The wait is painful, it is confusion of the unexpected, waiting is to not know,
it is the fear of the unknown, the fear of the unexpected.
There must be patience in waiting, otherwise insanity ensues, it consumes you with fear,
Fear is a strange thing, it is often over nothing real or even likely, sometimes fear is just of the imaginary future that does not come true. I hate waiting, I want what I want and I want it now,
however childish that is.. I sometimes do not even know what I am waiting for, I seek things that are unknown to me, things I do not know will happen or what may be.
I am waiting, waiting for money due to me, for love to suddenly appear, or friendship to come out of thin air.
I am childish is this regard, expecting and waiting for things I have put in no effort to attain nor deserve.
I must work harder, be more proactive, to just stop waiting in inaction and be more involved in my own future, Karma is a bitch, if such a thing exists,if good effort is needed and required for good things while waiting for the future, then doing stupid or dangerous things bring pain and suffering, so the Buddha teaches, or has taught.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Posted by Unknown at 7:44 PM
Today I an in a state of rage, my body is shaking in rage and anger, I hate this fucking world and the people in it, they are all fucking assholes. I am coping as best as as I can in this enraged state of mind, I feel like telling everyone to fuck off,and I just did, my fucking room mates, they keep forgetting their keys, I am sick of answering the door because of it, they are fucking morons I am filled with rage, I must not commit violence, even though I would like to, I will not, I have no desire to go to jail, my body is shaking, I am enraged, I do not know how to handle it, I am enraged, I feel helpless in my anger, my body is shaking to the point of a seizure, I want to rage against everyone I see, but I can not and will not, I must control my behavior, but it is tough to do so with everyone acting like an asshole. I do not know what to do, I am enraged, I am pissed off, I shake in anger, I am lost in a sea of anger and I am tossed about as if in an ocean hurricane, I am drowning in my lack of patience, I am drowning in a sea of irritability and annoyance, I an helpless to my emotions, all of my logic and restraint is gone, I yell and scream in anger, I do not like to, it is embarrassing to do so. I need to have self control but can not seem to find it and I do not know where to look for it.. I am alone, there is no one to help me, I am alone, no one cares about my feeling and rage.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Friday, March 18, 2016
Posted by Unknown at 8:08 PM
Bill Maher New Rules-- Martyrs Without A Cause - 2016 Compilations 5 of ...
Posted by Unknown at 8:05 PM
My brain is a collection of chemicals, a soup of antipsychotics, nicotine, tranquilizers, caffeine, adrenaline and cortisol, a collection of chemicals to cope with life, better living through chemistry. I have become accustomed to coping by chemicals, some of these drugs from the doctor to abate the psychotic symptoms in my mind, others are a collection of addiction, as is nicotine and caffeine, I have had other more powerful addictions swimming in my body and brain, amphetamines, tranquilizers, weed, among others, it often seems easier to cope by substances, easier than facing reality, that is not to say all drugs or chemicals in my brain are bad or unhealthy, some are needed by me to control my psychotic thinking and behavior, others I could, and should, do without. Caffeine serves no purpose beyond temporary, brief, energy, nicotine serves no purpose at all, I do it only to not face withdrawal symptoms in body and mind. I get up every morning to a handful of pills even before breakfast, these chemicals and smoking are the first business of the day, food must wait its turn early in the morning. To not take these chemicals and drugs means withdrawal symptoms and pain, mental and physical. I muddle through the day on these chemical crutches, taking them throughout the day, the morning handful of pills is only the first of the day, these handfuls are spread over the entire day, chemicals to wake up, chemicals to work, chemicals to play, chemicals to have sex, chemicals to stop pain, and chemicals to sleep.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
I am alone today stewing in my own rage and anger, I do not know how to deal with it, I am truly alone, I lost my temper in public, I was ashamed over this. I do the best I can to control my anger but often feel attacked and a need to retaliate against the offender who has made me angry, I do the best I can. I am in the drug store, I accidentally knock over a display, the clerk gets angry with me, she warns to me watch my tone with her, I tell her to go fuck herself, I leave the store in both anger and shame, I do not like losing my temper in public, but I felt trapped, a need to retaliate with the same disrespect that I perceived was given to me by a rude, bitter old woman, filled with hate and anger. Verbally I showed no mercy, I sought verbal revenge, I called the store to call the clerk a cunt, my anger was not abated, I am still shaking in anger, fear, and guilt, an odd combination of emotions to aggravate my psychosis, I do not like anger or rage, given or received, yet the impulse is strong is to seek revenge, sometimes that impulse is stronger than any other, I seek only peace and yet receive nothing but hateful anger and rage which I return in equal measure, I seek revenge, I seek it now and immediately, to do it quick and strong, I hate that bitter old woman at the drug store, who the fuck is she? I can not stand the rudeness in which I was treated with without retaliating, I am still enraged, not to the point of physical violence just to verbal revenge.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
The pain in the gut hurts hard, the anxiety deepens the pain, the delusions are also the cause of this pain. The pain is sharp and not dull, it pierces my abdomen like a hot poker, this mental illness works the pain of both mind and body, it also makes my head pound with pain, a horrible, unrelenting pain. This schizophrenia causes pain that is persistent and distracting, I have tried many painkillers of various types to no avail, my pain is cutting and throbbing, I have gone to the doctor and they say the pain is all in my head, that does not make it hurt less, if anything this dismissive attitude makes the pain worse, and the physician is of no help. I struggle through my day in suffering of mind and body, with no end or respite in sight. When I am angry, the pain deepens and worsens, When I am irritated the pain worsens, as it does with anxiety, fear and depression. This pain is hard to cope with, control or manage, I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs in pain and hopelessness, but I do not, I suffer a silent pain, untold or unmentioned to others around me. A chaotic environment adds to my suffering, constant change and the anxiety it causes are a part of my pain, I do not do well with a constantly changing environment. I seek just normalcy, and just consistency, not even happiness, I just want the physical pain to stop, happiness is an unattainable thing, I just want respite and relief, that is not a lot to ask.
Posted by Unknown at 11:43 AM
Thursday, March 10, 2016
The water is falling from the sky again in the most dark and lonely way, this cold and dampness chills my soul, it is hard to keep warm and feel safe in these dismal circumstances, I hate Rochester with all its coldness and wetness. I want the sun to shine, I want to feel the solar light on my face, this fucking cold is depressing and fills me with despair, the weather has a powerful effect on my mind and soul. I will not go out tonight, I will hide in my room to avoid the drizzle and depression outside my house. I am shivering from the feeling of cool dampness, my hands and body are shaking, I find it hard to even hold a hot cup of coffee without spilling it all over, that is how bad I am shaking, my hands and body. I seek to stay in the warmth of my room, such as it is, the room I am in has a chill to it, I try to keep my mind off of it, but it is difficult, I find it hard to concentrate on anything worthwhile or important, my thoughts are spinning fast around and around through my head, there is no rest from it, it is relentless this weather induced confusion and depression. I try to stay on schedule, to finish my daily activities that I have put on a list to do today, yet my ambition to do anything is weak at best, I force myself to write this to motivate me to do all things listed on the schedule of work, writing, studying Spanish, it is difficult to stay on schedule, but I do try, even when confused and depressed, to do nothing only brings more confusion, anxiety and fear, I must stay busy despite the falling water from the sky.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
It has become just about survival, existing, not truly living, my irritation and anger grow all the time, I hate this fucking world, I am fucking bored and restless. My hands shake in annoyance and irritation and anger, this fucking shit hole I live in irritates me to no end, I hate .this fucking place. The people here are assholes, noisy and disruptive, is it to much to ask for quiet and silence from these fucking idiots who make noise and bang shit around in a clamor? I do not like them, they are filthy, stupid children in the bodies of adults, their immaturity is annoying. I seek only quiet and solitude and to be left alone, I do not like people very much. I see others who are happier than me, and I retreat into envy and solitude. I am not a happy person, and I am totally alone, I prefer it that way, just surviving, no children or wife to be fed or cared for, just me to feed and be responsible to and for. I do not want a family, they would be a burden on the body and mind of a schizophrenic, that situation would be a mess, The stress would cause constant, ongoing, never ending mental collapses, both psychotic and in mood. I am typing this in anger, fear and depression, I do not know what to do other than sticking to my schedule, it is all that I have now, just following the plan and surviving.
Monday, March 7, 2016
Spring is moving in fast, early in this March of 2016, the snow and frost are turning into rain and warmth, there is a longer and broader daytime as the sun rises earlier with each passing day and sets later and later. I feel better this time of year, less enclosed by four walls in the close quarters of winter, there is more room to breath, to take in more sunlight, these things ease my psychosis, depression and anxiety as well as my fear. Oh, I will still have bad days of depression, anxiety and fear, but they will be fewer and I will feel stronger in coping with those bad days. I am cursed as my mother and sister were by psychosis and madness, but unlike them I will not be killed by it, nor will I kill because of my madness. My sister Mary ended her suffering abruptly with a shotgun, my mother destroyed herself slower by the bottle. I can not die like that, I must not quit this life, there is always a new spring of hope that both comes and goes, but a pattern that is never ending in its cycles. I am alive, I will stay that way, or at least I will not die by my own actions of self destruction. I may feel alone and scared sometimes, even terrified, but I am more terrified by quitting this life, the idea of giving up like my mother and sister did makes me want to vomit in disgust. I AM ALIVE, I WILL STAY THAT WAY, nor will by bad days ever be an excuse to harm others. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I AM ALIVE, I have the power and ability to rejoice even as confusion sets in, there is always a part of my mind that sees reality clearly even if most of my waking brain and mind can not. I am alive, so are you, I hope you stay alive, you are all children of reality, we all are, and spring is coming.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
They say there is no such thing as mental illness, these liars and charlatans, or they say, "stop taking your medications, take vitamins, mental illness is caused by diet or nutritional deficiencies". They babble on, they say stupid, fake scientific things, mental illness does not exist, schizophrenia is not an illness, just an alternative lifestyle, or a different but legitimate way of seeing reality, simply seeing real things others can not see or hear. "You are not schizophrenic" they say, "you are just lazy, you are a malingerer who does not want to work or help yourself", "you are a liar" they say, they say "you are not ill but a faker of illness".Their explanations are full of holes and pseudoscience, they make bizarre claims mental illness is not real and their statements are false, illogical and, they ignore the evidence or say it does not exist, they ignore the scientific discoveries and evidence found in countless studies at many different hospitals and universities, they say the cat is black although it is obviously white. The brain is a physical object, subject to the of the physical laws of the universe, it can be both damaged and injured, or its chemicals may fall into imbalance, the chemicals in the brain are also physical and subject to the laws of nature. No person would choose to have a mental illness, nor would most pretend to, the life of mental illness is a life full of pain, loneliness and poverty, poverty in both money and hope. I seek to educate you in the truth, the truth of psychosis, mood disorders, anxiety disorders and personality or neurological disorders. These thing are real and painful to body and mind.
Posted by Unknown at 12:43 PM
Friday, March 4, 2016
The pills are everywhere, they are in the very soul of my being, the are pervasive through all my life and existence, my brain and psychology could not function without them. The chemicals are there to regulate my moods and thoughts for a more rational way of thinking and feeling in my life, I am unable to function without them. I do not know if this is dependence, addiction or a needed set of chemicals for functioning in a healthy way. My psychiatrist points out, as do many scientists and doctors, that a diabetic who must have daily insulin is not addicted to it, but it is a needed chemical for the function of life in regards to sugar level regulation in the body. The argument being that a psychiatric care consumer is not addicted to most psychiatric drugs, but they are a needed set of drugs to regulate complex regions in the brain, a necessity of life, for a normal life. There are of course some tools used by psychiatrists and consumers that are addictive, they function to control anxiety but can leave a person dependent and addicted, for this reason many doctors refuse to prescribe them. I am however tired of, and annoyed by, the fact I must take 15 pills a day to function, the fact they are needed does not mean I like the burden of taking drugs to function, it is something one must schedule their activities, work, school and personal lives around, the pills demand an exact schedule, all else is secondary.
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
The deprivation has horrible results for this schizophrenic, deprivation of sleep, it robs me of empathy for myself and others, it shortens my temper and creates irritation in me, it makes me more explosive in my dealings with other human beings. I am angry all the time now during the day, tossing and turning all night, my stupid fucking room mates are no help, they are loud and disruptive at night with the fucking tv or radio blaring loudly I wish they would fucking stop, and for some reason I am afraid to confront them, so I suffer in silence as I write this. The constant shift in my environment also robs me of sleep, my landlord is constantly changing my room mates, disorienting me with severe anxiety attacks due to people coming and going here where I live, or exist. This can not be called living, just surviving or existing. My fear and anxiety pound away at me every night, keeping me locked into a viscous cycle of fear, anger, anxiety and insomnia in a feedback loop that is uninterrupted and exhausting, creating the risk or need to be put in a psychiatric hospital, it has happened to me before, going to the emergency room for insomnia induced or worsened psychosis. I am angry, I am alone and isolated, I struggle to cope, to keep my schedule of daily tasks and errands and work. I will be seeing the shrink in two days, I will struggle on until then, I will wait this out and do the best I can to stay alive and well.