Monday, June 8, 2015


It was frightening to experience, to not breath and knowing every breath may bring death, respitory failure may cause death the doctor told me last night, so I sought medical care, afraid as hell as I struggled to breath, not wanting to die, this is true even in my deepest psychosis and depression, suicide is not an option, death is feared by me, I suppose in a manner of speaking this fear saves my life, last night in the hospital I was sweating with fear and shaking over the impending feeling of death, there is no clear answer to why this happened, there is no found lung or heart disease, yet I feel there was a physical reason for my struggle to breath, that it was more than just panic gone insane, it felt so physical and  as of yet, there is no answer to the mystery of my breathing problem, but it was frightening, facing death, only wishing life and not obilvion, for an atheist death is oblivion, nonexistence, yet I cannot believe in a cruel evil dictator in the sky, I will not believe in childish fables of god or gods because such lies would compfort me, I am an adult, not a child with an imaginary friend in the sky, that fake horrible dictator.

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