Tuesday, March 1, 2016
A Poem by Gary G Pelow, Deprivation.
The deprivation has horrible results for this schizophrenic, deprivation of sleep, it robs me of empathy for myself and others, it shortens my temper and creates irritation in me, it makes me more explosive in my dealings with other human beings. I am angry all the time now during the day, tossing and turning all night, my stupid fucking room mates are no help, they are loud and disruptive at night with the fucking tv or radio blaring loudly I wish they would fucking stop, and for some reason I am afraid to confront them, so I suffer in silence as I write this. The constant shift in my environment also robs me of sleep, my landlord is constantly changing my room mates, disorienting me with severe anxiety attacks due to people coming and going here where I live, or exist. This can not be called living, just surviving or existing. My fear and anxiety pound away at me every night, keeping me locked into a viscous cycle of fear, anger, anxiety and insomnia in a feedback loop that is uninterrupted and exhausting, creating the risk or need to be put in a psychiatric hospital, it has happened to me before, going to the emergency room for insomnia induced or worsened psychosis. I am angry, I am alone and isolated, I struggle to cope, to keep my schedule of daily tasks and errands and work. I will be seeing the shrink in two days, I will struggle on until then, I will wait this out and do the best I can to stay alive and well.