I am greatly confused, my mind is running in all directions, my thoughts are cluttered with delusion.
My paranoia grows stronger and stronger, I can not even leave the house thinking they are spying on me.
I hear voices, disembodied, though not real it feels as if they are real and I am frightened.
My medications, my drugs from western medicine are suppose to help reduce the fear and symptoms of psychosis.
My anxiety is born out of both psychosis and anxiety disorder, I am to afraid to go to sleep.
I have strange violent nightmares in my sleep when I am not crushed by insomnia.
The medications and drugs do help to lower my fear, panic, anxiety and fear and psychosis.
But the medications could be a ball and chain, they have side effects that are the price of psychosis being alleviated.
I once sought answers to my pain and confusion from God, in any form, any religion.
I wanted to believe that Christ could heal me of my insanity and delusion, I prayed to Christ for years and in many different ways.
I was Catholic, then I was Baptist, then I was Pentecostal, and then I was nondenominational.
Christ, if he exists, did nothing, my confusion and pain did not settle down or reduce through Christ.
I did not even try Allah of the mid-east, In that story I saw only violence and Islam with its own version of psychotic actions and disturbed minds, their confused, muddled, fanatical religion and God would not help me.
I sought unity with God in any form, any form that had a ring of truth, I wanted to believe that I was special, that I would find God and be under his care and protection.
But I started to ask questions.
How could the Bible or any Holy Scripture with its creation myth be true in how the world and Universe came into existence when I know of evolution and science and reason.
There are many things in people's Holy Books that are wrong or unproven.
I never saw Jesus walk on water, I never saw Lazuras rise from his tomb, I never saw wine from water.
I never saw Mohammed ride a winged horse to heaven. I have never seen the Catholic apparitions of the Virgin Mary.
Finally, I came to the conclusion there is no God or Gods in any form, and I rejected the supernatural of any kind, there is no proof of the supernatural.
I AM AN ATHEIST.
This path turned out to be the most rational path for me and my psychosis, religion only muddles the mind into delusions of God, demons, superstition, and the fake claims of religion.
Being an atheist was only half of the story of trying to reign in my insanity, I rid myself of childish fairy tales of an imaginary friend in the sky and I became less confused with something still missing.
Accidentally I came across a video on the web, a video of a man that supposedly been born and died five hundred years before Christ with no proof of this story either.
So, I read up on the Buddha and beliefs of over 450 million people.
I learned of reincarnation, rebirth and an endless cycle of pain and misery in an infinite number of lives in many forms, I rejected these as myth and legend.
I read of Kharma and its constant mindless role of the Universe to deal suffering to those who cause suffering and reward the compassionate with compassion.
I dismissed this as another unproven legend.
But even with the rejection of the supernatural in the Teachings of some schools of Buddhism there was something else.
The Dharma, the teachings and ideas of meditation.
I began to see what Buddhism really is if you strip it down to breathing, just breathing.
Staying in the moment, being aware of now and learning to control some of my insanity, Buddhism is a psychology and science of the mind 2,500 years before Freud.
I began to see a way to concentrating my mind through the sword of the Dharma, meditation and self reflection and disciplining the mind\
I was without the childish fairy tales of God, the supernatural of any kind.
But now I had a way to being more calm and rational, a way to control my mind through concentration on the present moment and learning not to spread suffering and to show compassion to all sentient beings.
Part of good mental health is breaking away from anger, bitterness, fear, resentment, grudges, retaliation or revenge.
I learned as my compassion for others grew, the calmer my mind became.
So the Dharma in my mind is science of the mind used for over 2,500 years, there is something to it.
I am less fearful now, less delusional, less psychotic.
Oh, I still take my drugs and chemicals for my mind, but what the chemicals could not do I did through concentrating on the moment, compassion for others and just being aware and not causing suffering and in many ways reducing the suffering of others and forgiving my enemies.
Anger is a feeling that is natural, but it is deadly when chronic and unchecked.
So, I am a Buddhist atheist.