Wednesday, April 27, 2016

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Urges.

I have the urges, the addictions, the cravings for things and people outside of myself, I burn like fire to try to find happiness and peace of mind and soul in those things that are outside of myself.  These addictions and cravings do not deliver on their false promises and hopes of serenity and joy, the external things, sex, drugs, booze, nicotine, food, all fail to deliver.  I am afraid though to let go of them, I am use to them now, I have been for decades now, I do not know how to leave these abusive relationships with these things, the thought of leaving them behind forever frightens me. I am constantly running to these cravings like a man or woman runs back to a physically violent and abusive romantic partner or spouse, there is no logic in it.  I think people are drawn back to what they already know, they return to danger because danger has always been with them.  I know all the facts about these dangers, sex and AIDS and STDs, booze and liver failure, nicotine and cancer, drugs and withdrawal, food and obesity.  Jesus fucking Christ this is hard, hard to leave behind these evil desires.  They are not evil in the God or Satan sense of evil, they are evil because of the suffering they bring to body, mind and soul, mine and others as well.  I am crushed by the weight of the idea of the pain of withdrawal, the pain of moving on to greener alleys, for new adventures of freedom and not being a slave anymore.  It is slavery, you know, as real as the slaves of the South once were.  Those slaves suffered the torture of chains, the lash and lynchings.  My enslavement is no less real, my masters threaten to punish me if I leave, I am scared to run away, I am use to slavery, I can no longer remember a time when I was not a slave, I was seven or eight years old when my addictions and cravings started, I was a slave very early on, I was reacting to abuse by hiding in addiction and compulsive distraction, it has been more than forty years of slavery, and I do not know how to break free.

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