For many many years I have used chemicals to influence, balance, control, moderate and manipulate my own mind.
The first choice ever that I made with a drug happened when I was twelve, I went to the grocery store and bought a package of 200 mg caffeine tablets and I swallowed six of them.
I did this to try and lift my mood, I was only 12 and did not know any better, I took in 1200 milligrams of caffeine.
The first thing I began to notice was rapidly increasing anxiety and then sheer panic and trembling set in, my body began to shake violently and vomited continuously.
I got my younger brother out of bed and told him he had to awaken my father to take me to the hospital and all the while I was vomiting in my fathers car nonstop.
The doctors ran tests for drugs and found nothing, those blood tests did not include trying to detect caffeine.
As my vomiting got worse the doctors started to believe I was having an appendicitis episode, they were getting ready to cut me open and remove my appendix when there was nothing wrong with it.
So, I reluctantly told the doctor and my father that I had ingested a large amount of caffeine for a twelve year old, They gave me medicine to control the vomiting and they refused to give me a tranquilizer to calm me down, they left me shaking in my own pain and discomfort.
When I was in a state run psychiatric hospital at eighteen the drug of choice for the doctors was Thorazine, they really pumped with the stuff.
It was for my temper outbursts, all I really got from it was restlessness that gave me a constant feeling that I was jumping and crawling out of my own skin for twenty four hours a day.
I also had many run ins with booze, pot, black hash and cocaine. These things just made my psychotic mind even worse.
When my father died in 2005 he left me thirty eight thousand dollars after taxes.
I promptly began to use the money to order illegal prescription drugs including amphetamine diet pills, tranquilizers like Ativan, Klonopin and Xanax.
I ripped through all thirty eight thousand dollars to zero cents left.
I have taken many different, legally prescribed drugs for many different ailments.
I was popping for depression, I was popping for anxiety, I was popping for Schizophrenia, I was popping for paranoia and other delusions. I was popping for hallucinations.
My mind has become a chemical soup, many different drugs were and are still in my brain, I would not know anymore how to cope with life without these chemicals saturating my brain like water in a sponge