Thursday, April 30, 2015


The conservative, what does he or she want? What role in the USA and the world do they want or seem to need? What are their tools and weapons used to influence you and me? RELIGION, HATE AND FEAR, ARE THERE TOOLS, THEOCRACY IS THEIR AGENDA. From Al queda to JOHN HAGEE MINISTERYS, they claw for power in the name of GODS they can not prove are real.  They have obvious hatreds, racism and sexism and homophobia are the most obvious of their evil tools of power, yet there are more important suttle dangers in our midst.  The conservative wants you as a slave, a slave to fear, anger hate and not learning to mind your own fucking business. Why the fuck would they care who you sleep with? It effects them not, why do they care if my wife gives me a blow job? IT DOES NOT EFFECT THEM IN ANYWAY, YET THEY BELIVE IN THE RIGHT TO INVADE  YOUR PRIVACY THROUGH FAKE GODS AND DEMONS, THESE EVIL RIGHT WING LIARS WHO BETRAY AMERICAN DEMOCRACY, make no mistake there is no practical difference in the religous fanatics agenda in any flavor, John Hagee is our version of theocratic Al queda, attempting to control and smash democracy based on the lie of America being a christian country established by christians, I call them out on this lie,  the founding fathers were deists and unitarians, not christians, i.e. Thomas Jefferson. DO NOT GIVE THE THEOCRATICS MONEY OR POWER, BE THEY MUSLIM, CHRISTIAN, JEW, HINDU PROTESTANT, CATHOLIC ETC..

Wednesday, April 29, 2015


What is the cost of sanity in the world of mental illness? Is it a dropped white blood cell count leading to infection? Is it a dry mouth or drooling of spit in the over active mouth in spit production? Is it the aspiration pnuemonia and choking that comes from this excess saliva? It is all of these things and more depending on the chemicals used to treat insanity, confusion and psychosis, another cost demanding payment for sanity are trembling hands and unwanted mouth and tongue movements, it is also a price paid in the form of nuerology and muscle problems that cause physical pain. However, despite the assholes of Scientology and other antipsychiatry groups, the price is worth it to feel less paranoid, experience less delusion and hallucinations, as is the similar approach to cancer treatment, when extremely painful radiation and poisons that cause you to vomit are standard cancer treatmennt approaches despite the torture of using them, with hair loss, second degree burns and puking, the goal is to live and stay alive beyond mere existence and fully living, psychiatry should not have a seperate set of expectations of suffering due to treatment that is any different from any medical practice.

Monday, April 27, 2015


The itch is back, the need to scratch and than bleed, this scabies scourge is barbaric with itching and rash, I scratch and scratcch to the point of drawing blood through sores and scabies digging tunnels, this filthy apartment, infested with mites, the scratching hurts and draws blood and I do not know how to stop it, this itch, this scourge, calomine lotion, psoriasis cream used to no avail, I try hard to cope, to reduce the scratching and stop spreading the eggs of mites all over the place, yet the scratching continues and the mites continue to dig through my epidermis, my skin, to lay more eggs, to infest me further.  I am losing my patience, temper and I am filled with anxiety, I struggle through my day with mites and my psychosis, I do not know how it will end, we shall see.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

A poem by author /poet GARY G PELOW, THE SHAKES

I am shaky today, nervous and agitated by this fucking meds meant to calm , instead aggravate, aggravate my symptoms of agitacion, making my anxiety and anger all the more intense, I do not know what to do, I want to scream and yell and hit in my rage and yet jail would be  waiting for me, so I do not lose it, my self control.  Instead I SUFFER SIILENTLY,  I am afraid, nervous and uncertain as what to do to stay busy, to stay occupied in this internal chaos.  Things are spinning out of control, my inner universe is being torn apart inside of me and I am helpless to stop it.  I do not understand this kinetic energy of confusion, why it will not stop and instead spins my mind and soul into confusion and fear.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

A poem by author/poet GARY G PELOW, THE KIND.

What kind does it take to ignore the mentally ill? What kind of human being shuts their eyes to the homeless and destitute?  Is it these people are psychopaths who do not care for their fellow humans? Are they concerned about themselves only because they have no conscience or empathy?  No, I do not believe that is the call to indifferance to the mentally ill man or woman on the streets, or even those who have a place to live, no, the  indifferance is caused by overwhelming fatigue of many different social problems from war to hunger that forces people to become numb to the misery of others. I do not know the answer to this problem, I only point it out here.  Perhaps there is no solution, I suppose we could all surrender reality to mental blockage for the sake of our own sanity and mental health, yet what happens if YOU are the next to be mentally ill, an occurence that is not predictable?

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


The cold is here, both of heart and air, these will be difficult times ahead in the frosty weather and the cold human heart.  It is a difficult struggle to reach the warmth of love and  fire in this cold snap, the process is grueling to melt the ice of the defeated human spirit and soul.  I do not know the best approach to this dilemna of hot and cold seasons and people, perhaps we must all find our own path to peace, with out the false peace and lies of a monotheistic god, we are to old for fairy tales and imaginary friends in the great monotheisms of the world.  There is nothing colder than lies and false hope and false promises of eternal life, the life you have is now, the one and only present, the experiences you have now is all the unverse has for you, live well and morally now, there is no later on or second chance, do you really want to waste the times you do have for those that do not exist in the future of death?

Sunday, April 19, 2015


They have the advantage, these evil people who run welfare shit hotels crawling with vermon, bed bugs, scabes, roaches, rats and mice. They have the advantage on the mentally ill who have no place to go but these centers of hell. The  mentally ill turned out from closed asylums of the state to the street have no choices, and the evil ones know this.  They are legally robbed of cash and resources by the filthy boarder room houses and drug infested hotels, who threaten them with homelessness if the outragous rent is not paid on time, or late only by a few hours, this is especially evil and hideous in the winter, when tempertures drop to killing low levels and the snow 2 or 3 feet deep.  The social services of most states do nothing to punish, warn or correct this evil , disgusting practice, the planners of hospital closings had no plan, no plan but to dump people like human garbage in hotels that expose children to drugs, pedophiles, and violence, can you imagine being a child in such conditions?  I have seen it first hand, families as well as the mentally ill are raped emotionally and financially by these hell holes. Some would prefer to sleep on a fucking sidewalk rather than endure these violent vicious places, the only alternative is jail, this was an unintended consequence of setting us free from state hospitals only to be enslaved in countyb jails.

Thursday, April 16, 2015


Why is there so much pain?
In our bodies and our minds, the pain of mental illness is intransient, it does not budge or move even under pressure of drugs, there seems to be no way out, the pain shakes me to my core, it rattles my sanity, tests my patience.  I do not know how to plan around this, or fight it, this schizoid disease? Maybe you can help, maybe you cant or wont help me fight this war of body, mind and soul.  Why should you care of me you ask, I am but a stranger to you, not very present in your life to justify the risk of helping or assisting me.  I AM ALONE,  that message has been clear to me since second grade and the cruel children of my youth who torture me even still after all this time and distance, they had no right to hurt me body, mind, soul and spirit, yet they did none the less.  PEACE is all I seek, not revenge or retaliation to the ghosts of the past.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


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The stand must be taken, they have no right to get away with this, this noise and confusion, the loud music is blasting, and I am pounding on the floor to send a message to those who are below me, physically and mentally beneath me, they are losers, scum of this world, lazy, unemployed, drugged up and drugged down into a stupor of calm, the need it to get through the worthlless, miserable lives that have no meaning or purpose, they drowned their own pain with noise and chemicals, these pathetic people beneath me.  I wish I could tell them to go fuck themselves in their own assholes, these filthy animals of confusion, of fear, of uncertainty, they have no right to do this, I would be in the right and just moral position to complain, to harrass them in retaliation and noise, they would not listen, they would not care these antisocial criminals of confusion, my schizophrenia is tested today, do I have the strength to persist and win? I will go forward, despite the fear, noise, confusion, anger and chaos all around me, yes my schizophrenia is being tested today, everyday, I am enraged at my own weakness as much I am of them.  I rage inside, paranoid and afraid, not knowing how to proceed in my panic, fear and confusion.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015


Well we have done it, and started the new strategy against my psychosis and confusion, we have removed the ineffective tool of Zyprexa, and I am slowly using a new tool to deal with my illness, I am somewhat scared and excited, a new hope against paranoia and suspicion that may or may not control my insanity.  There is a new optimism with this news, yet it is filled with trepidation and worry, what if it does not work? What if I am left hanging spinning in the tornado of psychosis and deadly side effects? There are some dangers in this game of psychiatry, a game of risk with my life at steak, either this will or will not work, there lies also quietly the risk of white blood cell numbers being thrown into chaos and death may result, or the result will be neutral or effective against my paranoia and fears, my head is spinning in confusion, noises outside my door, they not knowing or caring of my chemical plight.  It is true to be fair to others, I have not been sharing my private struggle with anyone, how could they know what I do not reveal?  Maybe the voices and visions will finally end my torment in mental chaos or not.  I am alone in this, or so it feels that I am alone, in this journey of self discovery, just me' the psychotherapist and the shrink are aware of these events, those who need to know do know, the rest is none of their business.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

A poem by author/poet GARY G PELOW, THE ONE

Is she the one, I must know her, I must learn her and her ways.  Who has been her consort before? What were they like? Did they treat her right, as a proud individual woman with the power of her intellect?  If I learn these facts of her loves from the distant past, I think my chances of being her guide in the present form of love.  I seek to be in her, to be consumed by her, I will ask many questions of her friends and family, I need to know who and how she loves.  Time is shorter now, the need of her company in me is energized by my few years I have left, as I pass the half century mark in the twenty first century, born of the twentieth, I seek to love her, to not be a

one as the picture of this movie fades into history.  I yearn for the agape love from her that only a goddess like her can give.  GODDESS is not an exageration, it is truly what she is, this is also  a frightening reality, am I worthy of her?

 Do I try or give up as a foregone conclusion? I can still love, even after Arlene, my common wife of ten years I lost to AIDS and random chance, would she approve of my choice? Can she see me now with a smile on her face as she is pleased I still can love? Of course no one can replace the original, yet I can love somebody else as much but for different reasons, people of love are not interchangeable car parts where exact copies replace the old.  I must learn of her, about her and for her, she deserves the best but may settle for me, a humble man of written words

Friday, April 10, 2015

A poem by author and poet GARY G PELOW, THE TREMBLES.

There is no reason for it, my fear and trembling hands, my fear being up and out of control.  The trembling is pronounced and seen by many, a simple act of observation reveals this this truth, the truth of my hellish anxiety and worry, I seek release from pain and serenity in my heart along with contentment and peace.  There is no going back, back to familiar places long sinced vanished from childhood and the friends that I had are faded memories. Are they happier than me? Are their careers a success?  I  on the other hand am stuck in mental disability and poverty of the soul.  Winds are blowing today, grey and windy' enough to break trees, this makes me more afraid like a puppy that is fearful of  thunder.  I am startled by small and insignificant issues and none problems, non issues.  I am tired, I tremble, I shake, I look over my shoulder, are they following me, trying to hurt me and cause fear, my imagined enemies?  This feels like there is no hope or rest from psychosis and pain of the soul, I would rather have cancer than five decades of mental torment, yet I am still here, does that by itself create hope? We wil see as I MOVE AHEAD WHILE TREMBLING FOM FEAR.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

A poem by author/poet GARY G PELOW, I do not understand.

Today I saw him again, that hallucination of a person following me, trying to attack me, or was he real?  If so what does he want from me? Why do they appear to me? I am surrounded by enemies where ever I go, I am scared in my psychosis and the things that I see frighten me.  Why do they crowd me, my enemies? I seek to know the truth of reality or lack of it. I do not want to be hurt or harrassed, by these evil phantoms that pursue me. What the fuck is reality any way? Is it just in our brains or is the universe real in its infinity, my hands are shaking, the first symptom of a nervous break down, a break from reality into psychosis and fear, these demons of the dead haunt me, I have no evidence, it is best to keep it close to my vest these schizophrenic delusions and paranoia, hallucinations and suspicion, no one will help or are unable to.  We all act the same parts with different faces, no one will care or listen to me.  How do I relate to others of twilight psychoses, I can not run, they are everywhere and I am lone.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

A poem by author/poet GARY G PELOW, The day she died.

It is approaching rapidly, that Friday the 13th of 2001, the day she died of AIDS, the day I was left alone to fight life  without her presence. I despise Easter, it has been 14 years of loneliness and dreams that she has some how returned to me, out of death and back into life. How I wish I could take comfort in the god fantasy that is not real.  The pain of her being gone is strong enough, almost, to make me believe in an imaginary friend in the sky who now has her, my beloved Arlene, worshiipping at his feet, such a lie is seductive in many ways, how do you lose a person to things like Cancer and AIDS, and tell the living there is no god to greet them and preserved for them eternity?  I can not participate in such an obscenity of lying to avoid pain, how utterly evil and dishonest that is, that false faith.  I seek no such comfort in my loss of Arlene, I need to keep my pain, I would rather wallow in my pain yet remember her love, this is better than the lie.  The pain shows us as humans who can love each other and act better torward eachb other without god or gods.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015


They said I was guilty of hate, that I spoke words of racial hatred, I did not, I live to see equality and fairness for all, I would not, could not disparage others on illogcal, unscientific nonsense in the name of hate of any kind.  I resent such a lie about my character, this is the worst kind of falsehood, I do not understand such a lie, Why would they seek for me to be in trouble?  I do not see the logic of such dishonesty and attacks on my character, I will move on though to ultimate success and victory over lies and hate for all.  The human race can not travel down this rode and survive, if we continue to hate, humanity will perish over such things, and if we as a world choose ideologiies of hate, maybe we would deserve such an end.  I have hope, that we as a world can do better than this hatred of race, sex, homophobia, color, nation, tribe, culture and disability.  We can do better, even more so WITH OUT CONCEPTS OF GOD OR GODS. The  delusion of religion breeds violence in humanity, yes other ideologies cause violence, yet none like the self rightousness of religion and judging others.