when it is 10 degrees outside.
I want this heat, it is deadly cold outside, just do not give me the details of what you do to get the heat and then sell it to me.
The Chinese government and the foreign businesses that work there have the benefit of slave labor making my shoes and shirts, but I do not worry about, I have my shoes and shirts.
Beijing has crushing, blinding pollution thick and visible in the air from burning coal, burning it unregulated.
Like me the Chinese are making demands for jobs, cars, electricity, food, computers and the internet and many Chinese want and get these things, but most do not want know how they are gotten.
There is brutality in China to animals, unspeakable evil is done to these animals.
Dogs are dragged into Chinese leather producers and they are bludgeoned to death with a club, often they do not die so are skinned alive.
The skin is used to make your leather gloves, coat and purse.
I doubt you want the details, after all, it is happening in China, let the government there stop it, they are in charge there not me.
The Earth is shrinking and being raped because we all want something that is produced by that rape.

Monday, January 9, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, In The Dark.

I am in an ink well of utter blackness, the light does not reach me hear, I see no one in this dark.
The Sun is down early this time of year, it is dark and cold hear, I am nauseated and very tired.
I have no energy, I am listless. My stomach is churning with acid and nausea, I suffer alone.
I am in my bed most of the day and night, I feel exhausted for no reason, fuck everything, I am tired.
The schedule is not being kept, I am letting things fall to the wayside, nothing seems worth doing.
My head is spinning like vertigo, I feel unbalanced, ready to fall down the stairs, tripping and falling in the dark, the ink well.
I have no companions to share neither joy or suffering, I am in a dark, empty corner, no one notices.
I am distended in my gut, I feel bloated and heavy, something in my gut is pushing out to escape.
The pain of my gut comes and goes, it goes up and down with no predictability, I feel like a monster is in me, tearing me apart.
In the dark I am suffering, I feel no hope, all this blackness seems to be never to end, like I was in a massive celestial black whole.
Can you imagine living in a dark, dead  star where time and space disappear? I am in that dead, ancient star.
I am fifty one years old but I feel like I never left my teen years, in the dead star time is frozen, the past is always the present, the present is the future, time goes neither forward nor behind, I am frozen in a time of past teen anguish and horror, a time of violence never ending.
I remember so vividly the violence done against me in those high school years.
I remember being pounded by fists, over and over, I am laying in the grass being pounded over and over again.
Jesus fucking Christ why am I frozen here in the past as present in this black whole, this dead star without time.
I am shaking in fear, loneliness, anger, depression and nausea, I am sick to the very core of my gut.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Overwhelmed.

I am in a state of shock, I have no idea what to do or how to react.
A video has gone viral on the internet, it shows four black people torturing, beating and cutting a disabled white man that they kidnapped because he is white and supposedly a Donald Trump supporter. As they tortured him they hurled racist insults at the victim.
I wonder where we are headed as a nation, as a country of many different races, colors, religions, sexual orientations and political beliefs.
It seems to me we are quickly sliding into chaos, racial tensions are no longer just about riots.
Racism today means terrorism.  When four people kidnap and torture someone in a half hour long video that is terrorism.
This video reminds me of Muslim terrorists like ISIS kidnapping people and beheading them on camera or setting them on fire with gasoline.
Is this what we have become? Do we now solve our problems in America through kidnapping and torture?
Do we live in Syria? Do we live in Iraq? Do we live in Afghanistan? Do we live in Iran or Saudi Arabia?
Jesus fucking Christ this is America, never perfect or always just, but still  fucking  America.
We should not be sliding into becoming a third world country that  can only seem to solve their problems with violence and civil war.
I live in a mainly black American neighborhood, I do not experience these things everyday, black or white, most people are not violent psychopaths.
America needs to do better than this, this is not us, it can never be us that acts with savagery.
Terrorist organizations like Black Lives Matter are culpable in this, police officers have been assassinated because of the atmosphere BLM has created.
Who is funding these people? How can they operate without money? They can not, they are being bank rolled by someone.
The name Soros comes to my mind, a billionaire who has funded  BLM to the tune of 300 million dollars.
There are people out there somewhere, here at home, that wants America to fail.
The four people doing the torture were stupid enough to film there own crimes in real time on facebook.
Americans, all Americans must not let America fail.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Drifting

I have been drifting, as a child  I was Roman Catholic, and believe me when you are eight years old and watch the Exorcist, it scares the shit out of you.
As I headed toward my middle teens I began to see holes in Roman Catholic doctrine, there were inconsistencies.
I still very much wanted to believe in some kind of God, but I did not know his or her name, these specifics eluded me.
After my Catholic confirmation ceremony I was involved in a ritual that was meaningless to me, I was no longer Catholic.
My father who had been strict about me attending church and The Mass every Sunday never went to church or The Mass
I was sixteen, my confirmation was done, I had fulfilled my obligations to church and father.
My father no longer insisted I go to church and the Mass, Catholicism was over and dead to me,
I drifted into Satanism as a rebellion against everyone and everything, I was not serious about it, I was just trying to shock and piss people off.
Then I drifted into Pentecostalism, this was a weird choice on my part, but they gave out free food and so I pretended to be one of them. I was not.
Pentecostalism is a nightmare of existence, people were shouting, dancing, and speaking in fake tongues and blamed everything on Satan, eventually even free food could no long glue me to these mentally ill people.
I was in Brockport when I started attending a fairly tame version of being a Baptist, I only went there for something to do with George my neighbor down he hall.
I increasingly became more aware that every religion I joined or participated in, the religions I kept drifting in and out of were meaningless fairy tales of Bronze age goat fuckers like Paul. Jesus, Peter, Moses and Muhhamad.
Then I was presented to You Tube, I drifted toward videos of Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris and Christopher Hitchens, I was bowled over by their logic and reason, they taught me to shed religious superstition of imaginary friends  in the sky.
I am an atheist, I see no evidence for gods or anything supernatural. I have stopped drifting.