Sunday, October 30, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Living in Fear

Do you know what it is like to be terrified all of the time from things and people and demons that do not exist?
The demons screech in my head, yelling threats and vulgarity at me, I am trembling in fear.
The black phantoms fly high in the air to show me pure evil and blackness, they show everything that is an empty abyss.
I wander into the tunnels in the bowels of the Earth and I am pursued by monsters in my dreams.
My mind is collapsing, my reason and logic are failing me, I am swimming in an ocean of chaos and mortal fear.
I pace for hours on end, back and forth in a space no larger than 3 feet long, I pace to the point of exhaustion.
They are outside as I pace in fear, they are spying on me and planning to pursue and kill me.
I have no hope of escape, no matter where I run to the demons pursue me, I am never safe from danger.
I wander like a gypsy looking for a safe haven, a place where I would be protected from evil beasts and I find only more screaming voices and demons.
I feel like my enemies are no more than a few yards away, plotting against me, they are close but invisible.
Everywhere I go I see men on the corner or across the street following me to intimidate me, to drive me to suicide and violence.
It is getting darker and darker in my soul, mind and brain. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
God also has a lot to say in my head, He threatens me with hell fire and damnation, this God is no better than the demons he created.
Such a God is unworthy of love or attention from those he created, he is to evil for that.
I have been living in an ocean of evil for fifty one years,  My father ignored my demons in my head.
I grew more unbalanced with every passing year of my childhood and puberty.
No one sought me to get help, a father and nine brothers and sisters that were useless to me.
Now I am an adult living with psychotic demons all the time, so fuck you my kin, and fuck you God.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Fire

The fire is burning in the political landscape of the USA, accusations are flying.
Trump has been called a racist and mocker of the disabled, Hillary has been called a crook, thief and liar.
There are republicans that are siding with and voting for Clinton, never Trump they call out.
These republicans believe it is better to throw the party under the bus because of he who was a joke has arisen and no one is laughing anymore.
I feel a need to do what is right, I am not an alarmist, I must vote my conscience.
I see the West falling fast into an abysmal collapse at the hands of Muslim migrants in Europe.
The West in Europe is having epileptic fits accompanied by rape, child molestation and sexual assault.
There is violence and ongoing terrorism taking place through out Europe, some migrants have been bold enough to tell the truth about his own intentions, to colonize Europe and make it an Islamic continent.
This nightmare has been created by the likes of German Chancellor Merkel, who has abandoned all reason and has taken flight into a psychotic fantasy world of multiculturalism.
The European Union is seeking its own genocide through mass immigration from Muslim countries.
I see why Great Britain has voted to leave the EU, it is a madhouse of violence and rape made legal.
Perhaps there is hope for Great Britain to not be over run by Muslims who seek to kill, rape and dominate the West.
The fire in Europe that is burning and destroying free speech, civility and reason can come to the USA, we are not immune to the convulsions ripping apart the West.
I must vote for the fire that is burning in the USA and is on my side and yours if you love freedom and hate fascism in the form of Islam.
I am voting Trump, he is basically honest about his past and rightly says Hillary Clinton should be in jail.
Clinton will flood the USA with terrorists, rapists, and suicidal bombers who hate the West through her proposed immigration policies, she is a traitor and a criminal.
The West and its glorious civilization are at risk, we need leaders like Donald Trump.
We need people who see the truth even if they do not speak eloquently, they still speak the truth.
I would rather hear a lot of honest bluster than dishonest eloquence.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow , The Woods

I remember my time in the Adirondac mountains in upstate New York, The sky was alive with the stars visible in the darkness that was like black ink.
We canoed in the day time over the crystal lakes, we ate mighty mush and pepperoni, these things lasted without any refrigerator.
The nights were dark on the ground but the lack of city light revealed the universe to us in the sky.
We slept without tents,we were really trying to rough it, this was camping without a motorized camper, no we did the real thing, not the fake camping where you have a kitchen in what you are camping in.
We were a group of mentally ill and nervous people, this trip was not easy, we did have a professional guide
but they did not have an experience of leading the mentally ill through the dark mountains and in the day time mountains as well.
At night the natural noises of animals and crickets was like a lullaby to soothe our tormented minds.
We had to make this trip into the woods to show ourselves there was more to life than just depression, anxiety, fear and psychosis.
We learned that there was a completely new reality that was not limited to hearing voices and seeing things that were not really there.
The mountains were a powerful antidote to hallucinations, depression, anxiety and psychosis.
We were free in the hills to look up at the Milky Way at night that was a soothing force of nature.
The physical exercise was a strong distraction from our symptoms, we were mentally ill but just for a while were free.
We climbed or rather hiked up the side of Mt. St. Regis.
When we got to the top of this hill, we could see in all directions the lovely scenery of the natural world all around us.
The top pf the mountain was clear of any trees that allowed this view of nature.
In the woods we were free.

Monday, October 10, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Starvation

There is the pain of hunger that permeates the under belly of society, it goes unchecked.
There is hunger in a world of abundance, there is a dirty little secret of poverty in our midst.
I see my room mate losing weight and going hungry as other people more fortunate like myself are fed.
There are a myriad number of reasons this hunger exists in a land of the filthy rich.
Some people have mental problems or other medical issues that keep them from work.
My own emotional problems run deep and strong yet I have more than many other people.
My father was a navy man that worked for more than 40 years after World War 2.
He built up a bit of personal wealth and Social Security Income for his retirement, and then he died.
He left behind 9 adult children living and one dead by suicide, his work was hard and he never failed us.
When I started having severe psychiatric problems I was 18 years old and have been in and out of many mental hospitals over the years.
There were benefits I received from my father's work history after he died from Social Security.
I have often faced hunger myself over the past thirty years, I have seen the bottom of the barrel of life.
Yet I am more fortunate than most, I have enough money to eat and live in relative comfort.
I see people struggling to have enough to eat or clothes to wear in the winter, hunger bites harder in the cold.
It is early October, the air is getting chillier, the days shorter and darker.
I eat at some of the local churches more for company than any actual need for food.
I do though see the desperate hunger in people at these churches, I have seen 200 pound men and women drop in weight to as low as a hundred pounds.
It is sickening to see such suffering in this country where the supermarkets are packed with food, and only some benefit from that stored up wealth in food.
It is cold today, and it feels colder when you are hungry and your stomach burns and your flesh is reduced by hunger.
I have lived on the edge and fringes of society myself and I have been cold, hungry and on the streets.
There is the ironic tragedy of hunger, most hungry people are not homeless, they have a place to live and not enough food.
This is disgusting to me and it is the reason I am an atheist, any god who might exist that allows this suffering is unworthy of praise or worship, instead such a god deserves rejection by those he supposedly created, fuck him, he has, if he exists, fucked us.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow Buddha

The Buddha is not a god, he did not claim to be a god or son of a god.
The Buddha is a guide through life, but you are your own master, you bare the responsibility for your own life.
He, the Buddha, is to guide you through life to help you reduce suffering, however you must first admit  you are the cause of your own suffering, as well as the suffering of others.
You are not responsible for the pain of the entire world, but you must see you add suffering to this reality.
The Buddha went to extremes to find peace, torturing himself and starving himself, almost to he point of death.
The more pain he felt however, he grew further and further from inner peace and enlightenment.
Extreme pain, he found does, does not give any insights into reality or its true nature, nor did it bring understanding or compassion for others or for oneself,
That is the thing though, enlightenment and an insight into the true nature of things comes from compassion, for self as well as others. It was no longer needed for the Buddha to wander the country side tormenting himself to find knowledge and peace.
Mara, the symbolic god of evil, lust and temptation tried to tempt the Buddha into lust and confusion, yet the Buddha was victorious over these temptations.
It must be said here that Mara, the tempter, was not a real god, but a symbol of the Buddhas own battle within himself as he sought enlightenment and peace and victory over his own mind and body.
The Buddha was rejected by other holy men and shamans because he gave up on self torture as the road to peace for self and others.
The road to enlightenment and peace for self and others begin with you, you are the master of your own  self.
There is Karma in the universe that does not have a mind or god that controls it, it is simply an inherent part of nature and the Universe like light or gravity, it is neither good nor evil.
However, Karma does deal out justice of a sorts, you cause suffering of others and Karma bring that suffering back to you.
If you have compassion, and compassion is the basis for all Buddhists, if you relive their suffering, then that too comes back to you.
So the Buddha found the middle way, neither torturing himself nor drowning himself in hedonism, the key to enlightenment, the key to understanding reality, is compassion,

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Brisk

The brisk air is here today in this October day. I feel less motivated by this weather,
Like so many others I would rather cover myself with blankets and ignore these cold days and forget my obligations.
My obligations are not many, I have no children or wife, but the obligations I do have I would rather postpone or ignore them this brisk fall morning.
The Sun keeps appearing and disappearing behind the clouds, as if the Sun can not make up its mind what the weather should be for the rest of this day.
I am more tired on these cold brisk days, I have less motivation in these darker days.
I have to fight myself just to get the fuck out of bed, it is so god damn cold outside.
If I go anywhere to day I must pedal my bike in this cold fall air.
I am drowsy and weak, I am very lethargic today, I have to force myself though any action I take.
I am bored and closed in these cold days, I feel isolated from other human beings because everyone is inside, trying to stay warm.
Either that or they are forcing their ways through their actions and obligations, no one likes this cold nippy weather.
There is so much to do and I have no energy, but I do my thing, as it were, none the less.
I try to work hard and play light, but either one feels more like a burdensome task rather than a productive activity.
The cold air is coming, it gets colder and colder with each passing day and I move as if I was in molasses.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Foundations

The foundations of my mind and soul are cracking under great stress, I am alone.
I do not like people, they frighten me and they wear on my patience and the foundation of my life.
The foundations many people have to support and anchor their lives in reality, I do not have.
I have no children, I have no job, I have no wife or even a girlfriend, my foundations are few and weak.
I seek stability as best as I can in the sparseness of my supports which are very few.
There are friends that I do have, they are one reliable foundation, sometimes they are the only ones to keep me supported.
I am an atheist so neither God or his fake followers are of any use to me, they are worse than stupid, they are deluded by an imaginary friend in the sky.
I have no patience for fairy tales, even the Bronze Age ones of the Koran, Bible and Torah or Talmud, they are worse than useless.
My brothers and sisters are of no help, my sister committed suicide and the rest just spout platitudes .
The foundations of my life that are real and steady are my psychiatrist and psychotherapist, they are at least consistent.
My medications are a foundation, they have been for 32 years, I would die like my sister without them.
People question me about the wisdom of living through chemicals and brain biochemistry, to them I say fuck you, I am not obligated to suffer because you disapprove of my meds.
I use meds like any modern convenience, like a car and airplane, brought to you by science.
My meds come from science, if you will not give up your car or plane, why the fuck should I surrender my meds to your disapproval?
The foundations of my sanity are often twisted under incredible forces, I do the best I can to stay afloat and sane.
The foundations of my life are not marble mountains, but card board pillars, that with moisture or water will collapse.