Sunday, November 29, 2015
There is a house on the corner, there is somebody who lives there who is just not right, he is always alone, nervous, looking frightened all the time. There seems on the surface of things that he is completely empty inside, devoid of any possibility for love, friendship, companionship. The sky in his world is always dark and the air always cold. His heart beats cold with anger and rage just barely under control, but it is seemingly under control none the less. There is psychotic boredom there if there is such a thing in his strange empty reality. However, he is still physically alive, he has not given up, he will not give up, his sister gave up with a shot gun blast to her head. The thought of deliberate self caused death or violence toward others is disgustingly immoral to him, these are not an option, surrender to hs imaginary enemies or despair will not happen, if for no other reason than that he hates to lose, so existence is victory enough.
Friday, November 27, 2015
THE KEY TO YOUR SANITY LIES DEEP INSIDE OF YOU, WHEN THERE IS HATE AND ANGER, THERE IS NO SANITY, THE KEY YOU DESIRE TO REGAIN YOUR MIND LIES IN FORGIVENESS, FORGIVENESS FOR EVEN THE MOST TERRIBLE BETRAYALS. THIS FORGIVENESS YOU MUSTER IS NOT FOR THE BENEFIT OF THOSE WHO HAVE HARMED YOU, BUT FOR YOU AND YOUR MIND, YOUR BENEFIT. WHEN YOU EMBRACE THE CAUSTIC ACID OF GRUDGES, RETALIATION AND REVENGE, YOU PUMP CORTISOL AND ADRENALINE INTO YOUR BLOOD THAT BURNS YOUR BODY, HEART AND MIND, NOT THAT OF YOUR ENEMIES. THEY DO NOT CARE IF YOU ARE ANGRY, NOR ARE THEY EFFECTED BY IT, BUT YOU ARE. FORGIVENESS IS TO RELEASE YOU AND BRING YOU BACK TO HEALTH. FORGIVENESS IS NOT ABOUT SOME MISGUIDED DRIVEL OF CHRISTIANITY TO LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, IT IS ABOUT YOU, AND WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, THIS IS NOT SELFISHNESS, BUT FREEDOM, FREEDOM TO LIVE AGAIN.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
THE PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING, MY ABDOMEN BULGES, DISTENDED, I SEEK RELIEF AND FIND NONE. MY HEAD IS SWIMMING IN AGONY AND CONFUSION, BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL, THE BACK OF MY NECK IS STIFF WITH TENSION AND HURT, MY MIND IS BORED AND CONFUSED TODAY, I TRY TO STICK TO MY SCHIZOPHRENIC SCHEDULE, I TRY TO FIGHT THROUGH THE BOREDOM AND PAIN OF THIS DAY TO STAY ACTIVE AND SANE. THERE IS NO ONE HERE BUT ME AS I TYPE THIS IN SHEER BOREDOM AND LONELINESS. THERE IS JUST THE DRONING, MADDENING SOUNDS OF THE FANS IN MY ROOM, WHITE NOISE TO BOTH OCCUPY MY MIND AND AT THE SAME TIME MAKE IT SCREAM IN MONOTINY AND FEAR. I TRY MY BEST EVERYDAY TO COPE, TO SURVIVE, TO LOVE OTHERS DESPITE THE RAGE IN MY HEART AND THE HURT OF MY SOUL. I SEEK TO HARM NO ONE, NOR MYSELF, I ONLY SEEK CALM AND PEACE IN QUIET MEDITATION, IN THE MIDDLE OF PSYCHOSIS.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
I WRITE THIS IN CAPS, I MUST CONVEY MY EMOTIONS LOUDLY AND CLEARLY, I AM ALONE, THERE IS NOBODY HERE, I WRITE THIS IN DEEP DEPRESSION AND EMPTINESS. THERE IS NO ONE HERE, THERE IS JUST THE GHOSTS OF MY BRUTAL PAST THAT HAUNT ME, THE GHOSTS OF MY DRUNKEN DEAD MOTHER, THE GHOSTS OF MY EVIL ABUSIVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, WHO EVEN TODAY SPREAD RUMORS AND LIES ABOUT ME IN AN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY MY LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS. I AM WRITHING WITH RAGE, MY BODY IS SHAKING, I SEEK REVENGE BUT CAN HAVE NONE, JAIL AWAITS ME IF I SEEK VENGEANCE, SO THERE WILL BE NO RETALIATION FROM ME TO THEM, I CAN NOT LET THEM DESTROY ME THROUGH MY OWN STUPID MISTAKES THAT WOULD PUT ME IN PRISON, I HAVE CONTROL OVER MYSELF, NOT THEM, I CHOOSE HOW TO REACT TO OTHERS WITH OUT CONTROLING WHAT THEY DO.
Monday, November 23, 2015
THE BOREDOM AND FEAR, THEY ARE PRONOUNCE, PRONOUNCE ENOUGH TO YELL IN AGONY OVER THEM, I HAVE NO MOTIVATION BECAUSE OF THEM, THEY STOP ME IN MY TRACKS, I SCREAM IN THE FUCKING MONOTINY OF MY FUCKING BORING EXISTENCE. I AM USELESS, I AM ALONE, WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY? WHERE HAVE THEY GONE? ARE THERE LIVES MORE BUSY AND WORTH WHILE THEN MY OWN? WHY DO THEY GO ABOUT DOING IMPORTANT THINGS AND WHY DO I ROT IN THIS FUCKING ANGRY MISERY? WHY DO I HAVE NO FRIENDS? THE PEOPLE AROUND ME MOVE ABOUT, MOTIVATED TO GREATNESS, MOTIVATED TO DO THE ACTIVITIES TOWARD GREAT OUTCOMES, AND I AM MOTIVATED TO SLEEP ALL DAY AND GROW TO BE A FAT, LAZY SLOB. THANKSGIVING IN AMERICA IS COMING IN THREE DAYS, AND I AM FUCKING ALONE, FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE LEFT ME, FUCK YOU AND YOUR HAPPY HOLIDAYS I CAN NOT HAVE WITH YOU, FUCK ALL OF YOU.
Friday, November 20, 2015
The heart is hardening, the vessels clogged, the flow of life blood is apparently slower, there is no easy answer to the hardening of the heart. I seek to have no pain, no heart attack, the heart is fickle in sickness and health, but more so in sickness, more likely to have an empty hole in the heart, not easily filled in. I am in pain, my chest tightening up, a great pressure bearing down on it like an elephant sitting on my chest, Jesus fucking Christ what do I do ? I am lost in a sea of agonizing pain. The normal cures, the most familiar ones no longer work to heal my pain. I seek respite and find no rest from the pain in my heart. The fact is she is gone, gone from my life, gone from my heart, you see the suffering is not in the physical, actual heart, but the one in my soul, Sue has moved on and I have not, I am stuck in the past, missing her in my jealousy, drowning in pain. She is gone but not from my soul, I have had a heart attack in my spirit worse than anything physical in my blood pumping heart.
Monday, November 16, 2015
The nerve of some people is astounding to me, what right do they have to hit me? To sucker punch me like the cowards they are? I seek justice for this violence against me, they will pay with jail, they will receive their just deserts. The law is on my side and I WILL SHOW NO MERCY TO THIS FUCKIING CRIMIINAL AND HIS COWARDICE!. I am afraid all the time because of this asshole, my hands are shaking from the fear, like I am having seizures, seizures of post trauma. They had no right to attack me, I did nothing wrong, he was caught up in psychosis, in severe disconnection from reality., yet that is no excuse. How would it be if I was violent and tried to excuse it on the grounds of mental illness? There would be no mercy from the law for me, there would only be punishment and legal revenge against me for my crimes. I will show no mercy for my enemy of violence, there would be none for me. I feel nothing but rage over this violence like a pressure cooker overheating, ready to explode, to press charges against this fucking poor excuse for a human being, he is a fuckiing animal, a nonperson.