Friday, December 30, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow. Drugs and Me

For many many years I have used chemicals to influence, balance,  control, moderate and manipulate my own mind.
The first choice ever that I made with a drug happened when I was twelve, I went to the grocery store and bought a package of 200 mg caffeine tablets and I swallowed six of them.
I did this to try and lift my mood, I was only 12 and did not know any better, I took in 1200 milligrams of caffeine.
The first thing I began to notice was rapidly increasing anxiety and then sheer panic and trembling set in, my body began to shake violently and vomited continuously.
I got my younger brother out of bed and told him he had to awaken my father to take me to the hospital and all the while I was vomiting in my fathers car nonstop.
The doctors ran tests for drugs and found nothing, those blood tests did not include trying to detect caffeine.
As my vomiting got worse the doctors started to believe I was having an appendicitis episode, they were getting ready to cut me open and remove my appendix when there was nothing wrong with it.
So, I reluctantly told the doctor and my father that I had ingested a large amount of caffeine for a twelve year old, They gave me medicine to control the vomiting and they refused to give me a tranquilizer to calm me down, they left me shaking in my own pain and discomfort.
When I was in a state run psychiatric hospital at eighteen the drug of choice for the doctors was Thorazine, they really pumped  with the stuff.
It was for my temper outbursts, all I really got from it was restlessness that gave me a constant feeling that I was jumping and crawling out of my own skin for twenty four hours a day.
I also had many run ins with booze, pot, black hash and cocaine. These things just made my psychotic mind even worse.
When my father died in 2005 he left me thirty eight thousand dollars after taxes.
I promptly began to use the money to order illegal prescription drugs including amphetamine diet pills, tranquilizers like Ativan, Klonopin and Xanax.
I ripped through all thirty eight thousand dollars to zero cents left.
I have taken many different, legally prescribed drugs for many different ailments.
I was popping for depression, I was popping for anxiety, I was popping for Schizophrenia, I was popping for paranoia and other delusions. I was popping for hallucinations.
My mind has become a chemical soup, many different drugs were and are still in my brain, I would not know anymore how to cope with life without these chemicals saturating my brain like water in a sponge

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Combat Veterans and Mental Health

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Antitheses

I am the  Antitheses of sanity, my mind is crumbling, it is breaking into pieces, it is no longer whole.
I see people around me everyday and if they could read my mind they would find muddled confusion.
My thoughts are racing in all directions and nothing is solid or strong or enduring, everything is transient and unstable.
I see and hear things that are not their for other people to know of or experience, I live in a cave.
I am the Antitheses of normalcy, I have no wife, no children, no family to bond with, I just have insanity.
My brothers and sisters, all eight of them have children and grandchildren  and I have nothing but psychosis.
The empty bubble I live in is empty and devoid of all good things and its outer shield is strong, it keeps out family and friends.
I am the Antitheses of love, I hate everyone, both known and stranger, I despise my family, I despise myself.
I once struggled to be normal, it was important to me to try to be like and fit in with my high school and college friends.
I drank alcohol and smoked weed, all in an effort to be with the in crowd and I failed at it, and even now I still do.
I have never fit in anywhere, for I am the Antitheses of friends and friendliness, I am the Enemy of love.
I am the Antithesis of good health, my mind is weighed down by depression and  psychosis, my body is weighed down by vomit and pain.
I wallow in my bed on a dirty mattress covered in the dust and excrement of dust mites, I am always sick, vomiting everyday.
I am the Antitheses of greatness and importance, I am small and insignificant, no one sees me, I am invisible.
I sit here in the dark, it is winter and it is cold, I am nauseated all of the time now, I am disease.
I smoke my tobacco in lonely isolation slowly poisoning my body and making ill health even worse.
I am the Antitheses of beauty, I am ugly and revolting, I am ashamed to go out in public, I am alone.
I am the Antitheses of courage and strength, I am a coward who shakes and trembles in fear, I help no one, I do not put myself at risk to help or protect others if they are in need, pain or trouble.
I am the Antitheses of you, I have no friends and you do.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, The Evil Never Stops.

It is endless, it goes on and on without respite or relief, the pain is continuous and never ending.
I can smell the evil in this world, the stench is pervasive, it seeps into all areas of my life ever so quietly.
I am afraid and I do not feel safe, I am afraid of many different things and people I see as evil or malevolent.
I am suspicious of every sound and noise, every creaking sound makes me nervous, every loud noise makes me jump
I walk down the street and I can see evil in everyone's eyes, It seems so real and vivid, the presence of this evil.
I try ever so hard to fight it, I struggle endlessly against it and I do not feel like I am winning the war against this evil.
This is not evil from Satan, no, this evil comes easily to and from human beings, the evil in this world comes from people that need no help to be evil, Satan is not real nor a good excuse.
When people commit acts of evil they are doing it of their own volition, they make a choice to do this.
I look at my three room mates in disgust, they smell of this dripping evil, they are soaked in it.
My family as well is from the dark places of evil, they were never anything but cruel and were liars.
My sister smelled this evil in my family and she was filled with despair, she blew of her face with a shotgun.
That will not be my response to evil nor will violence, I will not become evil because of evil, I can do better than that.
I am so very tired of this stench of evil, I can not breathe clearly.
It is Christmas today, a waste of time, there is no God, there are no Gods, Satan or demons, these are childish fantasies used by adults who are to weak to cope with life and its evil.
I use to think like a Roman Catholic, I use to think certain things like sex or music were evil and an offense against God and Jesus.
These things are not evil, they are normal parts of the world, they are a natural part of us as human beings.
The real evil keeps secrets and tells things to no one, its intentions are hidden, they are cloaked in darkness and deception.
I am growing weary of this force that surrounds me, I do not want this struggle anymore, I want it to stop.
And what of me? Am I evil as well? Am I no better than they?
I am human and I see humans as being evil, so I guess I am evil as well.
There is nothing good left in my heart, it has all been crowded out by this evil that will not stop causing me pain.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Sword of the Dharma

I am greatly confused, my mind is running in all directions, my thoughts are cluttered with delusion.
My paranoia grows stronger and stronger, I can not even leave the house thinking they are spying on me.
I hear voices, disembodied, though not real it feels as if they are real and I am frightened.
My medications, my drugs from western medicine are suppose to help reduce the fear and symptoms of psychosis.
My anxiety is born out of both psychosis and anxiety disorder, I am to afraid to go to sleep.
I have strange violent nightmares in my sleep when I am not crushed by insomnia.
The medications and drugs do help to lower my fear, panic, anxiety and fear and psychosis.
But the medications could be a ball and chain, they have side effects that are the price of psychosis being alleviated.
I once sought answers to my pain and confusion from God, in any form, any religion.
I wanted to believe that Christ could heal me of my insanity and delusion, I prayed to Christ for years and in many different ways.
I was Catholic, then I was Baptist, then I was Pentecostal, and then I was nondenominational.
Christ, if he exists, did nothing, my confusion and pain did not settle down or reduce through Christ.
I did not even try Allah of the mid-east, In that story I saw only violence and Islam with its own version of psychotic actions and disturbed minds, their confused, muddled, fanatical religion and God would not help me.
I sought unity with God in any form, any form that had a ring of truth, I wanted to believe that I was special, that I would find God and be under his care and protection.
But I started to ask questions.
How could the Bible or any Holy Scripture with its creation myth be true in how the world and Universe came into existence when I know of evolution and science and reason.
There are many things in people's Holy Books that are wrong or unproven.
I never saw Jesus walk on water, I never saw Lazuras rise from his tomb, I never saw wine from water.
I never saw Mohammed ride a winged horse to heaven.  I have never seen the Catholic apparitions of the Virgin Mary.
Finally, I came to the conclusion there is no God or Gods in any form, and I rejected the supernatural of any kind, there is no proof of the supernatural.
This path turned out to be the most rational path for me and my psychosis, religion only muddles the mind into delusions of God, demons, superstition, and the fake claims of religion.
Being  an atheist was only half of the story of trying to reign in my insanity, I rid myself of childish fairy tales of an imaginary friend in the sky and I became less confused with something still missing.
Accidentally I came across a video on the web, a video of a man that supposedly been born and died five hundred years before Christ with no proof of this story either.
So, I read up on the Buddha and beliefs of over 450 million people.
I learned of reincarnation, rebirth and an endless cycle of pain and misery in an infinite number of lives in many forms, I rejected these as myth and legend.
I read of Kharma and its constant mindless role of the Universe to deal suffering to those who cause suffering and reward the compassionate with compassion.
I dismissed this as another unproven legend.
But even with the rejection of the supernatural in the Teachings of some schools of Buddhism there was something else.
The Dharma, the teachings and ideas of meditation.
I began to see what Buddhism really is if you strip it down to breathing, just breathing.
Staying in the moment, being aware of now and learning to control some of my insanity, Buddhism is a psychology and science of the mind 2,500 years before Freud.
I began to see a way to concentrating my mind through the sword of the Dharma, meditation and self reflection and disciplining the mind\
I was without the childish fairy tales of God, the supernatural of any kind.
But now I had a way to being more calm and rational, a way to control my mind through concentration on the present moment and learning not to spread suffering and to show compassion to all sentient beings.
Part of good mental health is breaking away from anger, bitterness, fear, resentment, grudges, retaliation or revenge.
I learned as my compassion for others grew, the calmer my mind became.
So the Dharma in my mind is science of the mind used for over 2,500 years, there is something to it.
I am less fearful now, less delusional, less psychotic.
Oh, I still take my drugs and chemicals for my mind, but what the chemicals could not do I did through concentrating on the moment, compassion for others and just being aware and not causing suffering and in many ways reducing the suffering of others and forgiving my enemies.
Anger is a feeling that is natural, but it is deadly when chronic and unchecked.
So, I am a Buddhist atheist.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Race

What is a race, I mean who decides?
I am told I am white, others are told they are black.  Different races right?
If I see a Chinese person on the streets of New York City in China Town is he Asian or Chinese?
Most Americans would not know the difference between a Chinese person and a Japanese person, to us they are kindred spirits, they are of the same race, Asian, right?
I think the Japanese and Chinese would disagree they are both of the same  race, they do hate each other.
Even before and during World War 2 the Imperial Japanese military invaded much of Asia.
When they conquered large parts of China and Manchuria, the Japanese killed ethnic Chinese and Manchurians by the hundreds of thousands if not millions.
The logic in the Imperial Japanese military mind was that the Chinese were a distinct and inferior race separate from the Japanese race.
The Japanese, so they were told by their Emperor and generals, were a superior race over any other in Asia, those not Japanese deserved either slavery or extinction.
The Chinese for their part were not much better in race relations with its neighbors or defining what the word race even means.
After the Reds took China, Red China took Tibet, partly on the idea that Tibet rightfully belonged to China but also on the premise that Tibetans were inferior to the Chinese race, what ever that means.
The Nazis for their part saw the so called Aryan Race, or the Nordics, as being a superior super race, not just whites in Europe in general, but just the Aryan Nordics.
As far as Hitler was concerned, other whites were inferior and could go fuck themselves.
To the Germans some Jews may look white or Aryan in every way and still neither be white nor Aryan.
Are Russians or Poles any less white than the French or English?
Hitler saw Eastern Europe as a set of nations of the inferior Slavic races.
Actually Eastern Europeans are just as white as anyone else in Europe.
So my question to any racist in any part of the world would be this, going back to the basics,  WHAT DOES THE WORD RACE EVEN MEAN AND WHO DECIDES WHAT GROUP OF PEOPLE MAKE UP SPECIFIC RACES?

Saturday, December 3, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Right Wing

The left has been betrayed, it has been taken over by  left wing fascists.
The left was once a champion of the poor and minorities, the disabled, gays and the marginalized.
They were once classic liberals fighting for the universal concepts of voting, democracy, free speech, freedom of the press and freedom to peaceably assemble in protests, universal suffrage, no discrimination based on race, religion, nationality, color or creed.
Classic liberals wanted a no discrimination state of equality for individuals getting the same and equal opportunity to try to succeed based on their skills, merits, and  hard work.
The left once wanted individual freedoms for individual people and not just groups of people.
Now the far left, the progressive left, has become a danger to freedom and our Constitutional Republic.
They are in the streets today and in  the past three weeks were violently protesting a fair and legal election of a one Donald Trump.
They are marching in the streets calling for the assassination of police officers, and five officers were executed in Texas, in an atmosphere of calling for violence by the left.
There were black teenagers dragging white people out of their cars caught on cell phone video and brutally attacking with punches, kicks, and other extreme violence just for the fact they were white and possibly voted for Donald Trump.
The far left has taken over many universities and colleges, screaming at public speakers they did not want to speak because they did not agree with their opinions.
The far left has used bomb threats and tripping fire alarms to try to break up or stop a speaking event that they, the left, disagreed with.
Left wing Marxist university professors have seized control of campuses and the young minds there.
The left has many extremist elements of third wave feminism, social justice warriors, Marxism, Cultural Marxism, identity politics, intersectionality , collectivists, and left wing fascist thugs burning cars, cities and property that does not belong to them,
These street thugs are the storm troopers of the left, just without all of the Nazi Storm troopers uniforms, their tactics on the left however are  the same as the 1930's storm troopers, using violence, fist fights, beatings, rioting and clashing with the political opposition.
The left has been betrayed and now the far left are beginning to understand they are beginning to lose ground and power both socially and politically, so they resort to violence, threats, intimidation, public shaming to stop their opponents out of desperation over the fact they are losing.
And so it goes, the left ignores issues like Islamic terrorism, Muslim countries killing gays in public hangings, the oppression of women and violence against them in Muslim countries.
The left pretends it is fighting for groups of the oppressed, blacks, gays, women, Latinos, transgender people, bisexuals, lesbians, Native Americans but the left ignores the violence and murder of women throughout the Muslim world, feminism does not seem to care about women in backward Muslim hell holes like Syria, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and all the rest.
Well this betrayal of the left and with the far extreme left ignoring important issues like terrorism, people are turning to the right, to discuss and try to solve problems the left has abandoned.
The left ignores the mutilation of the genitals of young girls in Muslim countries, yet pretending to be fighting for the rights and safety of women and girls.
The right is growing, they are tired of being called racist and fascists, they are tired of fascist violence from the left.
The right is gaining ground throughout the West, and the leftists made it happen.