Tuesday, July 25, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, A Life Of Its Own

Psychosis and anxiety are intertwined in me, they are inseparable traits in me, for some anxiety by itself is terrifying, i.e. panic attacks that spin out of control and loom larger and larger to the point of being a mental cripple.
Their pain and suffering are real, anxiety can balloon into a huge mess with a life of its own.
Sow into that fabric of uncontrolled anxiety psychosis.
Psychosis, when you hear and see things that are not real, and all the more terrifying because they are not real for no one but the psychotic sees and hears these hallucinations and demons.
Then there are the delusions that mark the psychotic, false, persistent beliefs held to be real with absolutely no evidence to support them and even have mountains of evidence of their falsehood.
These are terrifying things that also have a life of their own, and bring anxiety in spades, in uncontrolled panic attacks and terror.
I walk down the street drowning in delusions, I keep my composure well, I am not going to commit suicide, become violent or break the law because of psychosis, anxiety and internal terror.
I do not run around in public or private yelling and screaming at people with nonsensical world salad nor do I talk to myself, at least not in public.
I keep my appearance presentable, I shave, shower daily, brush my teeth, do my laundry, floss, use antiperspirant and deodorant.
I refrain from saying fuck you to my neighbors downstairs that I do not like, yet they are obnoxious, but I keep my composure, I will not surrender to my internal fear and terror by lashing out at others who have not caused it nor even know that it is there in me.
I often walk down the street and people do or say strange things that are real, because my friends see them too.
But that is where IDEAS OF REFERENCE SURFACE, delusions that random events around me are somehow related to me or even targeted at me on purpose by individuals and large groups called perps who are gang stalking me, the targeted individual, to push me to isolation and suicide.
You can google the terms Gang Stalking, Perps and Targeted Individuals yourselves.
I am not convinced gang stalking is never real in my life, actually I have taken videos and pictures of my stalkers and put them online, letting the stalkers know I just recorded and documented their stalking and they will be famous in social media across the world wide web and internet.
Some of the things these gang stalkers do is weird, out of the ordinary but not illegal things to try to terrify me into suicide , like running backwards passed me in groups, that happened today, it happened to fast to record with my smart phone so I just threw them the finger and said fuck you.
My friend Ron was there he saw it, it was real, it happened, but was it really aimed at ME?
I do not know this shit is taking on a life of its own.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Theft

People steal all of the time, I have been robbed 7 times in the past three years, people have been taking things from me they did not earn or work for by I did.
4 days ago someone stole my bike right off my porch in broad daylight, it was 3:00 PM in the after noon.
The bike was double locked with two separate 2 in thick steel cables with 2 heavy duty Kryptonite Pad locks, very heavy and thick
The cables were wrapped around the frame, made of wood, of the front porch.
I always thought that no one would take the time to try to cut through either the thick steal cables
or the thick, heavy metal locks, especially on my front porch where there was a high probability of attracting the attention of the of the tenants that live in my house.
And if they did steal my bike, I thought they would find it easier to break the wooden frame of the front porch, take the bike, and cut the locks later.
But nope, I had gone down to the front porch to have a cigarette around 2 and the bike was still there.
I went back upstairs to my apartment to argue with my bank and Medicaid over some financial issues for about a half an hour.
I went back downstairs for another cigarette and when I opened the front door to go out, the first thing I saw was the two heavy locks laying on the front porch, cut open, into several pieces of metal.
The bike and cables were gone, they did not need to break the wooden frame of the front porch.
They came prepared, whatever they used to cut the locks had to be some heavy duty bolt cutters, a very large set of bolt cutters, to cut through those locks quickly, in less than thirty minutes without anyone noticing.
Or maybe they did notice, my neighbors in my building, they just did not do anything about it and they just told me when I asked they knew nothing of the theft when they did.  No one likes to be a snitch, even at the expense of honesty, ethics and the law.
This was the third bike stolen from me in three years time, each bike costing more than 130 dollars a piece.
I lost well over 350 dollars in property.
Oddly enough, about three weeks ago someone stole money, electronically, from my bank account, my checking.
It was about seventy dollars and it took my bank three weeks to recover my money, forcing me to overdraft my account for food, which means ultimately I never actually recovered the stolen money, because I had to borrow from my bank and pay them back in 60 extra dollars in overdraft charges, I got nothing back in the end from that bank theft, I just lost more when my bank legally robbed me.
People and banks can be such assholes. They steal from you, or they see someone else steal from you and say and do nothing.
I have had other packages of things that I had ordered online when the United States Postal Service or those fucking assholes at UPS and Fedex just dumped the packages on the front porch for anyone to steal without getting a signature.
And steal they did.
About 180 dollars worth of stealing in one shot, with one package, and of course the USPS, UPS, Fedex all said it was not their problem, they just deliver packages, whatever happens after that is my problems.
I was renting a room about 4 years ago from a young couple and the bedroom I was renting had no lock and since they were the only other people living in that house, all of us sharing the entire house, they stole from me, 100 dollars.
Liars, thieves, crooks, nonwitnesses who know but say nothing.
I hate people.

 

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow Gang Stalking Part 2

It is happening again, my paranoia, depression, suicidal feelings, I am thinking people are after me
to spy on me, to kill, me, to harass me, to destroy and vandalize my house where my apartment is.
I had a brand new bike, it was locked outside on my porch with two, 2 inch thick cables and padlocks to the wood frame of the open porch.
They cut the padlocks, dropped and left the cut locks on the porch and took the bike and cables.
Over the weekend, someone went into the back of my apartment building and threw the garbage from 7 different apartments all over the yard, sidewalks, and street.
People are leaving trash and litter all over the front yard as they walk by.
This all seems to coincidental, to convenient .  This does not seem random.
I am afraid, afraid for my life, my physical safety and existence.
Last week someone stole 70 dollars out of my bank account electronically.
That to has fueled my paranoia and suspicion, if that is what it is and not real gang stalking and community based harassment.
I feel like there is a very large group of diverse people working in tandem to stalk me, they are the perps.
Their goal is to isolate me, ruin my reputation, destroy me financially, to get me fired or evicted.
They want to let me know they are there unseen, always watching trying to make me so afraid has to isolate myself and commit suicide.
Thing is, I do not have the courage to commit suicide and never will.
But now I am always looking over my shoulder, using my smart phone to video record and photograph suspicious people and posting their faces and images all over the internet.
 I jump at every sound, every bump, every slamming door, I am depressed, I want to commit suicide but can not, will not.
The best I can do is stick to my daily schedule, act normally.
I am awaiting a call from my psychiatrist.
This is either real gang stalking or psychotic fantasy or both in part.

Friday, July 14, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow Fugue

I was riding my mountain bike in the city today, I was on my way to Price Right supermarket on university Avenue.
I was riding along toward my destination on my regular, quickest most logical route to the market.
Then I started drifting away mentally as I was riding my bike, I guess you could call it daydreaming.
I was not present in the moment, I was riding my bike exactly as I was suppose to, as any person would.
But it was all out of automatic learned habits that made me ride my bike normally and safely, but I was not actually there mentally while riding.
I was in a trance, my mind did not guide me on my normal route to the market.
I turned automatically down the wrong street in the opposite direction away from the market, not toward it.
I suddenly became aware, I was once again able to know what had happened, which was I was on the wrong street not remembering going there, it was just a sudden awareness that I was not where I was suppose to be.
I knew the street that I found myself on after amnesia, I knew the street in relation to my neighborhood, BUT I WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THERE AND I DO NOT REMEMBER GOING THERE.
Yet, there I was, on my bike, riding, automatically then waking up to my location.
This has happened before to me.
Under stress, fatigue and the tranquilizer Klonopin I often have in the past disconnected from the world around me into my own brain and doing things automatically and waking up, so to speak, that I was in a strange place or the wrong place, not knowing how I got there.
I blame stress, lethargy, tiredness, but I mostly blame the Klonopin.
This drug is known to cause memory loss while continuing to do things automatically they way you are suppose to do legally and safely, like walking, riding a bike, or even more complicated tasks like driving a car and then suddenly become aware that you are somewhere not remembering how you got there.
Klonopin is often used deliberately to cause you to forget, to forget surgery, invasive medical procedures like colonoscopy while you are technically still awake but drugged with Klonopin, to reduce the stress of any memories of such uncomfortable procedures, this is also used for electroshock therapy sessions in psychiatry, a deliberate inducement by drugs to cause memory loss of having electricity shot into your head causing a brain seizure.
But no one got hurt, in the end in this fugue, you often do everything you normally would, safely, and it is confusing but no one is actually harmed.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, Why Atheism

Why Atheism?
Why did I go down this road, reach this destination and to stubbornly decide to stay here?
Well, look around you, I will state and show you the obvious reasons you already know and want to ignore.
I was told by the Pope and his local cohorts here in Rochester NY that Jesus walked on water, at first it never occurred to me that I NEVER saw ANYONE walk on water, I was told that in a 2000 year old story that I just believed with no evidence.
Hell, I could have reached the conclusion, eventually I did, that no one ever walked on water unless it was ice but God in some form might still exist, I saw these as two different points.
I remember listening to the rock groups AC/DC and Motley Crue with secret guilt that I was going to hell for it at the age of sixteen.
I also remember finding out around the age of thirteen it was possible to be Christian and not be a Roman Catholic, those Sunday morning T.V. preachers were definitely not Catholic.
I even remember as young as 8 years old praying to God to forgive the people in Hell, I mean an eternity of fire for stupid shit did not seem fair and yet I still clung to the Roman Church.
Entering the world of Islam or Judaism never came up, not because they are anymore or less rational than being Catholic, but just because I was never really exposed to them.
I suffered from severe mental illness all my life, I have no doubt this was beginning in my early childhood and went unrecognized by family who did not want to see it because my mother died from drinking booze to cover up her own mental problems after having 11 children after WW War 2 up until my younger brother was born last in 1967 and my mother lost one child, my sister, Beverly in infancy.
I even believed in Purgatory, which other denominations would later point out to me is no where in the Bible.
So my journey began by simply walking away from the Roman Christianity because it was not consistent with the Bible.
Baptizing babies, veneration of the Saints And Mary, Purgatory, Praying to the Virgin even though she was not God, none of these things were Biblical.
But, I did not know that because the Catholic Church did not make a habit of handing out Bibles in any form, they wanted to tell you what it said and meant for you.
So, I ran around for years looking for the form of Christianity that was both correct and Biblical.
But as I searched, every denomination, usually very conservative, that I came across said only a few people out of 6 billion would be saved and go to heaven.
So billions of Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Mormons, JW's, Jews, Catholics, among others were all going to hell.
Atheists and agnostics as well.
Again, that did not seem rational or fair.
God really started to look like an asshole no matter which one I tried to believe in.
I actually started praying to Satan out of frustration, my way of saying fuck you to the God or Gods of eternity.
I had heard of Atheism before of course, but it had been soon fed to me all my life that Atheism meant communism, and in the 1980's the Soviet Union still existed and they were the evil Empire according to Ronald Reagan.
But then a funny thing happened on the way to the true God or Gods I had not yet found but believed were still out there somewhere, someone had the truth.
The internet happened.
Slowly and cumbersomely at first, with slow dial up connections and having no technical expertise needed to get on the internet and find a limited number of websites that existed in the 1990's.
Then, around the year 2000 things started rocking, fiber cables, more servers, point and click navigation started rolling.
I got my first desktop computer around 2006 and it was connected to a slow dial up connection over copper telephone wires and then I switched to broadband.
Wikipedia blew up in my face, history, religion, science, prehistory, evolution, biology, physics, philosophy, art, literature, it was all there.
Nothing disproved the existence of God, gods or the Supernatural, but nothing proved them either that they existed.
It dawned on me that whether God existed or not was not knowable in this lifetime and had no evidence anyway, and surely any rational god that might exist was not represented by any known religion or cult, past or present.
No evidence, no proof meant that I would live my life as if there were no God, gods or the supernatural, the movie The Exorcist was no longer frightening.
If someone could give me evidence, I would believe, no one has.
But wait! I CAN NOT DISPROVE THE EXISTENCE OF GOD, GODS,  DEMONS, SATAN OR SANTA CLAUSE!
Why not believe just in case?
After all no one WANTS to go to Hell by mistake.
It is obvious if any god is real, he is not the monster of The Bible, Koran, Torah, Talmud or any such barbaric psychopathic god.
IF He is there, he has not revealed himself, so our knowledge of his existence is not important to him and can be assumed to be not real.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Ask an Atheist: Why doesn't FFRF go after Islam?

A poem by Gary G Pelow, ANTIFA

Black masks, black clothes, hidden like ISIS, spoiled young white teenagers thinking they are special, that they stand against fascism, antisemitism, for freedom.
But why the masks? Why the black clothes? Why hide behind these things like cowardly ISIS?
Who are you really fighting? What are you really fighting for? What is your cause you use violence of the black block technique to support? Do you even know? Or are you deluded?
The Brown Shirts, The S.A., they would gather in crowds in the early days of German fascism.
They would punch, kick, club, stab, murder,  their enemies, be they communists or social democrats of the 1920's.
Yet, oddly, and this is not praise for the Brown Shirts, but a critique of ANTIFA, The Brown Shirts did not hide behind masks, oh no, they were quite content to let everyone know who they were publicly as the engaged in street violence, arson and assault for Hitler in the early days of real fascism.
And they crushed dissent and free speech over a decade before Hitler even came to power.
This is what ANTIFA does, spoiled, cowardly, pampered, rich, white teenagers with nothing better to do but be fascists themselves as they attack free speech in Western, Civilized Countries and ignore the Fascism of Islam, Iran, ISIS, Afghanistan, and Arabia.
AND THE ANTISEMITISM, MURDER OF GAYS, ENSLAVEMENT OF WOMEN, THE RAPE OF CHILDREN, SEXUAL SLAVERY, PATRIARCHY, RAPE CULTURE OF ISLAM.
And the pedophilia and forced child marriages and genital mutilation of nine year old girls.
And the videos of beheadings, ironically, mostly against other Muslims.
So, I ask again what is ANTIFA fighting for or against?
Well, they may or may not know it, but they are fighting FOR FASCISM, ANTISEMITISM, MURDER, SEXUAL SLAVERY OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN, MURDER OF GAYS, WOMEN, HOMOPHOBIA, RAPE CULTURE, PATRIARCHY, where these things actually exist, in the world anywhere that Islam IS THE GOVERNMENT OR STRIVES TO BE THE GOVERNMENT.
Islam as a theology may not even be the real issue, nor people who are Muslims, BUT THE PLACES ISLAM RULES, WHERE THE KORAN IS THE CONSTITUTION OF THEOCRACY.
This is what ANTIFA SUPPORTS.