Wednesday, June 29, 2016
There has been improvement in my cycle of mental illness, my paranoia is less, my fear somewhat abated, the depression and anxiety have partially lifted, I tend it to get through my day a little bit easier without being in a constant state of abject fear and terror with my hands and even by body trembling in fear over unseen, imagined enemies. Part of this improvement has been because my environment has improved, my new room mate is not an asshole like the other three I tried to share this house with, gone is the noise and drugs and booze and confusion the brought to my life, I am glad they are gone and I am sleeping easier. There is to be a new guy coming this weekend, a young guy, the landlord said that he will keep an eye on him because he is so young, I look to this Friday with trepidation, I have concerns that the past of confusion in this house may be rekindled, however I do not know that the confusion will start again, I hope not, I have enough confusion in my head, I do not need it in my residence, in my environment, I am trying not to judge this kid before I even meet him, it may all work itself out just fine, there is always some anxiety with change, this is unavoidable, I am just tired and exhausted over the time of psychotic confusion, fear and terror, and believe me, when I feel like that, terror is the right word for my emotions, especially when I am paranoid and suspicious that others are following me, spying on me, trying to hurt or murder me, yet I do not have evidence that such things are real and I do have evidence they are not real. I have a new shrink coming, the one I had has left to give birth, I wish her well, she was easy to work with and actually cares about what happens with her patients. So as I am writing this, I am trying hard to stay upbeat even in my Schizophrenia, we will see how it goes.
Monday, June 27, 2016
They are unseen, they at first sought to end the terror of a cult, the cult of the Church of Scientology, they sought to end the terror of this so called Church, this so called religion, against its own members. This group of unseen heroes called themselves Anonymous, they were hackers and people who hid in the background of the internet seeking to destroy this cult and reduce the number of people already in it, and to reduce the number that may have joined the cult in the future. I was on board with these goals, the Church of Scientology was, and still is, using brainwashing techniques, threats, stalking, spying, lawsuits, break up of families, lies and deception, to terrorize their members into staying in the Cult of Scientology or to get people to join them based on the lie that they, and only they, had the secret to happiness and good mental health of both individuals and humanity at large, and this was a problem that Anonymous wanted to solve, by hacking into the cults computer servers, using denial of service attacks, and putting out video messages directed at both the Cult and the public at large with the truth about Scientology, that they are not a religion but a corporation stealing money from its members and even from the government by pretending to be a religion as not to pay taxes. However, Anonymous has changed, it has become a loose nit, leaderless but worldwide protest group that wore masks to hide their identities, while claiming to fight for freedom against evil corporations and banks and government, they claimed they were fighting for democracy and freedom, but Anonymous, as a group is now the set of liars, they have been overrun by Cultural Marxists, socialists, feminists, social justice warriors and communist revolutionaries. They seek to destroy both capitalist democracies and republics and equality of opportunity with fascism that seeks equality of outcome for people as a group regardless of their own merit, ability, and individual actions. These left wing fascists are already using violence and threats to stop freedom of speech on western college and university campuses, they seek to destroy the freedom and lives of anyone who does not share their worldwide vision of regressive left fascism, the only equality they would deliver is a system where everyone is equally oppressed and intimidated. They have tried to get their opponents fired from their jobs, they have tried to shame and bully their opponents online through destroying peoples reputations and to ridicule and shame their opponents into silence, but we must say no to them, we must not let them destroy freedom through fascist ways. These fake and false evil revolutionaries must be stopped, they seek to destroy you, me and all of us, the heroes are now the villains and we must wake up to that fact.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
I am going through more change, more than I would like, my living quarters are in a state of flux and variation, I had some room mates kicked out of my house by my landlord, and today two new ones are moving in. This change is like an earthquake to me in my emotional stability, I am struggling to keep up with this rapid change, I have to live with people I do not know, I hate this fucking shit, this fucking earthquake in my mind, none of this change does my mental illness any good. I will go out later to dinner, to dinner with friends I know and can talk to because they are not strangers to me, I need to talk to people I know about my stress, about this earthquake of confusion in my soul. I am struggling to fight off fear and anxiety over the unknown and rapid environmental change in my living situation. I saw my shrink yesterday and she is aware of my fear, anxiety and confusion, I have so much stress in this earthquake of change, I write this poem to help me cope, I always liked writing, it relaxes me, it calms the tremors of this earthquake. I am muddling through this confusion the best that I can, I am struggling for my sanity, struggling not to be overwhelmed with fear and loathing, I am keeping my daily schedule to keep busy and steady, sometimes my schedule is all that I have to cope with so much change. My paranoia and fear and delusions are getting worse under the stress being exerted on my mind, body and spirit. I am fearful, I feel alone and tormented, yet I am no danger to myself or anyone else, I am just in a state of panic that I hope is only temporary and not in long duration, I have not even met my new room mates yet, I hear them in the hallway and I am afraid to go introduce myself to them, but I can not avoid it forever, after all, I have to live with these people whom I do not trust, I do not trust anyone lately, we will see what happens.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
There is the house of dirt and poverty, a house that the mentally ill often find themselves residing in, even in the west which is supposed to be a house of diamonds, a house of plenty. The invisible ones wander the streets with no home or hearth. Everyone around them seems to be rich and in wealth, it always seems like that when you have nothing of your own, The jails and prisons are filled with the empty hearted, those with no hope but to see their jailers as their only company. The house of diamonds is not for them, it is for the healthy and sane, those of sound mind. I feel fortunate in the house of diamonds, I am not rich or filled with wealth, but I have what I need, work to keep me busy, hobbies to distract me from pain of any kind, I have food on the table and a place to live, I take my medications as expected and I live in the house of diamonds not completely devoid of its wealth. I wish I could shake some sense into the mentally ill in this house to do as I do, to take their medications, see the doctors and keep your appointments, these are the things that keep you off the streets and out of the prisons and jails, I wish I could yell at them to do these things, these things that require effort to maintain but are more pleasant than the house of filth and dirt in the middle of the house of diamonds. The mentally ill supposedly have civil rights, if they are not dangerous to self or others they have the civil rights to be ignored and homeless and hungry or in jail, to me that is an odd definition of civil rights and freedom.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
I look at the world and I see the psychosis everywhere, it comes in many forms. There is the psychosis of Buddhism, they that believe in the fable of a man who found wisdom in sitting still and repeating nonsensical words, a source of wisdom that is nothing more then distracting ones mind from real life problems to ignore them and does nothing to solve those problems. There is the fable and lie surrounding an imaginary figure that never existed named Jesus, a zombie from the grave, a man who supposedly died for mankind's sins, he himself was apparently God and son of God at the same time, an idea that God sent himself to die for the sins he himself created, knowing full well he allowed us to sin then punished us for his creation. There is the fable of Satan that creates evil and violence in the human race, a fantasy that allows man to not take responsibility for his own evil and violence, how convenient for the supposed adults of humanity to not take personal responsibility for their own actions and instead blame some boogey men from under the bed like children. There is the fable of Mohhamed and his flying horse, and of Allah his God that allows men to abuse and kill women and homosexuals in the name of Allah, a convenient excuse to abuse and torture and kill and even burn and behead their fellow men and women. These is the fable of millions of Hindu gods and their leader Vishnu, that has been an excuse for centuries for the existence of an oppressive caste system in India that excuses the subjugation of human being to less then the position of animals. There is the fantasy of the Jewish Yahway, or Jehovah, a vicious and mean and sadistic God that tortures and kills people for being imperfect, an imperfection he created but punishes humans for that imperfection in humanity. No, if this is the best fables you can come up with, I will not act like a two year old believing in Santa Clause just because you do, and if these gods do exist in any form, they are unworthy of praise or worship, instead they are worthy of scorn and contempt.
Monday, June 13, 2016
I vomit up my guts, the medicine for my psychosis makes me sick to my stomach, I am being treated for Schizophrenia and the price is violent daily nausea, I am sick of feeling sick all the time, to vomit in my mornings has become as routine as shaving and brushing my teeth, the vomit that spews out of my mouth, when it is not the wretching of dryness, comes up and eats away at my teeth, causing them to be damaged beyond repair and they must be pulled out of my mouth. I have been to the doctor and there seems to be no other reason for my vomiting other than my psychiatric drugs, yet I can not stop the meds, to do so is to return to psychosis and homelessness, so I continue to vomit in the name of my mental health a heavy price indeed to keep my sanity and mental health.
Friday, June 10, 2016
This is a fucking nightmare, this fear and paranoia. I tremble with fear in my Schizophrenia, I am paralyzed by fear. I do not know what to do, I feel like others are trying to hurt me, but I do not know who they are. Are they terrorists out to get me? Are they Islamists angry over what I have written on line? I am very afraid that they want to do me violence for speaking out against Islamic terrorism and Islam in general, you see Islam is not a religion, but an ideology, a system of government, a theocracy with some elements of religion. I am afraid there are Muslims trying to kill me, I do not know for sure, I am always looking over my shoulder, I never feel safe, I always feel like I am about to be murdered and I know not by whom. I do not know if my fears are real, or if the danger is real, or just a paranoid delusion brought on by Schizophrenia. I feel like no one cares about what happens to me, if I live or if I die. I sit alone in my room shaking in fear afraid to go outside, afraid of the Islamists, I am sitting alone in my hellish nightmare of fear. I can not seem to sleep at night or to stick to my daily schedule, everything seems so pointless, if I am about to be murdered, why do anything? I have very little motivation to do anything if my life is about to end by being murdered, I wish they would just leave me alone, they have no right to hurt me over my freedom of speech, for speaking out against Islamofascism, they seek to harm me because I support democracy and because I wish to speak for freedom.
Posted by Unknown at 9:59 AM
Saturday, June 4, 2016
The Eleventh Hour is approaching and we haven't much time, freedom is at stake and we are plummeting at very high speed into fascism. This fascism is not as obvious as it was in Italy decades ago with Mussolini, then Hitler in Germany. They call themselves progressives and liberals and feminists, and they claim they seek social justice, freedom from oppression and equality for certain GROUPS of people they deem to helpless to stand up for their own rights, like children. These groups they, the progressives, claim they are trying to help achieve equality include women, blacks, gays, transgenders, the disabled, bisexuals, the mentally ill and so on. These progressives, feminists and regressives have been accused of being Marxists and communists and collectivists and I suppose there is truth to that in their ideology, these progressives see only GROUPS OF PEOPLE AND NOT INDIVIDUALS, so in this way they see not, and are unconcerned with, and even try to disregard, the rights of individuals in the names of group class struggle, Marxist theory applied to the so called quest for social justice. However, in practice, these feminists and Cultural Marxists have more in common with Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini than they do with Karl Marx or Joseph Stalin, they have the same goals and practices, at least in theory to collectivism, but they are fascist in their practices, especially modern day, third wave feminists, they seek to crush freedom of speech on college campuses throughout the western democracies through violence, intimidation and fear. They seek to censor books they do not like, they are only one step away from burning them in huge bonfires. They seek to ban certain movies or television programs they do not like, and they physically assault people at public protests who dare to oppose them, like Hitler's SS, the brown shirts, they ignore and even support Islamic fascism and call anyone who stands against racist, however Islam is not a race, nor a religion, it is fascism disguised in a new dress and make up, but it is the same animal it has always been. So we must stand against the hidden, slowly encroaching fascists of the left and their leaders and academics, bell hooks, Clementine Ford, Rebecca Watson and others, we must shout out loud we will not give into their violence and censorship or intimidation, if we do not stand against them, then the nest step for them would be concentration camps for their enemies.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Posted by Unknown at 5:50 PM
Posted by Unknown at 3:27 PM
Posted by Unknown at 3:20 PM
The computer pounds out information at light speed, people are charged up and ready to shoot forward at breakneck velocity. The cars are moving swiftly and even the bicycles are moving swiftly about. Science has brought us a society that is moving at a rapid fire pace and shows no sign of slowing down, at least in the west. People can move at high speeds with never leaving their chairs through the fiber optic cables and wifi signals of the internet. I can go from Rochester to Tokyo in seconds and never take an airplane or boat to get there. People can hold conversations in both small or large groups from all parts of the world at the same time and see each other during those conversations and they need not leave their homes, businesses or schools to do it. We are moving faster than ever towards finding cures for diseases like AIDS, molecular biology and science and chemistry has advanced in the past fifty years faster then the past four hundred years. We have sent robots and probes to land on Mars and to the moons of Jupiter and Saturn. We rush about in this revolution on information and digital data, these are the fuels of modern society that drives humanity forward to the future, whatever that may be. People are rushing about in cars and on buses, trains and airplanes with their attention preoccupied by their smart phones and not talking to each other when they are sitting right next to each other, they talk only to those on the other end of technology. It is strange, I have been alive fifty years now, when I was born the big, new technologies were colored television and transistor radios, but even they became rapidly outdated. As I grew up in the nineteen eighties, we were still using the technology of vinyl records on phonographs, we played videos on the vcr. But all of these new things quickly became old and people got use to getting the new technology they wanted brought to them faster and faster, and cheaper and cheaper. We have grown complacent and bored, our attention spans are now about three seconds in length and we do not really talk to each other anymore, oh we hold conversations still, in person and by technology but no one is listening to each other. We are becoming dangerously disconnected from each other which may make us more callous and cruel to each other, it is easy to lose empathy for other people when they are separated by smart phones and computers, cruelty may become easier.