Wednesday, August 31, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, No Understanding

I do not understand these changes, they are happening much to fast and to often.
I am drowning in an ocean of fear as I try to swim the new waters of circumstance.
People are coming and going, living and dying, reaching for goals, they move with purpose.
I am stagnate, there are no goals in my mind or soul, I am just drifting watching others go on.
I am tired and scared, and I do not know why.
Why is everyone running from me?
Why am I being abandoned again?
I hate these fuckers who come and go only to frighten me and confuse me.
They have lives and I have only existence, they are better than me, they are happier than me.
I hear their voices in the hall, of those leaving and coming in, they frighten me, I do not like change.
I hear noises in the hall, pounding and popping sounds that make me jump.
The Angel is leaving today, and I can not stop his departure.
I will be alone, I have no friends, I have no family that cares about my happiness and health.
I do not understand why, I understand nothing of these rapid, constant changes of people and events.
I am drowning in fear, I am denied a quiet, constant environment that is stable and makes some sense.
Nothing is  going my way, everything is spinning out of my control and I want to die, but have no strength to end it.
So I sit in this fucking shit hole, trapped, and there is no where to go, I am sinking into my own feces and urine.
I have been violated, beat up and abandoned by everyone everywhere, I hate these fuckers.
I hate they have friends and family and resent that I do not have the same.
I have no understanding, I am lost. I am confused.

Monday, August 29, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Empire

The Empire is shaking, its foundation cracked and splitting.
We are stretched very far and wide, our resources stretched, on the verge of snapping.
It was glorious to become an Empire, it proved we were masters of the world.
We proved our power and strength at Hiroshima and Nagasaki, we set the world on fire.
We have defeated many enemies of the Empire, but now we are losing to an ideology of Allah.
There are no normal battle fronts, there are no clear boundaries  to lose or defend.
This new war is a war of murderers killing people with fire and knives to behead people on video.
These fanatics are willing to die rather than surrender, how do you kill and scare those who want to be killed.
The caliphate is their goal and they might just get it through massive immigration to the west from the east.
Violence is only one of their tactics to over run the Empire and its allies.
Sweden is breaking down into brown chaos, Greece has financially collapsed, and England has been over run.
The Empire has used its weapons of war in this fight to kill from the air, to pursue the enemy with flying robots of death,
These machines carry death with them but no man or woman, they fly on their own, if shut down by the enemy, there will be no prisoners of war.
The Empire has bombed and obliterated many of the enemy, we have invaded their counties then we left.
Chaos broke out in the east, the Empire left behind religious fanatics armed by the Empire's weapons.
We have left the rugged terrain of Afghanistan and it has fallen into an abyss of insanity, there are no rules there.
Iraq is a bona fide world of confusion of Muslims killing Muslims because the dictator was removed by the Empire.
There is no democracy coming to these places, the savages of the east only want theocracy.
You can not give candy to those who only eat meat, you can not give liberty to those who seek death.
Liberty is irrelevant to those who seek to kill and subdue the Empire.
We are confused, we do not know what to do.
This war began on September 11, 2001, there are no lines of battle to be drawn in this conflict.
The Empire has tanks, airplanes with no pilots, soldiers in an army  meant to destroy armies with uniforms.
The Empire has nuclear weapons and no way to use them, there is no one country to nuke.
The Empire will not survive, at least not as we knew it.
It will be running out of money, and there are no nations left to give the Empire loans.
This will drag on and on with no end in sight because we must fight and not fight at the same time.

Friday, August 26, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Wind Makes Me Jump.

The wind makes me jump in fear,
I am strung out and tight as a tension line.
The fear has reached ridiculous levels, like a brush fire in California.
I see enemies everywhere, I think they are in front of my bus, or on it with me already.
They come in all shapes, colors and sizes these would be enemies of mine.
I do not know what they are thinking or what they are planning to do to harm me.
When I was a child, the wind made me jump, I  jumped in startled fear from its noise.
My shadow is with me always but so are my enemies, be they real or imaginary.
I can not tell the difference anymore, who is or is not against me.
Or who is real or not real.
I am trembling, I am alone in a violent,  nonstop, world of psychosis.
My medications and prescribed drugs give me temporary relief, but only for a time.
Meds and drugs do not clear away my enemies or stop me from imagining them.
These are countless spectres, they swirl around in my broken and terrified mind.
Will they bring violence against me even though I have not done the same to them?
I think they want to frighten me into silence, or actually want to kill me, I do not know for sure anymore.
The wind is still today, the Sun is burning hot on my skin as I walk down the street in fear and paranoia.
I am afraid, I am alone.
No one knows that I believe that people everywhere are trying to kill me, I have told no one.
The wind makes me jump, I hear it howling, I tremble in terror.
What is the solution? Violence? Panic? Hiding all my life like a hermit?
No, none of these things are acceptable.
I will go on, still marching through my life in fear and always jumping at every noise and always looking over my shoulder.
I have no choice, no one can help, I will spend eternity looking over my shoulder.
The wind makes me jump.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

A poem by Garry G Pelow, Rwanda, And We Did Nothing.

The heart of Africa, and the rivers were clogged with dead bodies like hair in a drain,
They hacked each other to death by machete. These were not soldiers in a war, these
were mass killers of their fellow human beings, sometimes the killers were children. Children in the role of victim or murderer.
Hundreds of thousands were dying, and we knew it, and we did nothing. We went to war in Iraq for 
blood oil, to protect our sources of fuel, for these things we were willing to kill for.
In Rwanda we did nothing to stop the killing, were unwilling to send American troops to end a genocide.
The rest of the world, especially the strong nations, are equally guilty by reason of inaction.
If there was no money to be made in protecting the weak in Dark Africa, we did not go in.
There was another time the world did nothing to stop a mad man. A psychopathic man who had 
a sick mind with notions of reducing his country to a primitive previous time of long ago, he was trying 
to have his country be thrown back 2000 years. His sick vision in Cambodia killed two million
people in the late seventies. And the world did nothing.  The one country who put a stop to Pol Pot,
these liberators of the Cambodian people, was an enemy of America. The Vietcong, in this our enemy 
became the hero. In Cambodia, no one else did anything to stop the torture and blood spilling of two million people, except for communist Vietnam, and even then there motives were not pure.
They too waited and did nothing for four years, and two million died, and we and Vietnam sat on the sidelines for four years doing nothing like the rest of the world.  
Even when the Vietnamese acted they did it to place a friendly face in Phnom Penh, an ally in the place of an enemy government.
In the Eurasian continent in the cold of Russia and at the hands of Stalin, millions died, about twenty million died and we, the world, did nothing.
American Natives and black slaves died in the millions, and most parts of the world did nothing to stop it.
In Red China, in the Great Leap forward and the Cultural Revolution, thirty million died at the hands of Mao.
And the world did nothing.
We pat ourselves on the back for stopping Hitler and the Japanese and their criminal acts, but most of the time, the world did not go to war to stop murder, we did it for our own interests. 
We are a bloody and miserable species, we humans.
Who are the worst criminals, the killers or those who refuse to stop them?
Is it more evil to kill or let others be killed?

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Schizophrenia coping vlog

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Broken Bones.

The confusion is sweeping our country down a road of destruction,
we are speeding to civil war and broken bones, we are fighting each other to the point of insanity.
The gays fight the straights, the blacks fight the whites, the black gays fight the black straights.
Do you not see the insanity of all of this? We are breaking down and burning our streets up.
There is so much violence and fracturing of society going on we may not survive, as a country or a world.
The meanness of humanity has always been there, for the past ten thousand years, but now it is stronger and more vile then ever.
The cities are burning and the police are dying or being accused of racist acts of murder, all of this egged on by the Black Lives Matter terrorist organization
The left is to blame for much of what is happening, they are apologists for race baiting violence and ignoring Islamic murder and violence in the land.
Fifty people get murdered at the hands of one Islamist and yet Islam is a religion of peace and Muslims are victims of racism.
There are viral videos online of black stalking murderous mobs hunting down and killing whites over imaginary police racist murders.
Most police shootings are justified and that fact is ignored, and the black masses react with violence when there is a police shooting, not even knowing the cop involved was black and the killing justified.
The bones of our society that hold everything together are starting to fracture and break, we are dying as a nation, based on lies.
There was once a great Civil War that nearly destroyed us, and we are again marching into a new inferno.
This does not have to happen, violence does not have to happen or be a solution for anything, nor could ever be a solution to anything, we are dying and convulsing to death.
I do not see a bright future, I see only a dying society being over run by animals and extremists, there is no hope when there are nothing but lies.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Planet of the Apes.

Black Lives Matter, the terrorists and their street thug foot soldiers are marching to kill you and me,
we are guilty of the crime of being white, the thugs of Milwaukee are burning and destroying everything in sight.
I am afraid to walk in my own neighborhood past seven o'clock, they will follow me, and beat me and stab me.
I am guilty of the crime of being white, I am blamed for the incompetence of the black community and its own members.
They fuck up their own lives, families, communities and then blame us, the western European, the white person.
They follow and stalk me because I am white and they can not fix their own fucking problems, they blame us.
I am sick of the fucking atmosphere of the Planet of the Apes these people have brought into the United States, they are like the movie with Charelton Heston, the former slaves become master and overlords that have no humanity, just brutality.
The people run around rioting and killing and destroying authority like the apes that learned to talk and burned down the civilization of humans.
You can call me a fucking racist all you want to, I do not care about those labels anymore, when you stop acting like chimpanzees and gorillas, I will stop being racist, what the fuck gives you the right to attack me?
You throw around violence and act like animals and you should be treated as such until you stop burning and destroying things and stealing shit that does not belong to you, stop doing that shit, then I will stop being racist.
White people are getting sick of this fucking shit, riots and violence over justified shootings by police of black criminals.
Three of these apes stalked and followed me home last night, these young apes were getting ready to punch, stab, shoot, rob and kill me.
Stop doing that shit, then I will stop being racist.

Friday, August 12, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Zyprexa zombie

I wander through life in a fog, a fog created by the likes of anti psychotics like Zyprexa,
there are other agents courtesy of the feel good doctor to block the pain of being alive.
My thoughts are muddled and racing non stop from one idea to the next, I do not know to clear it up.
Many years ago I walked the walk of the Thorazine shuffle, tripping over my own feet, unable to move forward.
There were other psych drugs that were a pain in the ass, Mellaril eliminated my sex drive and erections,
Halcion was a powerful sleeping pill that I do not even remember taking, I woke in my bed not knowing how I got there.
Apparently I was carried to bed after passing out on the coach in the day room,
I was offered Valium by the doctor and I refused it because I knew the score on addiction,
pills from a doctor can drown you in addiction without even realizing it was happening, pills of the drug store can cripple you like heroin or cocaine and other illegal chemicals, they are all equally dangerous and have the potential to kill the user or those nearby,
I am still a slave to nicotine, it calms me in the confusion and rapid pace of life and living, it is my crutch.
All peoples have a crutch, including you, you can not run from it, your crutch might be gambling, drugs, sex, booze or the need to have the love of another.
All crutches lead to atrophy of the mind and rob you of ambition, I get very use to my crutches and I am sick of it.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, My Rotting Gut

I am vomiting, I am nauseated, I am in pain, I am sick to my stomach, I hate this fucking world.
I am dizzy, I am shaking, I want to scream out in anger over pain and sickness and boredom.
I hate this fucking world, I hate my aging body and the sickness and pain that comes as I grow older and weaker as others stay strong, whining about all of this is all I have left, I have no love, I have no friends.
My two room mates are disgusting, loud, noisy and they carry a stench wherever they go, it makes me want to vomit, even when I do vomit to relieve myself of the nausea, the relief does not last, I wish I was fucking dead, yet I have no balls to make that happen, I want to tell everyone to shut the fuck up and leave me to my misery and weak sickness.
I threw up for the entire past week nonstop, I hate this fucking world of pain and nausea, I feel like I am in chemotherapy for cancer, my hair is falling out, I have no desire to eat, when I do I vomit, I vomit and vomit and vomit with no end in sight.
I am jealous of others well being, health, vitality love and friends, I have none of these, I am alone in my gut wrenching vomit filled existence, I am tired with no energy, just lethargy, I am motivated to do that which is needed to stay alive and nothing more, I hate this fucking world, I hate you and your smiles, I hate your friends, I hate your family, I hate this fucking world of vomit and weakness, I shake in disgust at my own ill health.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Living with schizophrenia

I am vomiting to day, I am sick to my fucking stomach, I forgot to renew my scripts and am paying the price.
My gut is rumbling with noise and nausea and my head is spinning in psychosis and anxiety,
this is the price I pay for not being diligent and not paying attention, also my paranoia is eating me up today along with my gut, I have the urge to puke, my arms and legs are shaking from missing four of my medications out of five.
Psychosis is a difficult thing to endure without anti psychotic meds that normally I would take everyday.
I am so very, very tired, so very, very fed up, I hate this inner gut nausea and puking.
I feel like I am on chemotherapy drugs for cancer where nausea and vomiting are normal and par for the course.
It is a horrible thing to not trust ones own body and brain, my fears and paranoia are strong today and I do not know what to do, I can only wait, wait until my scripts are ready and I well enough to go get them at the druggist.
I am constipated and in pain from it, I am shaking in all parts from the pain and lethargy, I am struggling even just to write this shit, my hands are trembling, like I am having a stroke or seizure.
My room mates are unaware of my suffering, there is nothing they could do about it anyway,  I feel alone in my pain and gut wrenching nausea.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Lost In The Wilderness

Many people are lost, they are lost in a chemical fog to ease the pain of life.
We all know of the addicts around us at every turn of our existence.
We see and here the booze addicts, the cocaine, the heroine, the speed and tobacco addicts.
They seek to dull the sensations of being alive because those sensations are filled with pain.
The alcoholic rots his liver and gut, you can tell a speed freak by the rotting of their teeth.
The cocaine addict rots his nasal passages, the heroine addict is breaking down his veins,
from the constant use of the needle, they must look for and use whatever veins not yet collapsed.
The angel dust user is often drowning in violent psychosis and hallucinations, they are using a chemical
that is only legal in any sense for veterinary medicine, a drug for horses and pigs.
The crack addict forsakes all friends and relative in order to smoke the glass pipe.
However, there are other people who are lost, they are less obvious to us.
They are lost in the addiction of legal drugs in pill from, the Valium, the Klonipin, the Ativan.
These chemicals are legal and addiction is hard to spot or notice it, especially when doctors enable it.
Often the person lost in the crater of pills is lost because they believe they are taking their drugs of choice to treat a mental disorder like depression or anxiety, yet they are just numbing the fear and terror of being alive in a world of violence, rape,war,and murder.
They takes these pills to combat the boredom and banality of their own lives.
America and the worlds citizens are being moved into a state of mental and emotional coma, they are
chemically created zombies who have lost all direction to high ideals and personal goals.
Sometimes doctors are the pushers, but they to can get lost, they become the addict lost to pills and injections, a self administered oblivion do to stress of watching the sick die or experience untold suffering.
It is to easy to become lost, to easy to cover that up and hide it.