Thursday, October 19, 2017

LSD: Microdosing & the SUPERNATURAL

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

A poem by Gary G Pelow, I Am Sorry, I Did Not Know

I was to preoccupied by my own petty little problems of my private life to notice you had gone, gone away for good.
I grew up with you, you had taught me by radio and cable TV signals that I did not "have to live like a refugee".
That I did not need to live with assuming I was a loser who had to put up with verbal abuse and violence because I deserved to be treated like shit because I was SHIT.
I am getting older now, I just turned 52, a week and a half after you left, I did not know you were gone.
I remember every time  I wanted to commit suicide, which was most of the time nearly everyday of my life, I would remember to "not live like a refugee" and I had a right to be here and death, my death was not going to caused by me, I always remember, to not live like a refugee and that if I was going to die it was not because of my own hand.
If I ever had enemies who wanted me dead, they would have to kill me themselves, I was not going to surrender to those who beat me up, punched me, threatened me with murder and violence.
Violence inflicted on the young by the young was the order of the day for everyday of my life from being a toddler to being in college, people just seemed to want to hit me, or punch me, and often simply gave into that impulse, that desire, and did assault me, many many times.
I am 52 years old and you left this world at age 66, I am sorry, I did not know you left, I was not paying attention to the news or media, but I always paid attention to your music.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

A poem Gary G Pelow, Not everything is Impermanent

I am an atheist, But I lean toward Buddhism, they are right about many things, most things ARE impermanent in this life, all our lives.
We are born, we may be raised in this or that religious tradition or some particular political bubble of belief of our parents.
I learned to speak my native tongue, English, by third grade I was taking lessons to speak Spanish, so a change took place.
My mother gave birth to me on October 15, 1965, she was not the most stable person mentally and a heavy boozer, I was eight when she died, something changed again, it seemed nothing is reliable.
My father was now alone, he had ten offspring to deal with and now he was alone, something changed for him.
I was raised in the Roman Catholic tradition and liberal politics of my father, Since my Confirmation, When I turned 16, I stopped going to Holy Rosary, my Church, my family Cathedral.
I passed into childish anger against a god that does not even exist as I would learn later but I dabbled in Satanism, Anton Lavey, and the Church of Satan, and the Satanic Bible.
I begged Satan to give to me the things god could, not, or would not  provide, sex, pussy, drugs, being a rock star.
I spent time wondering through Pentecostals and their speaking in tongues and holding insane and noisy Worship services complete with exorcisms.
I joined The Baptists, both the Southern kind and liberal ones who allowed female pastors.
Things kept changing, things were unreliable still, still impermanent.  I was driven into homelessness by my mental problems, my psychosis, by not taking my medications, my behavior, while not violent or illegal became more bizarre, my sanity proved itself to be impermanent.
My father chose to ignore my slow mental breakdown starting from age 8, or he was just distracted, there was his work and my 9 siblings after all and we all were changing, getting older, more educated, dating, using drugs, my sister became pregnant.
A new life was coming into the world, my nephew Jacob, and before he was born his father died in a fog of booze while getting killed in a motorcycle accident, things unreliable.
Our minds, me, my brothers and sisters were changing and growing, our individual beliefs were changing among all ten of us, we were dividing into separate paths, roads and futures, more change , more things unreliable.
No one took Catholicism among my siblings seriously anymore, we stopped going to Mass except for Christmas.
My sister Patty, the most elder of my four sisters still clung to the Church of Rome, it gave her comfort as her own mental problems got worse, quietly, unnoticed.
She died "suddenly" by blowing her head off with a shot gun to her head and face.
More change, more impermanence, and she had a miscarriage and another child before she died, my nephew, her son, found her body.
He was twelve and his father died from throat cancer from chewing tobacco two years after my sister died.
More impermanence.
But I am an atheist, I became a fan of Sam Harris, writer Christopher Hitchens and evolutionary biologist and atheist Richard Dawkins.
There was another mass shooting and killing two weeks ago by a mad man, or men, the details are still confused, in Las Vegas on October 1, 2017.
This seems never to change or be impermanent, human violence, hatred, anger, confusion, murder.
There are many reasons for this kind of violence of mass shootings and chaos.
Mental illness or instability, religion, politics, romantic break ups, PCP fueled psychosis, loneliness, a single persons hatred of humanity, or certain races, women, white or black men, gays, remember Orlando.
Regardless, there is one things that IS PERMANENT, NO REBIRTH, NO REINCARNATION AS HINDUS AND BUDDHISTS BELIEVE IN OR SPIRITUAL KHARMA, there is no continuing of the mind or self in any way or part after death.
The violence of people who have mentally collapsed killing dozens or hundreds of people have created countless permanent death of fellow humans.

Friday, October 13, 2017

A poem by Gary G Pelow, A Mile In My Moccasins

I took the bus today to downtown to go to the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles.
I did this ironically to surrender a spotless, perfect record valid drivers license I earned when I was 24.
I only did this because New York State wanted one hundred and eighty dollars to renew my drivers license but only nine dollars and fifty cents for a non-driver I.D. Card
I chose the latter.
I have some good days and some bad days, my connection to reality fluctuates wildly from day to day.
Today, I had the persistent belief I was being followed, well actually stalked and hunted to be killed is more of what it felt like.
It is getting cold here in Rochester, NY and the Fall and Winter just bring me more mental problems, anxiety, psychosis, depression and paranoia and secret desires to quit, to suicide, to leave, to not stay here, or anywhere.
I went to the bus on the corner of Monroe and Meigs and was SURE I saw someone following me and watching me as I got on the bus and my alleged stalker did not.
It seems every time I take the bus on this corner, strange people just suddenly appear out of fucking no where with there only purpose to get me to become afraid and commit suicide or just murder me themselves outright.
This fucking young punks are trying to care me, but they get surprised and somewhat nonplussed when I pull out my smart phone and start filming them in video format.
The stalkers are seeing their prey, their targeted individuals turning around to abruptly start filming them and I let them know I am filming them and I ask them why are they following me and who sent them.
They do not respond with violence or threats, just dumb looks on their faces, the sheep is not suppose to stalk the wolf or fight back, but sometimes they do, sometimes they have to.
Of course the first thing you will say is "Gary, you have schizophrenia, these experiences are not real!''
Yes, perhaps they are not real, but that is the purpose of the video records of my stalkers, I film first and make accusations and watch the video later, real or not, WHATEVER HAPPENS, WHATEVER IS REAL OR NOT, I HAVE RECORDS, DOCUMENTATION.
I have learned I have no stomach for suicide or violence by me, but I also find it untenable to be a victim, a frightened victim, fuck them.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

This Week in Stupid (08/10/2017)

Not Even The Scientists A poem by Gary G Pelow

In the world of mental illness no one is sure of anything, the patients are not sure of what is real or that which is not, be it by belief, thought, behavior or emotions or false voices and false visions.
The doctors are are not sure what to call any given list of symptoms or manifestations of mental illnesses.
They have a book. They call it the BIBLE of Psychiatry.  The Bible used to define who or what is insane.
There are no medical tests for the vast majority of sufferers of mental illness, doctors take guesses at what mental illness label applies to any given person, time or set of symptoms and they freely admit they have no causes that can be verified or falsified, they do not know, and they say such.
Even the mentally ill themselves are careful not just about talking about mental illness in general in polite company, but they are careful about what type of disorder they discuss, the mentally ill that is.
If a person is "courageous" for publicly dealing with their mental illness out in public, especially celebrities, they are "courageous" for facing anxiety, trauma or depression, even drug abuse, but these same "mentally ill" people avoid words like "psychosis", "hallucination", "suicide", "delusion" and "psychotic break".
Even for the mentally ill there seem to be taboos, to often mental illness is defined only in terms of mood or anxiety or trauma but never in terms of completely becoming disconnected from the real physical Universe.
Such courageous people like Brooke Shields have praise heaped upon them, with the exception of idiots in Scientology like Tom Cruise, for their courage to be so public about something so mundane in psychiatry, depression.
Everyone wants to dance around the issue of psychosis, google it, I am to lazy to teach you right hear and now to its definition, suffice it to say it does not usually refer to or just to mood.
For anyone out there who has ever used LSD, I personally did just once, whether or not you are mentally ill, That LSD trip, especially if it is a bad one, a 12 hour nightmare to be endured, then you have some idea of what psychosis is like.
Or if you have used mescaline, peyote or DMT, you are kind of in the same ball park as the actual experience of psychosis, ironically though psychosis is only psychosis when not induced by drugs or alcohol.
Drugs can approximate psychosis, but by themselves are not psychosis.