Saturday, December 27, 2014
so violent the emotion of yesterday, grudges held, people unforgiven,, frustration explodes outward, nothing physical, hut mental pain alone, it is not needed that a person be tortured, sick with fear, not knowing what to do, which action is best, alone in the dark room, justice will never be delivered, those who have abused, go scott free, not held for even one night in jail or prison. yet i cannot be a vigilante , to much pain and freedom at stake, we can not allow the spectres of the past rule this day, instead we must be patient, hoping for karma, what comes around goes around, i will let the universe to mete out the just punishment for their crimes, anger, rage. obscenity, frustration, my permanent companion, i carry strong desires in side my soul, i am waiting fr the dharma show me what to do, what would be the noble act to be, forgive? no, yet all things pass away and so also the pain of a cowardly family, i certainly am not seeking retaliation, the buddha is my guide in pain, he is not god but a hero of the human spirit, learning compassion and being a noble being, nothing is easy in this cold december, nothing ethically clear, morality is in the opinion of a man, that alters and changes to be individualized, seperate individuals, the group more than the one person in this huge society of drugs and prozac, the new meds will make me , will make me happy, more important than the mass, i go slow through the confusion, seeking to record the journey, to make it official, insanity awaits, and when it comes i will be ready, ready for peace and calm, you see i am my own master as are you, do not blame god or satan, you chose the action you took, you knew it all along, and so seek sleep and peace and to forgive not othrers
Posted by Unknown at 3:07 PM
Friday, December 26, 2014
Today i am just checking in, i have no overwhelming topics to write about today, yesterday was christmas and i was totally alone , same as all past years, my anger and my famillys anger keeps us a part, they will not apologize for the their crimes against me nor would i forgive if they did, but still i must stay stable strong and consistently calm and rational. if i get angry that only gives more power to those i used to call family and brothers and sisters, i hope they had fun with out me, i refuse to play the fucking scape goat and black sheep of the family, so i have no family, a family has honestly and forgiveness and trust, my evil viscous siblings have neither, but my life and theirs will go on seperately from me, i seek no retaliation
Posted by Unknown at 1:24 PM
Running rough shad over your rights,permission from the government to the doctors torment of patients of asylums, asylum, there is no asylum from schizophrenia there is no asylum with god, he is not real, angry and bored, typing furiously, to achieve success, to achieve recognition, is the goal and worker of me the writer, christmas come and gone, alone, no gifts, people wish to punish me for living independently, who has authority over my life but me? what would another person do to steal that right? alone in schizophrenia, alone and feel hated, feeling are not facts, nor anxiety nor depression, dr. chalapali, a shrink of terrible violence and abuse, she calmly tells me to get beat up, her security forced, her guards, they do the bidding of the asylum masters, justice not found except through death, life will go on, no interference from me, i seek no revenge, i do not retaliate, that is the action of an infant, a child off 2 tears, adults we or i must be, or the asylum masters will seek there own revenge upon the inmates, the asylum is not just a building, but a nation is now the insane asylum, the whole population labeled, categorized, put into a pidgeon \n hole, the heart beats fast from schizophrenic rage, yet no violence to come, i am too old to tired to exhausted to play a role, i go one through boring lists and schedules of the day to call it and me as normal, normal fucking scheduled boredom and fear, who can take such mental pain, a schedule does not have me in love or richess just scheduled banality and misery,
Posted by Unknown at 1:12 PM
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
read all about it, my madness, scary to you more so to me, i offer no violence, only loneliness, i seek to be known, more than 15 minutes,, i deserve more than 15, i am on the verge off poetic nobility, writing from the heart and from the voices, i seek only peace, i seek, all the time, even in my nightmares, i seek justice for wrongs to be made right, not with this crowd i use to call family, i call them today as toxic, a poison to my soul, i am very enlightened tonight, do not know why, i simply write, cathartic experience, releasing and revisiting nightmares of the past, night terrors, seizures in my sleep, muscles jerk, lose control, writing on this key board is fucking annoying, i do not expect any one to understand this man, yes i said man not boy, i am walking tall, with anger and new buddhist confidence, i seek to breathe correctly, i only get side charlie horses and side pain, so sick of the voices, sick of the loneliness, alone today and christmas, no surprise there, did i make that happen, buddha says we are our own masters, take responsability, for all actions and attitudes that break forth with violent energy, i seek to be known, to be worshiped, i am sylvia plath, i am ernest, hemingway, a man for all adventures and excitement, i seek to sit with the greats of pen and keyboard, i can do this, in english or spanish my poems are about you, the everyday person, the average one, normal is not bad or boring, just consistent with my history, i will seek success and a new place and way to live, i seek justice, i seek apologys
, but my brothers and sisters will not bend, making excuses for my abuse, tied to a basement pipe in dads basement, hit in the head and stomach, i will seek tibetan peace serenity., hard to give up anger, yet revenge is not happening, so bring justice to my world by exposing the past and living once again,
Posted by Unknown at 4:38 PM
Posted by Unknown at 1:18 PM
Monday, December 22, 2014
nerve racking insomnia, destroying the will to push on to victory over psychosis, anxiety and fear explode out of the recesses of my mind and thoughts, voices come and go, not supernatural, just fucking annoying, panic or filthy nature of my room, will the land lords evict me, that is an unknown quanitty right now, i have no desire to anger them and live on the sidewalks of this sick upstate new york, snow is falling ice is forming, the ice of my heart as well, poetry in motion, i write for sanity , clarity, to keep a worded and viual record of my flight into and out of psychosis, like anything important, step by step, not rushing, not panicking, , these are essential, to beat the voices, patience is needed, going fast will lead to the hospital, cancer is not cured immediately, nor are mental problems, so i will take it day by day, celebrating every victory off life and love, i have been worse, i am still alive, i will not break laws and i will not surrender to my own rage, not now, when i am 2 hairs away from victory, i must be a patient with patience, it even now as i write this record of my journey, i find very lethargic motivation, fucking negative symptoms, drain the sould of doing, worse than depression, worse the worry of the day to day, i will rebound, and my mind with be sound again.
Posted by Unknown at 3:22 PM
Saturday, December 20, 2014
behind me, is someone there? who are you? why follow me like this, have i offended some how? i am terrified, afraid, please leave me alone, i know you not, a black man with a phone, guy with a phone follows me and awaits for me, you not, what gives you the right to stalk, will you kill me? or is the goal to let the mental pain persist? i go to rite aide, a black man follows me in and stands in the front of the store, looking right at me like a wolf stalks a four footed dinner, staring right at me, reporting to my enemies on the phone, i know not to who they answer to, but surely someone wants to kill me, itry to stay busy, ignore the fearful enemies that are bold to come next to me,to intimidate me, to make me sweat to dehydration from terror, the terror of my existence, some one always there, yet no immediate violence or attack on my person in over three years of caffeine induced psychosis, paranoia comes hard and holds like a pit bull, wrenching at my sanity, if i say something they will deny, and terrorize some more, what is it about? my looks or speech ? so many fears, so many hallucinations, violent gang members every where, to report to the unknown nemesis of my psychosis, conspiring to shoot stab or kill me, why? what have i done? i go day today, shaking with violent tremors, people see and mock me, i will not go down, i must maintain, every thing, friends, lovers, doctors, shrinks allied forces to destroy paranoia, we will see.
Posted by Unknown at 2:55 PM
Friday, December 19, 2014
shaved to quickly, hands are shaking with fear, chin is bleeding, razor cuts the skin like my loneliness cuts my heart, fear is all around, of enemies unseen and seen, telling which ones are real or not real is difficult a task indeed, intention tremors, they are called, from caffeine and zyprexa, yet people accuse me and my tremor on street drugs, more false accusations against my person, someone always trying to punish based on lies plus intimidation, how do i defend with out screaming obscenities in anger, revenge or retaliation are pointless, you can not calm suspicion with blind rage, which only brings more judgement and punishment, the blood is drying, an irritant, they will think i was punched and assaulted upon my person, no these cuts like symbolic ones are accidental , self inflicted, dark, cold grey weather today, to reinforce my cold loneliness, i seek new challenges while seeking no more delusions and hallucinations, i tire of schizophrenia, a burden my mother had in herself, and coped with the vodka of russia, and died from the practice, one day at a time, i move and i heal, there is still a future as long as i breathe,
Posted by Unknown at 6:24 AM
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
violencia es no correcto por mi y mi problemas de vida, tiempo es despacio hoy, en realidaf todos tiempos, esta verdad, qhe yo no ve es mal por mi, no tengo amor para tu o mi, mi palabras en mi cabeza son mucho corriendo, no despacio, yo deseo a tiene bonita linda mujer por sexual actividades, pero, sexo es un0o mas cosa qhe tiene no felicidad y es muy arburrido, que es la conteste el razones yo son solo con no amigas, familia, y no romantico gente en mi vida, yo veo no amor en el futoro, you veo en mi futora solo dolores, en todas partes de mi existencia,
Posted by Unknown at 8:14 AM
Monday, December 15, 2014
today i sleep, no journey today to the shrink, to tired to move or motivate, depression of december is here, this will pass, but slowly, michael and michelle, the prison wardens, treat the inmate as weak and slow because of the cold of snow, the inmate has no immediate place to, to live or socialize, they have the inmate over a barrel, tied to the fear of homelessness, the inmate is quiet, do not agitate neither against the hand that feeds you nor the warden landlord, i must arise every morning to these two wardens, walking on quiet egg shells to not anger the land lords, bending backwards to kiss ass is more pleasant the dying in the cold, under a bridge, so there it is, temper of the past has led to no shelter money or food, the new phobia and paranoia is to avoid that with the price of pride destroyed,, yet, all is temporary, all will pass by, i once had six years of stable paradise,, no anger or temper to be shown, or i could be shown the door to cold streets
Posted by Unknown at 12:05 PM
Sunday, December 14, 2014
the physicist looks for the mystery of dark matter and dark energy, but what to do about grey matter, psychotic brain shrinkage, neurons disconnected, dopamine, have too much, what is to be done for the sick in mind, tissue shrinks, psychosis breaks, and we are off to the races, where that is no known end game and the horse dies in a race it can not win, not by itself, what is a greater mystery , the universe and its law, or the human brain, the grey matter, whos job is harder, albert einstein, or the psychiatrist,, neurology, break down, parkinsons, alzheimers, the list of complicated neuron problems is long and is a mystery for the ages, brain shrinks, as does the world, the truth is indeed out there, waiting silently discovered, what would you rather have from science, knowledge of matter and energy, or a biologically based brain breakdowns and yet a cure, 3 trillion synapses, more than stars in the milky way or andromeda. i say look deep inside, find the cure, the planet mars can wait, while i tolerate voices and fake sightings,what would you want, if you were me?
Posted by Unknown at 2:58 PM
Friday, December 12, 2014
el sangre de su vidas es su amor por su amigos y familia, vas despacio, mucho tiempo tu tiene, el tiempo a cantantes, a vas a la playa, pero, trabajadora es importante igulidad, su tiene muchos persona quien tiene mucho amor, la emociones mal no buen idea, la paz es mas importante, la paz de amigos y su familia, en los estados unidos, donde tiene liberdad a estar todos cosas de vida de humanas , su aparencia es no especial, pero so corozon y su amor to puedo vive por todos razones, la gente del mundo usa mucha violencia en el nombre de dios por tipico, la conteste a vida es no dios de religiones, la contest a so vida es tu, no otra persona es en experto acerca de tu excepto tu, comprende las universo es necesario for felicidad, la felicidad no llevar de dinero o dios o diablos, pero, la contest a vidas problemas son en su ninas, sus padres, por que vas a ver el verdad, el verdad de sus amigos y extranjeras de tod al mundo, racismo tiene no lugar en un sociedad de moral, la gente quien son differnte de usted son adventura de vida, sus y mi
Posted by Unknown at 2:06 PM
Thursday, December 11, 2014
six inches high, cumbersome, ice, slipping and falling in upstate, figuratively, plus literally, isolated,snowed in, by snow and icy emotions, landlord says almost nothing, to me, yet i live here, struggling with intrusive thoughts, held prisoner by rumination, obsessive, not calm, not serene, not even from the mayahana, meditation for the joy of all sentient beings hopefully has begun, time passes slow in the purgatory of ice, i try to stay steady, i try to stay alert and active, yet december causes sleepiness, as if it was ambien, or sonata,the drugs of sleep, paranoia eats really deep today, why has that car stopped, why do its occupants stare at me, or is it from the awakened dreams o psychosis jumping to conclusions, it is not clear enough to know which, i am full of rage, guilt and shame, locked into the emotional bondage of banality, almost every day know i go forward while shaking, people accuse me drugs, causing tremors, but no not that, but the cold and fear cause it.
Posted by Unknown at 9:13 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
you claim power, you claim influence, you claim authority over others, you rule in the government, you excercise influence in the lives of millions, money to be made,influence to peddle, power to be sold, the highest bidder has your ear, and your vote, koch brothers and others, who destroy democracy, sell it out for the dictator of cash and credit, it seems to yourself seem to have much power, even deciding life and death, but you recently feel fatiuge, you feel pain, in the head maybe, or lungs or brain, whichever it turns out to be, your medical pro runs tests, does lab work, takes x-rays, blood pressure not normal, a sore that will not heal, pain shooting through your body, you miss more and more work, your health does not feel right, why can not your money help? what is wrong? the doctor sees you in person and says the word, the ironic word that has all real power, sarcoma, cancer, inoperable, prognosis zero, no future and a greedy past, poetic justice, from the heavens,
Posted by Unknown at 9:39 AM
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Posted by Unknown at 10:26 AM
danger from the right, not the left, limbaugh you obese blowhard, ted cruz you liar, louis farrakahn, liar extrodonaire, you open your violent filled mouths, you seek destruction and violence, you plan to divide and hate, you plan homelessness for the mentally ill, you use the poor, you serve the rich, like a heated bitch, you swarm like a pack of wolves over the powerless and weak, you, who belive in god, you are passe, yesterdays truth is lies of ttoday, bring forth science, bring forth logic, bring forth reason, discard superstition, reject the inequalities and demand better
Posted by Unknown at 9:00 AM
Monday, December 8, 2014
new black panther party, ku klux klan, chistian identity movement, race seperatists, they seek converts, these evil people, the supremacists, the seperatists, a moral society must tolerate stupidity in order to remain free, but i say with gleee, the evil ones of race will rant hate and dissolve into the trash of history, why do you white or black man give a fuck about who i fuck, at least i fuck women, you fuck society with your evil hate, race does not mean species, actually it means almost nothing of import, i.q, sanity, love, calmness, these are important not the hue of ones skin, we must unite , us so called race traitors, yet the real betrayers where white sheets of cowardice, farrakhan fuck heads, and the lies, white, black we need each other, together we defeat emotional terrorism
Posted by Unknown at 3:06 PM
asi asi diablos o dios es la razone por felicidad, no creo en eses gente,imaginario, jesus, de donde ustedes? violencia en el nombre de dios , regalos de navidad, yo pregunta esta cuestion, por que violencia? por que mentir, human a human? ese diciembre yo veo la gente do dios , o posible, en secreto ellos son la gente de inferno de hell, pero, humanidad no nececito jesus o allah o yawhwy, the problema es en sus corazones es violecia y mentirse, la ano hoy es el ano de speranza, mi familia no es aqui con mi esta navidad, yo miro la gente en mee ciudad, en mi barrio, yo ve muerte y violencia y drogas de calles, navidad es un chiste horrible de dios de mal, quien es el dios de mal, es no diablo or satana, el dios de el grande tres religiones de oeste, la ano de nueva en dos semenas, nuevo por quien? falso esperanza, mirar el muerte do guerra de earth, alli es no amor por humanos de dios o otra gente de esta planeta.
Posted by Unknown at 2:36 PM
Sunday, December 7, 2014
christ mass approaching, but why, how come this is important? a homeless preacher dies onj a cross, with no real evidence of importance or divinity, i reached for the carpenter once, the cosmic reply was fuck off, people ask why you do not have more faith? faith? in a schizophrenic man living in abject poverty? ideas like that make me vomit up blood with disgust, the real world awaits you and me, certainly not jesus christ or unicorns, that angry petty man who invisibley lives in the sky as a sorcerer has no need of me, or i of him, childish fairy tales, music is produced as hynm for this fake carpenter, i do not think that you christians understands at all my distaste for your non ressurected savior how does god help the mentally ill, or children with cancer, or rape victims or murder victims? he does not do, world war one world war 2 and the GOD if real laughs at our pain he created, love is not god because god is hate, hate of his fake creation, yet, it is no matter, this speculation of fantasy gods, angels and demons, i tremble with rage at the wasted years given to this bastard child, and other gods of other people are not any better, zeus is jesus is allah is jehovah, all fake in common, fath has never healed anyone, but science has, time to live , time not to waste, phony catholics, christians jews and muslims are irrelevant.
Posted by Unknown at 1:00 PM
Saturday, December 6, 2014
scared, frightened, alone, like a cub away from the lioness, seperated from humanity because of emotional insanity, struggling for acceptance in a world that does not care, unless one is talking about ones self and your own interests, greed., money hungry,hedonistic, this is modern religion, worship of the self above all, be your own god, why not? yet ironically there is no GOD, no such thing as sin, why would any god be worshiped that destroys life he reportedly created, seems to me hateful being, if he exists, is unworthy of my worship, love and loyalty, atheism and science must win the day, these to do not care about your bed room practices, like the fake god supposedly does, why would he care about sex when he is guilty of the crime of creation, which leads to suffering, to pain, to torture, to death, time to find real moral courage through logic, through fairness, through relieving the pain of another sentient being, gods not wanted or needed, if humans adopt logic and reason, and the discipline of common sense, we can achieve so much, invent so many things, this fake monotheistic dictator makes no sense, its probably not even there in the fake kingdom of the fake sky god, jesus a sorcerer, a mystic, mentally ill perhaps/? being nailed to a cross to please a psychotic deity? no, i will not fall for or be sold on spiritual slavery for a fake magician in the sky.
Posted by Unknown at 2:49 PM
Friday, December 5, 2014
what difference does it make, these jobs we do, there is no God, this is true, however to believe life as meaningless with out god is an existential cop out, if there is no God, and there is not, the lives of all terrans have value and joy and pain, God is not needed, if a person is cut, does he not bleed with or with out god, if no God is real, humans still have and can cause and both cure great suffering in others existence, to love, to be serene, to be at peace, these are still human choices, we and others feel pain, and can cure it, to drag in fairy tales of God , gods or angels or demons, is childish and useless fables suited more to a two year old than adults, why fantasize over unreal spirit lives upon death, better to live this life than to end it for a fake heaven, come children, time is here, so are you, act like today is the last, drop the childish ghost stories of gods, live, live, live, yes there is apin, proof of either a sadistic God, or none at all, religions, they have yet to explain suffering being allowed by their evil god, if he is up there, he is unworthy o worship, fuck that i say be alive today
Posted by Unknown at 1:13 PM
que es importante en mi vida? comprar la comidas en la supermercado? o posible tu vas a ejericicio por corriende en la calle? posible tu vas ver su novia or novio, es deficil a comprende aquel cual es importante su vida, muchos cosas hacer, el numero de cosas cual deber en su actividades por que to no comprendo que es en realidad es mas importante en el horario de vida, tu caminas despacio, trabajas en su acitvidades y cosas momento por momento, un tiemn su vida es no importapo por su vida es no eternal, tiempo de su vidas es debajo, mucho tiempo no persona del mundo tiene, amor, paz, fuerte, felicidad, sexos, amigas, eses cosas y actividades son are regalo de dios, muy precioso, es que actividades y tiempo de vida, venir su tiempo con amor, con divertida, nosotros todas muerte, es verdad, es muy verdad, que cosas importante la acciones con su familia y amigos, dinero, y cosas materiales no son importantes, que de Dios, es el Padre de cielo en realidad alli? posible no, pero, si es verdad, vidas con no dios o espirituoso, sus vida es importante, hasta no dios, sciencia es real, Dios no verdad de existes, tu and mi son dios, nosotros son humanos , reir la planeta de earth, vas a la playa en verano, no mucho tiempo en este vida , es muy muy precioses, las cosas no eternal, tiene no preopocupaciones, no tiempo for esa, no tiempo mucho en su or sus vidas, tengo un idea, trabajar es especial, pero divertido es mucho, mucho mas importantes que trabajar.
Posted by Unknown at 12:56 PM
Thursday, December 4, 2014
violente, por que es mi vida tiene la violencia de racismo? diga me el hombre de blanca y tu la gente de negro, es su racismo es no es necesario, por vida tiene amor, ku klux klan , muerte por que, resonable personas necesita verdad, el verdad de amor, mal racismo es no buen de humanidad,, verdad es en mi, no tu, igualidad es de dios, negro y blanca gente, escucha me,es importa, que yo hablo con todos humanos, yo hablo a todos de humano, , de todos paises, escucha me, yo tengo amor por todos el mundo, vida de estupidad es mal, criminales de racista, vas a diablo, nosotros no quiere su presencia en estados unidas, o justicia de amor es aqui ahora ellos , ella de justicia es aqui, vas mi ninos, tiene amor por todos races, es no dio por que en realidad, or no diablo en realidad, pero, amor es la futuro de humanos, en todos paises del esta planeta, todos humanos son verdad, es paciencia, negro tiene amore por la gente de blanco, tambien, la gente de blanco necesario amigas de gente negro, los personas de todo colres son igual, humano es humano, color es no importa, religiones no es importa hoy , hoy la importancia es en mi ninos y to ninos, cual su ninos son adultos, ellos trabaja en cooperaciones, violencia fe grupos terrorrista no tiene un lugar en esta pais o el mundo.
Posted by Unknown at 5:49 PM
yelling, screaming grabbing, so many mistakes, confusion of direction, humiliation and shame, useless painful emotions, walking into wrong entrance, almost go to jail, security guards, stupid cashier, false accusations, time to do a psych update, pete will know how it went down, abruptly and fast confused, walmart rage, how to control my rage and screamings of obscenities, however, i am a man , not an animal, i have rights, making mistakes s my rage pushes me to obscenity, false accusations, public humiliation, what is the point? i want to quit, but alas feelings are not facts, nor emotions,i will keep pushing, hard, slow , fast, ignore the pain, stay on schedule, anger , anxiety, public humiliation are are poorly motivated, a whirl wind of rage, screaming silently into insanity, delusions , hallucinations, these are scary, but do not show reality,i am calmer now, writing is healing the wounds of embarrassment.
Posted by Unknown at 2:29 PM
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
mother theresa, not her real name, she is not named theresa, but agnes, not a saint, a criminal, who was obsessed to make others suffer, it is myth she is saintly, millions have been duped, this evil woman, she provided no beds, just mats on a floor, to die in pain, and the dying receive no help for pain from this fraud, this fake saint, corruption, reenforces corruption, the pope and his lies, supports the agnes myth,and the lies of agnes reinforce corruption in the holy see, not really holy at all, fake destructive, why give money to the sisters of mercy, they rob money, use it for churches, not for the sick and suffering, but used to oppose abortion or birth control, the churches agenda came first, with agnes, not the poor, corrupt money from keating and criminals, agnes did not care about its source, just the amount given, donated by crooks of evil, mother theresa, now a dead lying criminal, her sisters continue to carry on the lies.
Posted by Unknown at 10:21 AM
Monday, December 1, 2014
drugged to heavily, tired, dizzy, vertigo, a boring mess, trapped in addiction, even with over the counter meds, hands are shaking , intention tremor huge, must continue to write , a needed avocation, passing the time, it goes slower with drugs, can i complete the task that is before me? spell check not occuring, body shaking, tardive dyskinisea, having a difficult time to move ahead, what is the solution? hard to say really, drugs motivation of fear, of being scared, extremely painful taking it in stride, chemicals not permanent, i will wear it off soon tonight, i will be rock steady, or i can hope, nothing done today by me will be lasting forever, dipenhydromine , nasty when there is a lot in the blood, the brain is a chemical soup nicotine, benadryl, cigarette tar, 5000 other chemicals swimming around, caffeine as well, not harmless as thought,going to piss every fucking 2 minutes, this torture of the night, enemy of sleep, increasing the tremors, sudden seizure of anxiety, can not fall asleep and drop in the pit, one day at time.
Posted by Unknown at 3:49 PM