Saturday, February 28, 2015
What is all the anger about? , so much anger, violence and a lack of love, I try not to show it, a near impossible feat of strength, I will not surrender to the inner turmoil of all humans, I try to calm and soothe my self with self talk, however the bitter taste remains, there is a part of me that has weakened, I can not ignore or hide the fury, people think I am norml and polite, the raging truth is in me and can not be denied, I am not a self aware machine or android, I am a human being in pain and anger, however I push it all to the side and temporaly and function, function is not the main goal in my schizophrenia, the absolute goal is kindness and mercy and love, such an internal and divided self warring with myself, should you care you ask me, what is in it for me, a debt will put me at your use, as a favor repaid, I would be eternally greatful, I would owe you much in that debt, use it to reach a goal that maybe I can help with, I never really want revenge or retaliation, no violence here, no suicide by my hand and hopefuly no ones hands of other people, so I sit still for now, I have little or no choice to be patient with all human kind, we will see and live to see victory of the heart.
Posted by Unknown at 9:30 AM
Thursday, February 26, 2015
I am alone, like a drone on automatic plot, running in fear from real or imagined enemies, young gang members, seeking to kill, I run around from place to place in terror of violence, I do not understand these feelings or thoughts, I do not know what is real and what is a false perception, I have nightmares about my enemies, the world as a whole, of people hating me and trying to kill me. I shake and wake in fear, are they outside waiting? I have no where to run, they are everywhere, young thug gang members, stalking me, terrifying me by there cold hard stares of hatred in proximity to me, there seems no answer, from the universe why this is so, is there no mercy from creation? Does it even care? there is nothing inside of me, just filth, or so it feels. Of course I have no proof or evidence, no verified proof of these plotters who are against me, following, talking on there cell phones to the gang leaders to verify the order to kill or attack, there is no refuge from the evil imaginings of my psychotic mind, they are right here, do you not SEE? I am a loser, for them who hunt me because of my being a loser, day by day , the fear cripples me, yet I am alive, and it will stay that way.
Posted by Unknown at 10:29 AM
Monday, February 23, 2015
The itching, red, swollen, the biting, micro monsters eating me aive, I am disgusted, these things inside of me, I am a meal for them, my micro enemies, moving again is to blame for the swelling and rash, I fight it with chemical eapons on the skin, rub it all in, do not scratch, I seek a permanent end to the creatures inside of me, living in me like I am suburban home for mites, whole fmilies re creatiing havoc on my skin, it may not be be life threatning, but it does rob the soul of the afflicted, embarrassed to admit or show it to doctors, I hate these enemies whole heartedly, this winter curse drives me insane and to distraction, how small and yet powerful they are, puttinng my life on hold, distracting me from important events and people, family and friends are kept to arms length, for mutual protection from the quiet ones, the small ones, pesticides work, but can be used only sparingly' for the nerves can be poisoned, yet , in a way, my epidermise is already poisoned, poisoned by biological enemies who disrupt my life process, I seeth with anger all of the time now, so I will go side by side to my allies and wait.
Posted by Unknown at 2:53 PM
Saturday, February 21, 2015
I shake in fear, tremble in pain, they yelled at me, I am enraged, yet fear abounds, I seek solace, yet find punishment, always punishment, never a reward, I hate these FUCKING room mates of mine, they judge me? I wish they would fucking die, leave me in peace you fucking scrubs, how dare they frighten and threaten me? I have feelings, rights, these fucking thugs and bullys, i rage inside wth pain , anger, fear, revenge is not legal nor conducive to me and plans, it will not occur, how I wish I could retaliate, these fucking gutter thugs, judging me, swearing an screaming at me, fucking animals, poetic justice is neede here, kharma shoul repay them, for I can not, I am shaking still, they had no right, in their fucking perfectionism, fuck them I say, no one helps, they do not care, my paranoia burns me live, a gun shot today in the neighborhood I live in, the police investigate these matters, I heard but saw nothing, my fear tells me it was meant for me, yet I have no evidence for this, god how i wish i commit suicide, I will not though, my world of fear stops me.
Posted by Unknown at 1:46 PM
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Sin con felicidad, por que mi el mundo es frio en mi corozon, tu vas? es no facil veer ese facto, yo soy en la prision de soledad, no se comprender por que, escucha a mi , mi nina linda, si su amor es verdad, por todos personas del mundo, raza es no importante en el mundo racional, gente son gente, la diferncias son son menor, tambien en religion esta verdad, el precio de racismo es muerte y violenca, esta problema es un idea mal en un mundo de moralidad, es cierto es facto de humanos de la amor, nosotros somos ninas de espiritu de creacion, si un espiritu es real, racismo es un mal de infierno de odio, odio no tiene un parte del universio de racional y tolerencia , el raza de todos humanos es uno raza' con no real diferncia entre ellos, vas con mii a la mundo de logico y amor, un tierra es un lugar muy bonita, pero, las humanos de odio son enemigos de todas personas en todos continente el tierra, las idiomas del paises son todo bonita y marveliso, no conoce el futura de gente, pero es cierto odio de el corazon es mal de la futuras de mi y tu.
Posted by Unknown at 11:44 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
To exist is not to live, being functional is not a worthy goal of the human spirit, but to live, differences between the two abound, one is boredom, the other a state of enthusiasm, enthusiastic of family, friends and lovers, everything has meaning, with or without god, the problem of human suffering is real and present with or with out god and gods, or satan for that matter, it is our duty to decrease it and increase happiness for all that we encounter, to live in a mental auchswitz is to watch the soul die, our purgatorys are our own, his from the wisdom of the buddha, who did not claim godhood, but was a teacher, the teacher of all consuming compassion, that is the essential differance between exist or live, we may not ignore the pain of any entity, physical or of spirit, however a teacher is of no use to diciples of they actively choose the evil of ignorance andd cruelty, the dahli lama has said, you are master of yourself, so do not blame others, your sadness comes and goes with your choices in life, do not overlook responsibility, yours that is, do not cry when you have health and friends, there is little else of note or import.
Posted by Unknown at 11:02 AM
Sunday, February 15, 2015
ustedes son caliente con amor, ustedes son ninas de el futuro de humanos, tu es bonita in la corazon de su espiritu, alli es mucho trabaja hacer, trabaja de amor, amor por humanidad, tu ve, su vida es necessario de el universo, ustede un persona quien es a universio necesidad, necesario por el mundo de humanas quie amor por ustede, no ve ustede? aquel tu es de mas importancia de todo creacion y humanos del todo tierra, tu son un necesidad por la raza humano, no pregunta por que, el realiad de es situacion of su es un existo por amor de gente, yo creo ustede son un persona importancia del creacion todo, creacion de vida con no limites, yo pregunta tu , no vas en lel noche de mal, no vives de ustede es con no importance, vas con mi, nosotros vemos la linda de universio, un universeo por su felicidad de amor,
logic, that is the key, the key to avoid causig your own death, by accident or on purpose, to die in such a manner is to surrender to your enemies, the kind that tell people to jump, fuck that, i will not cowtow to death just to end up making my enemies happy, what enemies you ask, real or imagined, it has been said better mad than sad, you see anger can motivate, while flat depression and anxiety cripple your will, anger is not evil in and of itself, it can drive you to jog, quit smoking, eat better, avoid excessive boozing, its important to channel emotion than igore it, if i am angry, a brisk walk in the chilly adirondacks does wonders of peace, calming not just anxiety, but reigning in psychosis and stopping so called negative symptoms, the experience in me is negative, that is severe inactivity', can be cured with a dose of anger, to motivate excercise for example, anger is energy, sadness and lethargy rob energy, better mad than sad, can not say it enough times, there is no need of revenge in anger, just victory over death, hatred and confusion, the best revenge is,as some have said, is to live joyfuly in the prescence of detractors
Posted by Unknown at 12:58 PM
Friday, February 13, 2015
this day i seek you, i seek the past, i seek the past with forgiveness, there was once confusion, resentment, yet i live beyong that stage, i am not sixteen anymore, slowing down, more mature, i no longer hate them, my teasers of the past, a violent past, yet i live, not just exist, but to flourish, i want gentleness and salvation , i am stronger for the pain, i write boldly, with frenzied excitement and gentle peace, the peace of my heart and yours, begrudging is finished, it is a curse, resentment, it makes one physically nauseated, the sun is shining, did you notice that, it happens every day, but we never look at daily, so to the miracles of our lives with friends and family, the rage was released, quietly so, it went where ever i am not, i do not need it any more, contentment even in psychosis is returning, healing wounds and feelings of torture over the past, i no longer wish to live there anymore, in pain and alone, killing time is the new order of business, i see the internet, it has answers for me, but i know not what to ask, when does google become self aware, is such a miracle possible, of artificial life and intelligence, it seems to me that would be exciting in its own right, my physical pain is less over the decades, but now my anger has diminshed, becoming weak, less painful, so i reject grudges and pay back, no one owes me anything, nor do i them, my real enemy is me, i fear for my own actions, yet i have never violated the law, and will not do so now, i bring to the table forgiveness, but are you asking for it or seeking it, it does not matter anymore, only our healing and past good times mean anything, there is music running through my head and heart, and for the first time ever it does not hury
Posted by Unknown at 11:35 AM
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
i see no more than you, and understand even less this thing fear, like being trapped in a lions mouth, caught in the moment, ruled by fear, afraid, common to psychosispeople follow me, in public, planning my harm and harrasment,why do they care about what i do? they follow me as i talk in peace, why cant they just go away, they follo to intimidate, to scare me, make me feeled crowded, i see nothing to justify this harrasment, i stay quiet, hope to make this pass, i will weather it, wait it out to death, it may pass, or not, this evil, these plotters of my death, they seek to make me an invalid of fear and delusion, they stand close by as a veiled unspoken threat and warningare they aliive or dead these people staring me down to cowardice and shame, to pointless guilt for imagined crimes, i drag myself through the fear and pain, of fear, i am alone and surrounded, do they still follow evil, will i ever win, seems liike no i will not beat them, is my real enemy me?i think about and blame others, howeverthey are not innocent, these plotters against me, i hate them all, those who follow to inflame psychosis fear panic, i run from town to town, seeking refuge from myself and i have no where to live and grow in peace, unharmed, they have no right or reason for them to harm me, yet i have no rights in their ridicule and shaming me, i am so struck by fear and hatred from others, who have no right or reason, here i repeat myself, listen carefully to me going insane,are they ghosts of the dead, spectres, or hallucination, i seek the truth and find lies from them, those doers of evil, do i define evil, do i have the authority of websters dictionary, or am i a psychotic dreamer, we will wait and see
Monday, February 9, 2015
cold, white death, piling up, more than six inches, blustery, nerve wracking, i can not breathe, i am dizzy, confused, lost my bearings, difficult to breathe, cold hurting my lungs, compounded by smoking, headed torward cancer, emphysema, copd, lungs on fire, staggering as i walk, losing balance, falling all the time, slippery ice and snow conspire to trip me, make me fall, hopefully not in front of a car or bus, i am not ready to die, i have too much to do, writing, helping others, that is the goal even for schizophrenics, we have a heart, compassion, mercy and love, this is the purpose and value of all lives and people, even without god, it makes life worth living for and worth fighting for, against suicide or criminal violent acts, victory can only be found in persistance, not in fake fantasies of gods or demons which do not exist i drudge through the thick snow and move on in fear, paranoia, anxiety,the garbage is piling up, i do not know what to do with it, literally and figuretilvy, i am screaing in this ice desert, perhaps i am to heavily drugged, or not enough, zyprexa or cogentin anyone? pills are piling up as i treat my psychosis, can not function with them or without them, crashing through ea]ch day with emotional panic and paranoia
Posted by Unknown at 11:40 AM
Friday, February 6, 2015
i am afraid, unsure of what to do, disapproval of others frightens me, cant you do anything rght, wwhat is your fucking problem, get your head out of your ass, everyone agrees, i am loser of the first order, at least that is what ikt feeels likei seek to self soothe, only part effective, my thought are3 racing, who will be the winner, them orr me, i do not know, can i predict the future, can you,m moving from placev to plac'e, no stable home, just unstable landlords, time is killing me, anger grows with each passing second of time, yet i can not act on it, prison would be counterproductive, i must remain free, alonne if need be, i look and fiind only terror as i look inside my soul, a soul dark and terrorized for fifty ye[a[rs, fiftey years of hatred rev'enge retaliation, there will be peace, the nonexistent jesus said so, he has never helped me, therefore i do not worship him, he deserves it not, no fake god does, i try to sell my ideas, no one bites as i write this with tre'mbling hands,b we shall wait and see
Posted by Unknown at 1:11 PM
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Why now, this irritation, this new anxiety and fear, I struggle to find the end, I do not see it clearly, the anger is too much, I silently scream with rage, I sink i to the abss of fear, I seek only serenity and find confusion, such assholes are they, thes3 two enemies, certainly not friends of mine, just enemies that is all I have e er had, from. From boyhood rage, to the hatred from my sister, that evil witch,above me by only one year, with no special wisdom on her part, age breeds her ugliness, hate fills me as I think of her, Caroline, this bitch, not really my sister, just a fake imposter of family , I rage against them all, I will not bend to their evil, their betrayal
Posted by Unknown at 10:20 AM
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
today is rough, alone and cold, visions of sylvia plath, the great poet, i strive to be as good as her, i am fascinated by the process of writing, i suffer not alone, not when others are aware of my plight, ernest hemingway i do not understand, why did he die and refuse to take a stand, we may never know why, why these horrible attitudes n longing for death occur, or is the fact not a longing to die, but to escape the terror of life, i shake and tremor, eople looking at me, staring in rudeness and horrible manners, perhaps i imagine this, it surely feels real, yet emotions thoughts and feelings are not facts of phyical reality, just an interporation , feelings cloud the the already foggy reality of my own psychosis, there is no joy anymore, i feel solo, i feel abandoned, former friends judge me harshly, when they in fact are abusive criminals, so high and mighty , above all rules they feel of justice and fairness, an apology from them is appropriate and called for, in their arrogance, i rot here alone, my psychosis unending, limitless pan, and no serenity, unfair all of this is, i seek only justice not revenge or retribution, these things are confusing me, unsettling these facts and feelings are, i write and no one reads, time to advertise my talent, time to strive to be the next plath or hemingway, writing eases the tenson of these horrible ttruths of loneliness, yet self destruction is not an option, i live in pain in life to avoid the nonexistencee of being dead, i believed as little boy that god is real, yet this has no evidence, you can not prove god or disprove his reality or fantasy, i can not disprove unicorns are real or psychotic fantasy, such god as this, if he exists, is unorthy of my attention or love, a selfish mean spirited fake man who lives in the sky, to destroy and kill, to torture humanity
Posted by Unknown at 9:47 AM
Monday, February 2, 2015
i do not see anything ahead, not 2 feet, snow, confusion everywhere, walking, faintinf, falling into ice, gripping fear, hyperventilation, mental confusion, aafraid of death in a blizzard, panic sets in, do not know what to do, going back is futile in nature, pressing forward is life threatening, i push on, to avoid boredom and pain, i am frightened by the white out, no one wants to die like this, alone in the cold, two feet of snow, fallingg down the stairs, also frightening, i m suppose to be dead, yet i live, i survive, no choice but to live until natural death, i can not alllo the enemies to win , real and imaginned, looking over the shoulder in panic, frustrating, moving places of residence, i am angry, no et service, i come to this fucking library to write, i haave no choice, the evil room mates, michellle and mike, two selfish children, made this confusion, i wish anger revenge and rage, but i can not break the laaw, i will not, i will contact the isp, i will be joyfully reconnnected to the eb, i will remaster this problem, i will be vitorious, i must work, write, succeed, even when all seems lost in the mental bliizzard, i push on, wish me luck
Posted by Unknown at 9:44 AM