Thursday, January 28, 2016
My heart is racing and pounding, it struggles against the cigarette smoke and caffiene tablets, my drugs of choice, I am shaking like a leaf from them. My addictions are strong and not minor, caffeine in a psychotic can bring paranoia and fear, the nicotine brings cancer and emphysemia. I struggle with these chemicals daily, my brain is a soup of drugs and chemicals, my brain has learned to function only in the presence of these chemicals and my heart and lungs get weaker. I cough as if I had tubercurlosis, but it is sputum brought on by smokng, I feel my heart pounding in my chest, I fear death, I do not want to die, yet we all do. I feel weak and dizzy as I walk, I do not know how to stop, I got rid of alcohol in my life, but yet I can not seem to break away from caffeine and nicotine, although I am at risk of early death, my heart can only take so much. I am in a trap, one that I set up for myself, I chose the first cigarette, I chose the first coffee and caffeine tablets, it is no ones fault but mine. I am shaking, I am tired, I am exhausted, my heart and pulse pound in my ear, I can hear the pulse near my ears, I can hear it. My paranoia increaeses with each tablet, each cigarette, I am destroying myself and do not know how to stop.
Posted by Unknown at 11:02 AM
Friday, January 22, 2016
The gods of man and his imagination are frightening and evil, if real they are unworthy of worship. These cruel entities that supposedly love us all are filled with petty and cruel emotions and actions. It does not matter what god or gods you believe in, pagan, jewish, muslim, christian, they are all portrayed in your fake holy books as cruel, petty children. These gods instill us with desires of both sex and other desires and then punishes us for acting on them as a sin, these gods of untrue fables and lies. There is something inherently evil about gods and religion, or more accurately, the people, us, who make these gods in our image and not the reverse. Your fucking god or gods are not real, they are fairy tales concocted so you could control others with violence, fear, guilt and anger. The human hearts and minds that make up these fables and those who believe in them are evil, they are the most violent in humanity, they are disgusting in their sanctimonious piety, they use fake gods and lies to cause war, genocide and death.
Posted by Unknown at 10:28 AM
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Posted by Unknown at 12:44 PM
The nervous system, chemicals that poison it, the insects may die, but the child may grow slower in mind or body or both from toxins meant to kill pests. Lower I.Q.s, increased ADHD,increased impulsivity, all leading to problems of neurology and psychiatry, motivation drops from poisons in the blood, skin and neural pathways. There is difficulty in understanding in children poisoned long term, the toxins are insidious, they crush the mind and personality over time. I feel so tired from it all, lethargic and slow in body and mind. I have schizophrenia, how much is due to genetics? How much is due to poison in the brain? I can not concentrate, I can not focus, I am tired all the time, these fucking toxins have nearly destroyed me. My mind is muddled and confused from poisoning over many years. I have no ambition, I have no goals, my mind has been chained by toxins designed to kill life. I feel angry over something I had no control over, it is not fair, I was poisoned over many years and now I vomit shake and have problems of the brain and mind. I am on six different psych drugs to control the effects of the poisons, this is not fair, I did not choose this, it was thrust upon me. I am toxic.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
The frozen tundra of Rochester NY is bitter this January day, I am alone in this snow and ice and bitter cold despite my room mates, even around them I feel alone. I do not know what to do, my hands are shaking in fear and I do not know why, I struggle to understand my feelings in this arctic weather. I am afraid, afraid of every little noise outside my door, I tremble in fear and the biting cold air makes my fear worse. I hate my my fucking room mates, they do not care about me, they use me for money and cigarretes like I am a fucking corner store. I am helpless in my fear, I am paralyzed in fear as if I broke my back and spinal chord. I struggle in the bitter cold to stay motivated in life but the fear is strong and I am alone.
Posted by Unknown at 9:04 AM
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
The Sun is moving with nuclear explosions that dwarf the Earth, the mass eruptions of heat and x rays could destroy a planet that was to close to the storm. The surface of the Sun rips itself apart, ejecting heat and potential death and destruction millions of miles into space, Earth storms are just a breeze in comparison. It takes millions of years for one photon to travel and traverse from the center of the Sun to its surface. Magnetic tornadoes rip out from the Sun, fields twisted and bent into all manner of shapes, the magnetic poles of our star reverse each other, the magnitude of these things and their destructive beauty stagger the mind and light up the Earth with marvelous auroras, to gorgeous for words. The ferocious power of the Sun heat the Earth to the point of having life, The Sun when far away is not a destructive hydrogen bomb, but a giver of life, light and heat. It has been feared and worshipped as a god, today you may fear the Sun not because of god hood, but because of the violent nature of its energy.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
I am in a new state of existence, things have changed, I am in a superior place over the past places. There is a new hope now that I have moved to a better more quiet world. There is less chaos here, less fear, less pain in the soul. Of course not all the fear has gone, to some extent it is with me always in my psychosis, with the hallucinations and delusions, but less so in this new place of living. There is a new excitement here, a new hope filled with the awe of being alive, I have enthusiasm in life again, I had lost hope, but it has returned. I plan on moving forward again, not standing still or traveling backwards, but forward to a new future.